Thursday, March 13, 2014

Dear Chase,

Dear Chase,
My sweet boy, oh how I wish I could put into words the fierce love I feel in every corner of my heart every time I look at you. For the few years your daddy and I hoped and prayed for a baby to join our family I often imagined what you would be like. I wondered what you would look like, what would make you smile, how you would change our lives. When we discovered we were expecting you I don't think we've ever been more excited. For months I marveled at my changing body, the life and movement growing within me. I loved you before I ever felt the first kick. You'd wake me up every morning- 4am. I'd cradle you in my belly as you flipped and kicked. I called it our morning dance parties. I felt as if I already knew you. We already had routines, traditions I could count on. I'd smile as you wiggled, and poke you back.
When you arrived early I was scared. I was scared that I'd done something wrong- that you were somehow paying for a mistake I made. But you were strong, so strong. You beat every odd stacked up against you. Your dad and I would watch you every night and wonder how in the world we were deemed worthy of having such a special little boy in our lives. Your doctors and nurses all would comment what a fighter you were, and how good-natured. Even through the uncomfortable and often painful procedures you have always been such a happy boy.
The day we finally brought you home- 59 days after your birthday- is the single most happy day of my life to this point. As we drove home from Provo- just the three of us- I knew it was the start of something amazing. The start of a whole new life. Your eyes glittered with excitement and joy as the sunshine bounced off your perfect skin for the first time.
You are only five months old now. So strong and yet so tiny. I am so proud of how far you've come, and I know within my heart you are destined for greatness. But today, you are sick. Your little body has been through so much already and the RSV is so hard on you. I am trying to be strong for you. I cradle you and feel the sickness rattle in your chest. I pray, endlessly, that your Heavenly Father will bring you comfort and healing. I am so thankful your daddy is a worthy man and is able to give you blessings. I am scared for you because I love you, but I know that you are a fighter. This virus won't get the best of you. You inspire me, as you grin between coughing fits. Every time I see the pain and discomfort in your eyes my heart breaks for you, and just when it's nearly overwhelming you giggle and reach out to me as if to reassure me that you've got this. You're my everything, little buddy. You are strong, much stronger than me. I'd do anything for you. Absolutely anything to keep you safe, strong, and healthy.
I know this time is precious. You won't be little forever. There will come a day that you realize my singing voice is terrible and it will no longer soothe you. Someday, a dance party with mom won't be the easiest way to make you grin. There will come a day that snuggling under the covers all morning won't be your favorite thing. But today? Today you love my singing. Today you love to dance with me. Today, snuggling under the covers is the only sure fire way to soothe your discomfort... so that's exactly what we will do.

I love my buddy, and my buddy loves me.
He's the cutest buddy that you ever did see.
There's nowhere in the world that I would rather be,
Than all snuggled up, just my buddy and me.

1 comment:

  1. ...and we use to be dog people!!!! Funny how babies change things right? Sekoyas like, "please don't have any more I use to get all those kisses and snuggles before that wiggly pink human" although she is warming up now that she gets all the food Mazi drops!!