Pregnancy Confessions

I have a confession. Well, a few confessions.
Confession #1: I've been a little bit of a pregnancy/ birth junkie for about 3.5 years. Like... borderline obsessed, minus the borderline part. I swear most waking moments (when I didn't have litters of puppies on the ground....) were consumed with reading and learning about all these decisions Jon and I would make for our babies should we ever be lucky enough to have them. In my reading, and many conversations with Jon of which I'm not entirely sure which actually interested him and how much he just went along with to humor me, I learned a whole lot and I'm thankful for that knowledge. I may be a bit weird now. I regularly pull out all (insert embarrassingly high number here) cloth diapers I've acquired and look at them, folding and organizing. Gosh darn it my newborn stash is adorable. I also think placentas are fascinating and totally cool. (I WILL be encapsulating, by the way. Yeah. You can go google that now and be absolutely horrified. I think it's awesome.)
Confession #2: For being fairly educated on these matters, I actually don't know a dang thing. I honest to goodness thought that being a pretty health conscious person with a pretty healthy diet, I would sail smoothly through pregnancy. I was convinced that people generally brought the sickness and nausea on themselves by not taking care of their bodies and paying attention to nutrition and, surely, this process that is what the mere survival of our species depends on can't be THAT hard on an otherwise healthy woman. No, it must be in their heads and in their choices. If only they'd make healthier choices they wouldn't be so miserable. Oh how very ignorant I was.
Confession #3: As much as I was absolutely and completely convinced that I just HAD to be one of those women that loves being pregnant and would never, ever have a single negative thing to say about this magical process, I'm not. During my 3+ years of infertility I admit it would really irk me when I'd hear women complain about their miserable symptoms. I still think it's a little insensitive around those struggling with fertility issues, BUT, I've come to realize that my conception problems didn't make them any less miserable... I didn't understand how anyone could NOT enjoy being pregnant. Then I got pregnant. On one hand, it's wonderful and I do wake up every single day and immediately think of how many weeks and days along I am, counting down the weeks to my guess date, and read all about baby Chase's development. I've never been happier about anything than to be expecting, I want this more than anything in the world. BUT. This pregnancy has not been easy, and it has not been fun.
A part of me has felt too guilty to just be straight up honest. I mean, I wanted this, we tried for this, we prayed for this for SO long, how dare I speak negatively of it now that our dreams are coming true?!

16 weeks.

How far along? 16 weeks exactly

How big is baby? Well, according to BabyCenter: "Right now, he's about the size of an avocado: 4 1/2 inches long (head to rump) and 3 1/2 ounces. "

Total weight gain/loss: -18. (140) Though the weight loss has slowed down the last 5 days, and I haven't lost anything so I'm really hoping that I've turned a corner on that. Even though things don't always stay down, I'm finding my appetite is returning and that's really exciting.

Maternity clothes? All my normal clothes still fit just fine. I don't think I will be needing maternity clothes any time soon.

Sleep: Still enjoying the fact I'm sleeping pretty decent most nights. Also maintaining the most normal sleep schedule I've had in a really long time which is nice. I try not to eat myself up too bad that I'm still requiring nearly 10 hours of sleep a day to feel rested, but the urge to nap in the evening seems to slowly be wearing off.

Best moment the last two weeks: Three words: IT'S A BOY.

Movement: I THINK I maybe felt movement once, I'm not really sure though and it's still a little early. Nothing regularly at all.

Food cravings:  I am really liking fruit right now. Cherries especially, and plums. Also raw peas and of course cucumbers still. I'm back to eating eggs which is nice, they're good energy. Eggs and raw milk are absolute staples. Occasionally I get a bit of a sweet tooth, which isn't normally like me, and I have a little scoop of ice cream at night.

Food Aversions: Still fairly repulsed by anything leafy. It's more a texture thing than anything. (OK, mostly it's the way it clings all over in my mouth coming back up. YUCK) 

Gender: Boy. We're having a boy.

Pregnancy Symptoms: Still just nausea, which also seems to be aggravated by motion sickness. I avoid going anywhere in the car at all costs right now. Also, my boobs hurt. Kind of... a lot. I'm boycotting bras, officially.... I don't really care if the world is offended that I am female, and therefore have breasts fully equipped with nipples. Get. Over. It. Bras hurt!

Belly Button in or out? In

What I miss:Hmm, I miss being able to go out without getting super nervous I'll get sick in public. I honestly don't even care when I get sick at home, it's part of the deal... but throwing up in public is super embarrassing to me.

What I am looking forward to: Hopefully nausea subsiding, and getting a belly.

Upcoming appointments/events: I will go back to my OB on the 23rd, and hopefully be cleared to resume planning a home birth. I'm super hopeful.

Milestones: So far: made it through first trimester, had first (and second) ultrasound, and discovered gender.

Bump Picture: Coming soon. 

It's a BOY!

I'm not sure how people can possibly make it through an entire pregnancy, knowing for more than half of it that they CAN know the gender of their baby... and still choose to not. Don't get me wrong, I think that's awesome if that's what people choose to do, I'm just so impatient.... never, ever could I do that. Ever.
On Friday I called an ultrasound place in Sandy to set up an appointment for this coming week. When I was making it they asked me how far along I was, of course, and then asked if I'd like to come in the next day. Of course I did! I made the appointment, and text Jon right away. The next 24 hours would crawl by.
Saturday I got up and got all ready for the day. That's an accomplishment these days being on bed rest and all. We headed up and we were so excited. The whole way up we talked about what we thought the baby might be. Jon has said boy since the beginning and I maintained that I had no idea and wasn't about to pretend to.
I still don't look pregnant... at all... and the tech looked quite skeptical when I told her how far along I am. She asked if I'd had an ultrasound already (yes) and if the doctor confirmed my due date (yes) and if we had heard a heartbeat recently (yes) but even so, she seemed to doubt me. I laid on the table, and we got started. It was great to see our baby up on the screen again. I'm just amazed at technology sometimes. To SEE my baby moving, wiggling... heart beating, all of that. It's incredible, really. It took no time at all to determine... it's a BOY. Jon is pretty over the moon thrilled about it. I am too but I had no preference to begin with.
We got several pictures in the package we paid for and then were off to share the news with family first, then announced it to the world.
We have already for absolute sure picked a name.

Chase Albert Lanman

Get ready, world. 

Your Body is SO [fill in the blank]

I have been just about every size in the book, from underweight to incredibly overweight, and luckily am currently residing firmly in the healthy BMI range. I can tell you from experience, there is NO size safe from comments. What I wonder is...  Why? Why do people feel the need to make comments about other people's bodies? What in their brains tells them this is necessary, desired, or even remotely appropriate. Let me explain.
Its human nature to compare. In fact, it's even human nature to judge. Where I have a hard time with this is when people feel the need to comment on the look, shape, or health of someone else's body without actually being solicited to do so by the owner of said body.
It's not exactly a secret, I had a pretty serious hormone issue from a certain birth control that contributed to my ballooning from a healthy size 8 to a not-so-healthy size 20. I was, in fact, obese for a couple years. A combination of poor eating choices as well as a couple medical issues made dropping the weight impossible for a while. Being a fat woman is not easy. The looks, the judgement, the comments.... Even from well-meaning family. It doesn't feel good. I always wondered if people thought I didn't KNOW I was fat and hence they felt the need to inform me. After a couple years I figured out no...  People just lack tack and really kind of suck.
Fast forward. I've lost every bit of unhealthy excess weight, thanks to sorting out medical issues (can't deny credit here!) and seriously dedicating myself to proper nutrition. The details, really, are unimportant. I'm healthy, that's what matters.
For a while, I relished in the comments. It was lovely to feel complimented and attractive again... And it still is! Simply hearing you look great is confidence boosting and makes people feel better about themselves. What doesn't feel so nice is the unsolicited "Your arms/legs/waist/neck/whatever is so skinny." Comments. Even at the hospital while getting a shot in my hip the nurse grabbed my hip and said "You're so bony!" and I am one too many "Look at how your collarbone sticks out!" Comments past being comfortable in normal tee shirts. And if only I could count how many times family members have commented my "small butt" (or the even better "You have NO butt!") After posting a picture of my torso to document my pregnancy, I got a comment that my hips stick out "too much."
Let's recap, folks. I am a HEALTHY body weight with a BMI of around 23, (In fact, just three points higher and I'd be considered medically OVER weight!) I weigh 141lbs and am a size 4/6. I am in NO way underweight, heck, I still have slight lovehandles and my tummy isn't even completely flat!
I understand that MOST of the time, these people actually mean well. The skinny/ bony comments aren't meant to be insults... at least, I don't think... or hurtful. YAY. Look at you! You're SO skinny! The thing is, we live in a culture where skinny, bony, etc. are almost (completely?) Synonymous with compliments, but they're not. They're uncomfortable, and make me feel like something is wrong with me. I don't like to hear it, and I shouldn't have to, quite frankly.  I don't want to be fat or skinny or chubby or bony, I want to be HEALTHY, if not attractive, and quite frankly, I THINK I AM, so kindly.... When you think it's appropriate to comment on someone's body unsolicited (other than telling them they look good!) Think again. Their body is none of your business and your thoughts on their body is none of theirs! Isn't there enough pressure put on women to LOOK perfect?
So, women, embrace your bodies, no matter the shape! Strive to be HEALTHY and to heck with what other people think. 

14 weeks: Hello Second Trimester!

Other than one big scare, things with this pregnancy are moving along fairly textbook. I'm THRILLED to officially be in the second trimester, and looking forward to the third. I think I'll do this twice a month this trimester since more things will be happening, and then weekly the third, but we'll see.

How far along? 14 weeks exactly

How big is baby? According to the babycenter tracker, about the size of a lemon! We've come a long way from the poppyseed days. Actually, when I really stop and think about how rapid and complex fetal development is, my brain kind of wants to explode. It's incredible!

Total weight gain/loss: -16. (142) Nausea is still a daily battle, but liquids are staying down much better and I'm keeping hydrated with more ease, so that's good.

Maternity clothes? No change in clothing fit yet, still in my normal jeans comfortably.

Sleep: I'm requiring a lot more sleep than I ever have. Likely because I struggle to get adequate calories and the baby obviously takes what they need, I'm left exhausted. I'm sleeping about 10 hours a day/night. Usually 7-8 hours at night, and a nap a few hours after I wake up in the morning. I sometimes feel sleepy in the early evening but do not allow myself to nap then, partly because it feels excessive, and partly because I want to continue sleeping well at night.

Best moment the last two weeks: Undoubtedly seeing our baby for the first time.... nothing I've experienced in my life even comes close to that level of extreme joy.

Movement: Still too early. I can't wait though.

Food cravings: Still not really having an appetite for much. Watermelon, cucumber, and cottage cheese are staples but wouldn't call them cravings, more like my go-tos. Though last night I absolutely NEEDED a cheeseburger, smothered in BBQ sauce and crispy onion strings. Jon picked one up at Chili's... granted I only ate about 1/4 of it and was stuffed, it hit the spot like no other and was DELICIOUS.

Food Aversions: The only thing that honestly repulses me is salad. I used to eat it every day, but it's so gross coming back up and that's happened so many times... I can't even look at it without gagging. Even just throwing a handful of spinach in the blender with a smoothie grosses me out. I do it.... but anything leafy is just... yuck.  

Gender: Obviously too early, but I have my suspicions.

Pregnancy Symptoms: Just nausea. I'm tired, but it's a side effect from lack of calories because of the dang nausea.  

Belly Button in or out? In

What I miss: I'm so damn happy to be pregnant, honestly... yeah, it would be nice to go out to dinner at a restaurant and not have to map out the quickest route to the bathroom, but it's whatever. It will pass eventually, and be so worth it.

What I am looking forward to: feeling movement, and discovering gender.

Upcoming appointments/events: Well, I am REALLY hoping to transfer to a midwife, but as for right now, I'm labeled high risk until this placenta tear is healed, so until further notice I am under the care of an OB. I will go back on July 23rd for the anatomy scan, and to check the placenta. If that's healed and I'm in the clear, I will go to a midwife after that. We MAY do a 3D Ultrasound July 5 for gender. Oh it's so tempting....

Milestones:Saw the baby for the first time, completed first trimester!

Bump Picture: Not much of a bump picture, but there it is...

The Scariest Scare

I must start with a few warnings. One, this story is graphic. To respect that some of you may want to know the gist of what happened without all the gory details, I'm going to put all the "gross" or graphic things in italics. If you don't wish to read those things, skim over them for just the basics. Two, for anyone who has experienced pregnancy loss, this may be a trigger story, though everything worked out in the end. Third, this was the best AND worst day of my entire life. Without a doubt.

Monday morning, I woke up feeling all sweaty. My shorts clung to my legs uncomfortably, and I tried to ignore it and doze back off to sleep, not really wanting to start the day yet. (Why are beds so much more comfortable in the morning than they are at night?!) I reached down to pull the material away from my skin, and was a little surprised just how "sweaty" I was. My hand.... was covered in blood. Confused, I threw the covers off, and looked down, and was horrified to find my entire side of the bed saturated in blood. My clothes, my body, my bed... the amount of blood was unreal. I literally pinched my arm wondering if I was having a nightmare... surely this kind of scene didn't happen in real life! I got up and ran to the bathroom, at this point still not entire sure where it even came from because I felt completely fine!
I peeled off the bloody clothes, and my heart completely dropped when I realized where it was all coming from. Inside me.
I sat on the toilet, still bleeding heavily. With every gush of blood, I felt all the happiness and excitement of this pregnancy leave with it. I felt something quite large pass, and heard it plop in the toilet. I have read several times over that any time you're pregnant and pass any kind of solid or clot matter to collect it to bring into the OB with you. I tried to see what it was, but by this time the toilet water was dark red with blood, so I had to fish it out. It was a deep red mass, about the size of a medium russet potato, and the exact texture and density of liver. I dropped it in the sink, and just stared at my blood covered hands. Listening to the blood, still pouring, my entire body was overwhelmed with sadness as I sobbed. I turned to wash my hands in the sink and call Jon. Between how crazy the bleeding was, and the size of the clot thing...
I had no doubt, I was losing our baby. It was over. Everything I had ever read the last three and a half years, the bleeding, the passing of a solid mass so big, it was nearly textbook miscarriage, minus cramps. I had no cramps at all, but I also felt SO empty and disconnected from my physical body I began to question if I was cramping and just not feeling the physical pain. I called Jon at work. It was about 8:45am at this point. I never call him at work, he didn't answer, but immediately text me "Everything ok?" Of course he had NO way of knowing what was going on. An hour earlier when he left for work I was fine. But, for some reason sitting, looking at those words... it seemed like the most ridiculous question anyone had ever asked me in my entire life. I couldn't text back, I called and he answered right away. I told him I was bleeding bad, that I was losing the baby, and needed him to come home right this minute. I told him about the bed, and that the bleeding wouldn't stop. He said he'd be here in 10 and hung up. What I didn't know, is he hadn't actually understood anything I had said, all he knew was he had to come home. So he was completely unprepared for the scene he was about to walk in on...
Sitting there, I felt so empty. A couple more clots passed, smaller than dime sized, and I have never felt more alone than in those moments. It was like nothing else would ever matter again. At a loss, I text my mom, and she called right away. I didn't know if I needed to talk, or what I even needed to say, I think I was just grasping at straws trying not to feel so alone and numb. I told her what happened, and asked who I should call, where I should go. I was super light headed by this point and was afraid to stand up by myself because I was so dizzy. I couldn't think of the name of the OB I saw year before last, or even the name of the clinic to google a phone number, so she called my sister to get it and Jon got home.
He walked in the bathroom, and had to take in the scene. The amount of blood everywhere was overwhelming... and he hadn't even seen the bed yet. Not realizing he hadn't heard what I told him on the phone, I could tell he was overwhelmed by what he saw. I couldn't find words. I just sobbed, and kept telling him I was sorry. He is just as excited about this baby as I am and though I now I'm obviously more "involved" at this stage in the game, being the one carrying the baby and all, it is HIS child too, just as much as mine. This was his loss too, not just mine. He held me as I sobbed.
At some point, I went into "deal-with-it" mode. There were things that had to be done, there were sheets and clothes that needed to get in the washer, there was a call to the OB to make. Unfortunately, I was so dizzy and light headed, I was useless for all of it. I told Jon he needed to strip the bed. He seemed a little confused, since he didn't know about the disastrous mess in the bedroom, he was, again, shocked to find yet more blood.
He threw everything in the washer, and helped me get upstairs. I wanted to be able to lay back a little, and ended up laying in the bathtub, trying to drink some Gatorade, because I was super dehydrated and water just hasn't gone down well this pregnancy at all. At all. Jon also called the doctor. They could get me in in about two hours. For those two hours, I cried, I searched the internet for ANY kind of hope, ANY kind of story of bleeding this heavy, and passing masses, and things turning out OK. I just wanted some kind of hope to cling onto, some kind of chance that what I knew wasn't the case. By the time it was time to go, I had still come up empty handed. Feeling defeated, Jon helped me get dressed, and we were off.
After we got checked in, I was looking around at the other patients: another couple very obviously excited to be there... a woman with the most perfectly round belly literally sitting there, smiling, a mom with a toddler who kept rubbing her belly, excited for their babies. And then me and Jon, sitting in silence, hands clasped, trying to wipe the tears away as quickly as they escaped my eyes. It seemed like we waited forever, but I know it was only about ten minutes. They took my weight, blood pressure, asked about some dates, what symptoms I'd been having, and about the bleeding. The look on the nurse's face was telling, she thought it was every bit as hopeless as I did. Her eyes were full of pity as she told me she was so sorry, and that this was the hardest part of doing what she does.
She took us into a room with a ultrasound machine and a huge TV on the wall. I turned to Jon... I did not want to see our baby without a heartbeat. I didn't want to see what was lost. The thought made me sick. I was already so attached, so in love, I couldn't bare the thought of having that image in my head.
The OB came in. I was still crying, I gave him the very cliff notes version of what happened, and he said he wanted to take a look and just see what exactly we are dealing with before making any final decisions.
He put the gel on my tummy, I turned my head, closed my eyes, tears streaming down my face. It wasn't fair. I had imagined this moment a million times- when we see our baby for the first time. It wasn't supposed to be like this. I felt hopeless.
"You're going to have to open your eyes eventually so why don't you take a look at your strong, wiggly baby."
...WHAT?
I looked at the screen, in COMPLETE shock. There was our baby, wiggling and dancing across the screen. Two arms, two legs, we could even count five toes on one foot, saw a strong, healthy heartbeat. There was no denying that baby was VERY much alive and well. It was the most incredible feeling I've ever experienced. I didn't know THAT kind of unconditional love really existed. I didn't know I could feel even more attached to this baby than I already had.

I kept saying "but there was so much blood... and that clot thing... how is this possible? How could it be? What matters is the baby is fine. I'm fine. I'm still pregnant.
What the OB determined, is I have a very low placenta that likely WAS covering my cervix, which is pretty common in early pregnancy. It can cause spotting, which I've had... but some of that slow bleeding can be collecting, creating a clot that can be big or small. That's likely how that potato sized mass was formed. A placenta that covers the cervix USUALLY moves into place as pregnancy progresses, and either the placenta itself moving or some kind of movement I did can make that clot come dislodged. The only time it's a true risk is if part of the clot is behind the placenta, and detaches it with it, or if it stimulates contractions. Luckily this isn't (really) the case with mine.  Mine appears to have been just barely behind the edge of the placenta, and did pull just a tiny bit away with it. However, it's minor enough that with "taking it incredibly easy" for the next 4 weeks, he is confident it will heal up and the baby will be just fine. I'm taking his orders seriously: no going to work, ABSOLUTELY no lifting, nothing strenuous, lots of rest, LOTS of fluids, and stress management.

The whole experience made me realize that my priorities have been out of whack again. All of these things I've been stressing lately: I need to be at Ruff House more, my house needs to sell, we need to move, we need to make more money, we need to blah blah blah. NONE of it freaking matters. None of it. Ruff House is dong great, I hope my house sells, but you know what... until it does at least I have a dang home! And money is hardly important. What matters is family. Not necessarily just blood family... but family. That's what matters, and I'm so thankful for mine.
I'm thankful for my family, and that when I'm lower than low, I have an INCREDIBLE support system behind me. That, I have someone to call when I feel alone... lots of someones! I'm thankful for my husband, who was my ROCK through the whole thing even though he was hurting, too. He cleaned up the gross bloody mess. He called the doctor when I couldn't speak. He held my hand through the whole day.... through the tears and hopelessness, and then through those magical moments of seeing our baby for the first time. I'm thankful God is trusting us with the miracle of another life, that he's allowing this baby to be a part of our family.
I'm thankful for medicine and technology that allowed us to see that everything is going to be OK. I believe pregnancy and birth are generally not risky and are USUALLY best left alone and not treated like a medical emergency. We do still hope to have a homebirth with a midwife, as long as my appointment next month shows that everything is healed and normal... but I'm thankful that that technology exists, that the OPTION of birthing in a hospital is there.
 I'm just thankful. 

12 Weeks

I'm twelve weeks along today. I guess you could say it's yet another milestone in my mind.... I mean, another month passed. Sometimes I wish I hadn't have found out SO early, because time is just barely inching by I swear.
This month has been a little hectic, but as far as the pregnancy is concerned, it's been fairly uneventful. I am having doubts on my initial choice of prenatal care provider, and this week have contacted a different midwife I really want to meet, so hopefully that will happen this week or next week at least. I know, without a shadow of a doubt that I want to stick with a midwife, and press forward with planning a home birth, that's for sure.
I'm still enjoying my alone time during the day. I write in my journal a TON. ~50 pages a week or so. I'm super excited to move in three weeks and pray that it goes smoothly.



How far along? 12 weeks exactly

How big is baby? about the size of a lime, which means I had to examine the limes at the store. We've come a long way from the poppyseed days!

Total weight gain/loss: -11 so far. I'm struggling with my appetite and nausea still, but I try not to get too hung up on numbers and just make the healthiest choices I know how to.

Maternity clothes? Hah... no. Not even close. My size 4 jeans seemed a little bit snug last night, but I think it was just evening bloat because they fit normal this morning.

Sleep: Still sleeping better than I usually do. In fact, I have a pretty normal sleep schedule for the first time in YEARS. I'm going to bed by 1am, and up by 9am, and not even waking up through the night. It's amazing.

Best moment this month: Definitely hearing the heartbeat for the first (and second. and third. and forth) time. Everything is just so real after that.

Movement: Still too early. I can't wait though.

Food cravings: Not so much having cravings. I'm struggling with even having an appetite. Fruit and pure fruit smoothies seem to be my safest bet, plus help with hydration so I have been eating a lot of them. Probably makes my diet higher in sugar than it really SHOULD be but at this point in the game, I'm not gaining weight, having a hard time keeping things down, and really there are worse choices I could make, so no guilt here.

Food Aversions: Salad. Usually I eat one every day but I can't find a leafy green that I can stomach right now. I'm hiding spinach in my smoothies to try to get leafy greens in, but I know I should be getting more. Really, I'm so tired of throwing salad up that the mere thought of eating anything "leafy" makes me gag. Other than that, nothing in particular irks me, but almost everything comes back up. I'm having a REALLY hard time with water, slightly better when I put a little shot of pure pomegranate juice in it, but trying to just eat foods with a lot of moisture (cucumber, watermelon, etc.) to help with hydration, which I know I'm having a hard time with. 

Gender: Obviously too early, but I have my suspicions.

Pregnancy Symptoms: Nausea. A lot of it. Every day. 

Belly Button in or out? In

What I miss: I miss.... being able to eat without having to consider how miserable it will be coming back up.

What I am looking forward to: getting out of the first trimester, hopefully start "showing" soon, feeling movement, finding out judgement, gosh.... everything.

Upcoming appointments/events: I no longer have an appt. scheduled for the 10th and am considering switching care providers.

Milestones: completed three months! Also heard a healthy heartbeat.

Bump Picture: I really can't wait to start showing, but if I'm being honest with myself, it's not happening yet. Sometimes, particularly in the evenings, I feel like my clothes are a bit more snug, but I know it's just bloat and not baby yet.