Monday, July 22, 2013

Why I Care (But Still Don't Want Your Opinion)

Since my last post, pretty much telling everyone to can it on telling me how opposed they are to our plans, I've had a few conversations that really have made me think. I went back and re read everything I said, and took some feedback into consideration and I feel the need to clarify just a few things. Don't mistake this for an apology. It's not. I don't regret anything I've said, nor do I take a word of it back. I am sorry if I've offended anyone, but I still stand by my words.
I know that when I put information out there, people will bite. Of course, that's human nature. I have an opinion on everything under the sun.... and if I don't, I sure can come up with one real quick. So why had this been bothering me so much? I make a lot of unconventional decisions that a lot of people don't agree with, and rarely does it actually bother me. I tend to be fairly headstrong and confident in my decisions.
I tend to assume when people are defensive that they are insecure in their position... perhaps questioning the validity of their own thoughts and actions, having doubts, or are otherwise unsure of the points they are defending. I had to look within myself. Was that the case? Was I having doubts about the safety of home birth? Was I really sure of my body's abilities? Was I absolutely positive this is the best path for our family right now? Or was I just trying to tell myself I was? Why did I feel so defensive and so easily offended over the issue? I tend to say what I mean, mean what I say, and make decisions after carefully researching and drawing the most educated conclusion I can with the information available to me. Because of that, when people disagree I usually don't give a darn. Why did I now? Why when people around me make comments that make it clear they think this is dangerous or reckless did I take it so deeply personally?
I really had to ask myself these things, to understand my own out-of-character emotions about the issue.I mean, some of the well-intended things people have said, genuinely trying to help and give guidance have resonated so bitterly with me... and I don't like feeling that way.
Then I realized it, while writing in my journal. WHY this is bothering me. It's not what people are saying. It's not that not everyone agrees. (really, no one but Jon and I need to be on the same page anyway) It's WHO. It's the women whom I look up to in this roll that I am preparing mentally, physically, and emotionally to embark on. This journey to motherhood where I aspire to be like the wonderful women around me. Aunts, cousins, sisters, grandmothers, MY mother... these are the women I watch, in awe of how amazing they are.
I don't tell them enough. I don't tell them at all, really... but ALL of them embody the kind of mother I hope to be in one way or another. My grandmother is the most selfless, giving, POSITIVE person I've ever met in my entire life. The entire world could be in shambles around her and she'd still be able to give you 100 reasons why life is wonderful. My mother is the hardest working, most resilient person I've ever met. She would do anything for her family, and never at any point in my entire life have I been left questioning that. I'm amazed at how she can pull out of anything it seems. My sisters (all three of them) are incredible mothers, who somehow manage their jobs, husbands, kids, and everything else. Shelly is pretty much a gourmet chef (seriously, I'm over here serving grilled cheese and she manages a full dinner AND dessert, WITH a toddler and a baby?! Please, no one let Jon know this is possible!) and Tanya has more patience and love than any single human being on the planet. She even loves OTHER people's kids. Like.... neighbor kids. I pretend I don't hear mine when they run up asking if we have puppies to play with. They probably think I'm deaf. Or just really mean. Or both. I look at the family and kind of kids my Aunt (and Uncle!) raised and I just think wow... they seriously did a thing or two right, all while staying true to their Faith and managing to be phenomenal examples to everyone around them. Truly inspiring.
You get the point. These are women I look up to, WAY more than ANY of them will ever know. They embody what I hope to be. For a long time I didn't even plan to have kids because I'm so terrified I will just screw everything up and be a terrible mother. I fear I will never be able to live up the the examples I've been blessed to have.
So when I feel so strongly pulled in one direction (home birth) with so much passion and certainty, and am met with so much fear, doubt, and opposition from the very people whose examples and opinions on all things motherhood I treasure the most, it leaves me feeling so conflicted. Do I go with what my heart tells me is right for me, or with what was right for those I aspire to be like?
That's what this week has been all about for me. After a lot of thought, and a lot of prayer, I got my answer today. I had an appointment with the midwife we've decided to go with. I felt really good about her before I ever went to my OB. After talking with several local, and reading through all their websites, I just felt so drawn to this one but I hadn't actually MET her. We did today. All week, and again before my appointment I have searched within myself, and prayed to my Heavenly Father that I might know what track I need to be on, that I might be able to set aside my own selfish wants, and sort through the opinions of others, and know what is truly and unbiasly (we're going to pretend for a moment that unbiasly is a word) right for us. Willing to accept any answer that brought peace, I've sought these answers. As Jon and I left our appointment, I felt so overwhelmingly at peace with this decision. I mean, a feeling of complete ease for the first time this entire pregnancy that everything is going to be OK, that we are where we need to be, doing what we need to do, and in good hands. I have no doubts. Jon doesn't either.
I won't be offering up that we are planning a home birth in conversation because really... the only people that need to be on board (Jon and I) are, and I respect where everyone is coming from. I generally try to avoid pregnancy/ baby conversation unless I'm asked anyway, because talking about myself just feels weird, and I know no one cares to hear about it all the time.
So, while  quite frankly you can still take your opposition and shove it... it's not because I think I know better than you, it's because I DO care what you think, just not enough for it to change my very much so made up mind.

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