Monday, April 15, 2013

In a funk.

I've been feeling angry all day. It's just one of those days... I woke up not rested at all because this stupid bronchitis is still totally kicking my butt, and I'm up coughing my lungs out all night. Everything just went downhill from there. I miss my dogs terribly. Them not being here combined with the fact we are selling our house, this just isn't home anymore. It leaves me feeling incredibly displaced.
I got frustrated that I was trying to do little mini projects around the house and I'm just so dang tired I was getting nowhere. Then, I got angry that there was a showing sometime between 5pm-7pm and all I wanted to do was crawl in bed and not even come out from under the covers for the rest of the day. And tot op it all off- a work crisis came up, so then I hated my job, too.
And then I got to thinking- why am I feeling this way? Why am I in such an awful funk all day. I've been on cloud nine for a solid week now with the news of my pregnancy, where absolutely nothing could get me down, why all of a sudden today am I so damn angry with life, and with the world?
Instead of focusing on all the things that were wrong today, I sat down and started counting the blessings that have or may come from them.

1. I'm angry that my house is on the market.
But... this house, however wrong for us as it may be in the long run, was a GOOD investment. And this house, however annoying it is to have to work my every day schedule around showings and projects, is the stepping stone to getting our home. It's going to make it possible for us to afford the kind of place we can see ourselves raising our family in. Without the equity from THIS HOUSE, all that is just a dream. I am thankful that I even have THIS HOUSE. This roof over my head is providing shelter from the storm today. These walls are offering protection today. This house is where I rest tonight, and this house is where the last two years of memories at home are. This house is our first home, and this house is the key to the next.
I'm thankful for this house.

2. I'm angry that my dogs aren't all home. I miss them.
But... I'm also exhausted, and they're in good hands at Ruff House. They are being well cared for, and having them gone has made me dig deep within myself the last two weeks and cope with life without leaning on them so much. I'd say I'm pretty emotionally dependent on my dogs. I rely on them for company and I genuinely love having them around. I think a little bit of separation has ultimately been healthy for me. I'm thinking clearly about their best interest- and mine. Plus, when we move (which them being gone is key to selling the house) and they have a yard that works better for us, their quality of life will be SO MUCH LONGER.
I'm thankful I have a place to put them for a while.

3. I hate my job. (today)
My job can sometimes be incredibly stressful, and I admit.... while I love the industry I work in, I absolutely, positively HATE being "the boss" most of the time. Maybe I shouldn't admit that out in the open. I love the dogs. I love my customers. I love the staff. But I hate the responsibility that comes with business ownership. Sometimes I wish I could just go back to going to work, and doing my job, and leaving it at the door when I go home. Not every day is like this. Most of the time things are so smooth (thanks great staff) it's a non issue, but every now and then... I just wish someone else could be in charge. But, I have a job... and in this economy, that's not something to take for granted. I have a paycheck. My husband and I eat whole, organic food. We pay our mortgage on time every month. Both our vehicles are paid off. We are able to pay for all our necessities  And all... thanks to this job that has supported us. (sometimes better than others!)
I am thankful for my job.

4. I'm angry that I'm tired all the time.
I feel the need to be productive, and take care of everything all the time... sometimes (ok, ok, usually) to the point of being stretched too thin. The last couple days- be it the bronchitis, pregnancy, or both.... I'm SO tired. I need a nap in the afternoon most days, and that's not like me AT ALL. I don't like asking Jon for extra help- he works so hard outside our home as it is and chores at home have always been my responsibility since I'm here more. (ok, and we completely have traditional gender roles in our house. I admit it.) But... when I step back an realize: I'm pregnant. And being tired isn't going to pass immediately. This is a process, and a chapter that we've waited a long, long time for. God has finally blessed me with this child I'm carrying, and with that comes fatigue... fatigue that is a reminder that this is a time to LISTEN to my body and rest.
I am thankful to be able to take a nap when I need it.

5. I'm angry I have bronchitis.
I've never had it before now, but it's awful. I've coughed so much my throat, ribs, and head hurt all the time. Plus, a really good friend is in town for a short period, and this is the SECOND time in a row she's come to town and I've been sick and I really want to see her and her new baby. Bronchitis isn't a risk factor for the baby. It HAS forced me to slow down though, something I am not always good at doing. It's forced me to slow down, take a rest, and reflect on what's important. I have so many blessings, so many things to be thankful for. A bit of a cough is nothing.
I'm thankful for the time too reflect.

I have an amazing family. I really do. I'm so thankful for them. I'm thankful for the roof over my head, the husband by my side, the car in the driveway (for reals, love you, Sorento) and the baby in my belly. I'm thankful for my good general health. Sure, I have bronchitis now, but that's temporary. I'm thankful for the realtor working so hard to get my house sold so we can move on with life. I'm thankful for my job and the people who make that job possible. I'm thankful for the friends who put up with me. I'm thankful for my amazing dogs, especially miss Annie. I'm thankful for so much.

and I don't feel nearly as funky anymore. And for that, I'm thankful.

1 comment:

  1. ok wait EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK ! im so excited for you two ! i know times are crazy right now but YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA