Dear Chase,

Dear Chase,
My sweet boy, oh how I wish I could put into words the fierce love I feel in every corner of my heart every time I look at you. For the few years your daddy and I hoped and prayed for a baby to join our family I often imagined what you would be like. I wondered what you would look like, what would make you smile, how you would change our lives. When we discovered we were expecting you I don't think we've ever been more excited. For months I marveled at my changing body, the life and movement growing within me. I loved you before I ever felt the first kick. You'd wake me up every morning- 4am. I'd cradle you in my belly as you flipped and kicked. I called it our morning dance parties. I felt as if I already knew you. We already had routines, traditions I could count on. I'd smile as you wiggled, and poke you back.
When you arrived early I was scared. I was scared that I'd done something wrong- that you were somehow paying for a mistake I made. But you were strong, so strong. You beat every odd stacked up against you. Your dad and I would watch you every night and wonder how in the world we were deemed worthy of having such a special little boy in our lives. Your doctors and nurses all would comment what a fighter you were, and how good-natured. Even through the uncomfortable and often painful procedures you have always been such a happy boy.
The day we finally brought you home- 59 days after your birthday- is the single most happy day of my life to this point. As we drove home from Provo- just the three of us- I knew it was the start of something amazing. The start of a whole new life. Your eyes glittered with excitement and joy as the sunshine bounced off your perfect skin for the first time.
You are only five months old now. So strong and yet so tiny. I am so proud of how far you've come, and I know within my heart you are destined for greatness. But today, you are sick. Your little body has been through so much already and the RSV is so hard on you. I am trying to be strong for you. I cradle you and feel the sickness rattle in your chest. I pray, endlessly, that your Heavenly Father will bring you comfort and healing. I am so thankful your daddy is a worthy man and is able to give you blessings. I am scared for you because I love you, but I know that you are a fighter. This virus won't get the best of you. You inspire me, as you grin between coughing fits. Every time I see the pain and discomfort in your eyes my heart breaks for you, and just when it's nearly overwhelming you giggle and reach out to me as if to reassure me that you've got this. You're my everything, little buddy. You are strong, much stronger than me. I'd do anything for you. Absolutely anything to keep you safe, strong, and healthy.
I know this time is precious. You won't be little forever. There will come a day that you realize my singing voice is terrible and it will no longer soothe you. Someday, a dance party with mom won't be the easiest way to make you grin. There will come a day that snuggling under the covers all morning won't be your favorite thing. But today? Today you love my singing. Today you love to dance with me. Today, snuggling under the covers is the only sure fire way to soothe your discomfort... so that's exactly what we will do.

I love my buddy, and my buddy loves me.
He's the cutest buddy that you ever did see.
There's nowhere in the world that I would rather be,
Than all snuggled up, just my buddy and me.

Confessions of the Introverted Social Hermit

It's not that I don't care. It's not that I don't like you. It's not that I'm miserable.
It's that.... I just really like my space. A whole awful lot.

1. I intentionally don't carry my phone on me 99% of the time. Because then I have to answer it, and I really don't want that.

2. If I'm not expecting someone, I refuse to answer the door. In fact, I refuse to even check who it is. I will indeed put forth my best effort to appear NOT home. I will even let the dogs bark on without hushing them to add to the illusion. Please. Don't ever show up unannounced. It really pisses me off- even if I like you.

3. I don't actually like people in my house. Not even people I love a whole awful lot. Not even people I enjoy being around otherwise. It weirds me out. It throws off my routines, it throws off the dogs, and I don't like it.

4. I rarely make plans, because he second I do I want out of them. The exception to this rule is family, oh I will plan things with family ANY time. But that lunch I committed to weeks ago? That meeting on the calendar? I likely spend more time trying to think of an excuse to cancel than anything. I just don't like committing my time to things in advance. It's not that I don't WANT to see people, I do... but having a strict agenda makes me really uneasy and irritated. I'm like a 90 year old woman- if I have a hair appointment at 2pm on Wednesday, I'm busy for the week. No more commitments can be made.

5. I don't like meeting new people. I'm really quite comfortable in my small social circle that consists primarily of family. I don't have interest in putting forth the kind of time and energy commitment required to build new friendships and relationships. See confession #4.

I really wish people could see that these things are not a reflection of how I feel about them PERSONALLY. They're just.... me. It's just how I am. So, please don't be offended if I haven't invited you over in a while (or... ever) or if I didn't answer your calls. I prefer to care from a distance. Nothing is wrong, you haven't offended me. 

MY kid.

Being that most of my friends procreated before me (damn you, infertility!) I have seen it a million times before: super cool fun friend suddenly has nothing to say that doesn't involve their new super duper cool baby, their Facebook feed turns into post after post of that said "super cool" baby did that day... and I'm not even talking things like cure cancer or end world hunger... but for some reason the fact their kid dropped a log in the toilet rather than their pants is some massive accomplishment. Depending on the friend this may or may not include a picture of their kid sitting on the pot in all their bare-bottomed glory.Rolling my eyes I'd think "DUDE, we get it. You like.... made a human and you think it's really cool and all and you want to share it with the world because for SOME reason you think your kid is way cooler than the bajillion other kids in the world. I totally get being proud. In Jr. High I once painted a watercolor picture of an island scene and it was really cool and if I had facebook then I'd totally have posted it... but not every single damn day!"  I would then realize that I had absolutely nothing in common with said friend anymore, and move on vowing that someday when I had kids, I'd only share the really awesome stuff and not become "that mom."

But then this crazy thing happened. I got pregnant. And I had a baby. Like, a really super duper cool baby. And now I post really weird crap, like pictures of breastmilk (twice, actually.) and photo memes about babies and parenting and the mere mentioning of breastfeeding in public, circumcision, or cloth diapering are enough for my soapbox to creep out of the closet. (I mean, on the rare occasion it even makes it TO the closet. I generally leave my soap box right in the middle of the floor, you know, in case someone needs to hear a bit of my infinite wisdom.) I post pictures of Chase daily.... because today's smile is pretty much completely different than yesterday's.

But surely no one is rolling their eyes at my updates like I have towards others so many times. Surely not. Because everything Chase does is super duper cool.
He's not like other babies.
He smiles cuter.
He laughs cuter.
And somehow, when his face is covered in vile, white chunky baby puke, he's still adorable.
His ears are the cutest ears I've ever seen. And those toes. OH and that bum... seriously guys, dangerously cute bum warning on this baby.
Why?
Because he's MY kid.
Mine.
I made him. (Jon helped jump start it but trust me, I take 99.99% credit)
And he's way cooler than any island painting I've ever made. (But seriously, it WAS pretty awesome. It even had a pink sailboat.)

See, guys. See how that smile is like 500% different than the OTHER smile?! 

And now, well... now I get it. I get why all those moms I know were suddenly undeniably convinced that their kid was so super duper cool. Because kids ARE super duper cool. Even when they're not. That's something I never could wrap my head around before having my own. I don't think anyone can. So now, as I scroll my feed and I see "Oh look, little Johnny went to the zoo today and here are 1384723846723 pictures of his first time there!" I smile. I think, "I can't wait to post 1273632469314 pictures of Chase's first trip to the zoo!"

Because he's MY kid.
So, bare with me. Something tells me that this chapter of my life, the baby-having chapter, is going to make me really annoying.

Thoughts from a lowly SAHM

An article written by feminist blogger Amy Glass has taken the internet by storm lately. Titled "I Look Down on Young Women With Husbands and Kids and I'm Not Sorry" it caught the attention of many- myself included. And, being the outspoken person I am, surely I have a few things to say.

The original article can be read by clicking here. 

Do people really think that a stay at home mom is really on equal footing with a woman who works and takes care of herself? There’s no way those two things are the same. 

Excuse me while *I* fight back vomit. I support a woman's RIGHT to choose to not have children and who take on the workforce head strong. Last I checked, I take care of myself. I also take care of my son. Imagine that.
Working isn't easy. Building a career isn't easy. It takes a lot of hard work and dedication, but that doesn't make parenting any less important. In fact, dare i say that if more women did just that- PARENT- we'd have lower crime, and less trouble making hooligans running about?

Having kids and getting married are considered life milestones. ...These aren’t accomplishments, they are actually super easy tasks, literally anyone can do them. They are the most common thing, ever, in the history of the world. They are, by definition, average.

The part of me that struggled and felt EMPTY for MORE THAN THREE YEARS to conceive, all while building a career and running a business just cried a little.
See, the thing is: I've been there. I've had a career. I've worked hard and watched my business grow. We've reaped the success of a thriving small business. I've worked 80 hour weeks. I've dedicated myself to my work so fully my entire life was consumed by it.
I felt nothing short of empty. I did not feel accomplished. I did not feel fulfilled. I did not feel happy. I did not feel in any way successful. Don't get me wrong, I *LOVE* my business and I'm proud of the progress it's made. I'm passionate about it. But at the end of the day, I longed to be a mom. I longed to have babies. That's what I wanted, more than anything. That's what I felt like my calling in life was.
My rad to motherhood was not easy, and three and a half years really is a SHORT road in the heartbreaking reality of infertility that many, many couples face.

You will never have the time, energy, freedom or mobility to be exceptional if you have a husband and kids.

Lies. Lies lies lies. In fact, my role as a business owner is takes away FAR MORE freedom and mobility than my role as a mother. The ignorance in this statement... I can't even.....

 hear women talk about how “hard” it is to raise kids and manage a household all the time. I never hear men talk about this. It’s because women secretly like to talk about how hard managing a household is so they don’t have to explain their lack of real accomplishments.

I've played both roles. I've played the "successful business woman" and currently am playing the "stay at home wife/ mother." Neither role is easy. But really, they aren't even comparable. They have their ups and downs, they have their rewards, their struggles. But at the end of the day it's a whole different lifestyle. I think women should do whatever they feel is right for them. Each individual and situation is different, therefore what is right for each person will be different too.

Women will be equal with men when we stop demanding that it be considered equally important to do housework and real work. They are not equal. Doing laundry will never be as important as being a doctor or an engineer or building a business. This word play is holding us back.

The thing is... the doctor needs clean clothes, no? It takes all different roles to make this world go round.


I think what irks me most about this article is the fact the writer takes what she feels is right for her, and like a giant blanket, applies it to everyone. I mean, SHE feels best when pursuing a career, so EVERYONE ELSE SHOULD TOO!  I felt completely empty while pursuing a career. Should I dedicate my life to it, just because some people place little to no value in anyone who does something as "pointless" as.... oh, I dunno... dedicating their lives to raising the next generation of human beings?! Gosh, how incredibly uninspired of me.

I see this a lot on the internet, actually. People calling themselves feminists who think they are empowering women to do more, be more, accomplish more.... when in reality they are putting down anyone who HEAVEN FORBID actually WANTS to take on that traditional home maker role. If everyone followed their advice the human race would cease to exist in one generation and would therefore be the biggest failure as a species in the history of all time. Real successful, NOT. Why d we have to put down the stay at home mom to empower the working woman? Why do we have to make the working mom feel inadequate to raise the SAHM up? Why can't we just accept that everyone is different, and empower and uplift them ALL for doing what's best for them? Oh... that's right... because that's actually logical and would require folks to actually get over themselves.

I think I'll go make dinner now. From scratch.

 

It's not luck.

I've been told on several occasions how LUCKY I am to be a stay at home mom. I would not trade staying home with Chase for ABSOLUTELY anything in the world. It's so important to me, and to Jon, to have a parent at home full time. I don't know when I decided it was important to me, but it was something that I felt strongly about.
There were times in my life I wasn't even certain I wanted kids but. I always felt very strongly that IF I did, I planned to be a full time stay at home mom. It was important to me to marry someone who put value in that as well- not everyone does and that's OK. It was something I felt strongly enough about that I knew I could not marry someone who expected me to work full time after having kids. Luckily, I married a wonderful man who was on the same page... Someone willing to work and sacrifice to make it possible.
Adjusting to being a single-income home is not easy. It works for us, not because we are lucky, but because we are willing to sacrifice, adapt, adjust, and are dedicated to making it work. There was a time in our marriage when buying a new vehicle was no big deal. Planning expensive vacations, going on cruises, moving, spending a small fortune on pet care... These were just things we did because we could. We didn't think twice about buying a boat, and the idea of increasing our mortgage was no big deal. We're we rich? Certainly not. But we were a childless couple with two incomes. Dinner and a movie didn't need to be planned and budgeted.

Those days are over. It's important to me to maintain a good quality of life for my kids. I certainly don't wish to raise my babies in poverty! But realistically... What does that mean for kids? What determines quality of life? What things are necessary? What can we do without? At what point does sacrificing decrease quality of life?
Im a firm believer that vacations are a necessity. no one can work hard all the time without taking time out to enjoy life. My income allowed us to go on fancier vacations. A yearly trip to California where we would visit a series of overpriced amusement parks, a cruise, a fancy hotel in Jackson Hole,  spontaneous trips to visit friends in Denver and Idaho. But do these things matter to kids? I look at my childhood and think of my most cherished memories. None of them are in fancy hotels. I'd never stepped foot on a cruise ship until I was married. When I think of the things I put value in, it's boating with my grandparents, it's playing tag in the house with my mom and sister one day it's building forts, it's my mom being able to come to school functions- plays, open house, student of the month awards, it's road trips with my grandparents.
Yes, vacations are important. But kids don't care about hotels. They don't care about cruises. They don't care about room service, expensive souvineers, or exotic destinations.
Being a single-income home and stay-at-home parent means my kids may never lay eyes on a cruise ship. They may never order room service, and may never hold passports.... But they'll witness the beauty of sunset at Lake Powell. They'll remember pitching a tent in the backyard. They'll know camping in Provo Canyon. They won't be missing out.

They may never wear name brand clothes, but they will have bedtime stories every night.
They may never have an expensive private school educations, but they will be homeschooled by mama every single day.
They may not know fancy foods and restaurants, but they will have home cooked meals.
They may not have the latest and greatest electronics, but they will know family time and picnics in the back yard.
They may not get to see every movie they'd like in theaters, but they will know family movie nights and snuggles on the couch.

I detest the misconception that to be a stay-at-home-mom your husband must make a huge living. We must more modest income than MOST of the people whom tell us how lucky we are, and how they'd love to be a SAHM too, but could never afford it. I just smile and nod. We "couldn't afford" it either if we weren't determined to make it work and willing to do what it takes.

We must be rich! Wrong. We are creative. We learned the importance of prioritizing and eliminating excess. We learned that when it comes to worrying about our kid's quality of life, we had to look at life through a child's eye to determine what's ACTUALLY important, and what isn't. We aren't rich. We aren't poor. I'd venture to say we have a
As adults, we put value in trivial things. I'd venture to say that MOST families could probably make staying at home work- IF it's even something they want- if they made adjustments. Not all moms want to be at home. That's perfectly ok! Some women are happier working, and they are better moms because of it. Some of the BEST mamas I know are working moms. Some of the strongest women I know are working moms. Heck, my own mother worked- and worked a lot- to provide for us, and I admire her dedication to her family. She's nothing short of incredible. I'm not passing judgement by any means on anyone who chooses differently, I only know what's right for MY family and OUR situation.
 But to credit luck? No, it's not luck. It's sacrifice, determination, and dedication to something we value.

Being able to tuck my babies in at night happened to fall higher on the priority list than.... Well, just about anything. Babies aren't babies long. Soon Chase will not think I'm the neatest thing in the world. I'm going t soak it in while I can. Bath time. Story time. Bed time. Lunch time. Those are the important things to me right now. That may change over time, and our family will morph and change if it does. But for now, there's absolutely nothing that a second income could provide that would be worth missing out on a single moment of this. Not better health insurance, not a looser budget, not anything. None of it would be worth missing out on a single smile, a single fart, a single moment. 

Retrospect

Another year has come and gone. I can't believe the rollercoaster that was 2013 for our little family. As I sit and reflect back on the events the last 12 months, I am humbled. They say hindsight is 20/20 and I must say that this year is such a perfect example of one of those times. I can honestly say that this year, more than any other year, I am thankful for my trials. In retrospect I can see their importance and why things needed to happen the way they did.
Jon started working for Intermountain in January. I can not tell you how nice it is that he's not working nights anymore. His schedule with Wal Mart was brutal on him, and wasn't easy on us in general. His current job has been such a blessing and I'm thankful for it every single day.
We raised two litters of Dane puppies that we sent to their new homes in March. I can't believe they're a year old already! I don't know if we will have any litters in 2014. Probably not. It's SO much work.





In March we decided to sell our house. What. A. Joke. I am so not cut out for house selling. I hated everything about it. It's such an emotional roller coaster, getting under contract, things falling through, questioning if you're making the right decision, having to rearrange things for showings, not ever being able to count on just being home for the day. Screw that. We found our dream home, had it pulled out from under us, got under contract again were within a week of closing, and then that fell through, too. At the time it really seemed like the end of the world.
April 8th is when we discovered we were FINALLY pregnant. Yay! We couldn't have been more excited and happy.
I wanted to be one of those women who loves pregnancy. I mean, it really is amazing when you think of it... growing an entire human being in your belly. Incredible! Amazing! Plus I thought after trying and waiting so long that I would just soak it up. Wrong. I flippin' hate pregnancy. I hate it so much. Feeling movement is incredible, I mean that is the single most amazing thing ever. And it's of course all totally worth the end result. The hip pain. The nausea. The puking all day every day. The headaches. The hemorrhoids. (Yes. I just blogged about hemorrhoids. Actually, it might not even be the first time. I'm not really sure. They really suck.) The cold sweats. The hip pain. The pelvic pressure. No. Just, no. Pregnancy sucks. Unfortunately I want like... four more babies, so I'm pretty sure I have to do it again. *cringe* ANyone interested in being a surrogate. For real. Have my babies for me. Please?
I am so glad I got to make a trip to Texas with my mom to visit Shelly and her family. Oh how I wish they would just move to Utah already. We made some really good memories, and in true family fashion, ate really good food. Not even kidding, I had this burger that had to have been made with unicorn meat and fairy poop because it was just THAT delicious. Though I'm pretty sure "Texas" is just another word for Hell. Talk about hot and humid, holy cow! But my sister drives a rocket ship, so there's that.
At some point during my pregnancy, I started getting nervous we wouldn't even have a home when he came, and we decided to take the house off the market and do some of the renovations we had planned on doing when we moved in. After all, we never fell in love with the house for what it was- but for the potential it had. Fanflippintastic choice!
If there's anything tougher than selling a house- it's renovating one. Especially when you have no idea what you're doing and are also poor. I am SO PROUD of Jon and how much he accomplished.
October 6th I spent 13 hours in labor, thinking I was having braxton hicks. Chase was born 11 weeks early at 12:48am on October 7th, 2013. The following 59 days were spent in NICU and he came home December 4, 2013.

In retrospect, the things that seemed like the end of the world were actually huge blessings in disguise. I am so glad we didn't get a bigger mortgage now given all that's going on medically with Chase. I am so glad that my grandfather owns my house, and that I don't have a conventional loan with a bank- now no matter what happens with our medical bills, they can't take away my house! Plus, we like this charming old place again!
All our hard work is paying off. I am so thankful Heavenly Father gave us these trials and growing experiences this year. I feel like we are stronger as individuals because of it, and all these experiences brought Jon and I closer together than ever.

I am excited for 2014. I am excited to embark on this journey as a new mom. I am excited to grow and be challenged. I am so happy and content with where we are right now. I don't have any life-changing resolutions, because quite frankly I plan to spend the next year slowing down. It's time to just be. It's time to soak in life. I'm over the rat race... the quest for bigger, better, faster has ended for me. I intend to enjoy the things in life that can't be bought or traded. Family. Friends. I'd like to get more active with my church, I'd like to be a better friend, wife, mother, sister, daughter.

So, goodbye 2013. You were fun. Actually, you weren't... You were kind of a nightmare, but I forgive you.

Hello, 2014. 

The First Month Home

Our NICU journey ended one month ago. On December 4th, 2013.... 59 days after little man was born, he finally came home. 

Because he was sent home on an Apnea & Bradycardia monitor, as well as oxygen, we did have to "room in" at the hospital the night before bringing him home. For that night, we were given a room with a [super uncomfortable] bed. and left alone. It was SO NICE to be alone with him... no hovering nurses. Unfortunately we were forced to follow some silly hospital rules still... like not allowing Chase to be on the bed at all, making him sleep in his crib, and sticking to the feeding schedule... things that we knew would all go out the window the second we got home anyway. Chase did NOT like to be laid down and left alone. Trying to follow these rules made for a very unhappy baby most of the night. Sometime around 3am, I gave up. I brought him to bed, snuggled the heck out of him, and we got a few hours of peaceful sleep.

Words can't explain the joy we felt as we walked through those hospital doors, baby in tow, and drove home. All those nights of separation, of waking in the middle of the night anxiously wondering if he was ok- all the days spent driving back and forth from the hospital... they were over. Life was about to change! 

The last month has been challenging but so very rewarding! I absolutely love being a Mom- more than I ever imagined possible. I love everything about it. (except maybe the sore boobs) It challenges me in ways I didn't expect but it's the most rewarding journey I've ever been on. I had no idea babies could be this awesome. In fact, I'm the first to admit... I don't really LIKE other people's babies. (No, really... me saying they're cute does NOT mean I want to hold or interact with your child. Like, ever.) But THIS baby is just better than all the rest. Ok, ok, I may be bias... but it's still my reality. In fact, not a single other person on the face of this planet could get away with pooping, peeing, and puking on me... and still being on my good list. 

We are still figuring out what our new normal is and navigating our new world as parents. We've learned that unsolicited advice is probably always going to come pouring in. ( I PROMISE you I don't really give two hoots what you think about cosleeping, cloth diapering, breastfeeding, circumcision, vaccines, medication, or baby training. Like, really, I don't care at all.... but go ahead and keep telling me and I will keep thinking you're stupid.....) 

Being wintertime and RSV season in full swing, we don't get out much. We have kind of enjoyed the excuse to hole up at home and spend most of the day snuggling though. I am anxious for the weather to warm up a little so we can start exploring this world that will all be so new and mysterious to him. I especially can't wait to take him boating and hope he also shares a love of the water that I have had my whole life. 

We are hoping that he comes off of oxygen soon. We already made the decision to take him off of his A&B monitor when the negatives started to outweigh the possible positives. The leads were giving him sores on his skin (among many other inconveniences) and he hasn't had ANY episodes in over a month. 

I am constantly amazed by him. Sometimes I find myself passing hours at a time just staring at him, soaking in every little detail. I get a little stir crazy sometimes, but I find that more than about 15 minutes away from him just feels wrong. I start to get uneasy and anxious and can't get back to him quick enough. I've never experienced anything like that before.

There have been plenty of surprises. I never expected breastfeeding to be so difficult, but his poor extraction has been a huge hurdle for us. I'm having to pump and bottle feed to keep him on breastmilk exclusively, and we work on his latch and extraction several times every day. I hope we figure it out soon, I really detest pumping so much! I also didn't expect cloth diapering to be so easy... or so much fun! I'm surprised just how content I feel most of the time- given my history of having a pretty impulsive and restless disposition. I'm just so so happy with life right now. I'm content to just BE.  I'm surprised how easy it is to trust my intuition/ gut on most issues. I'm thankful for that, actually. 

We've got one month down. One month of growth, laughter, tears, memories, and a whole lot of poop. I can't wait to see what the next month holds. And infinite months after that.