It's not really a secret that it took years of trying before Jon and I were blessed with our sweet Chase. Because of that, my doctor didn't hesitate to just get right to progesterone and clomid this time around and we started quite hopeful that it wouldn't be as long of a journey.
Unfortunately, we were wrong.
I went in for my day 21 blood work feeling cautiously optimistic. Unfortunately when the results came back they weren't in our favor. Initially I spoke with a receptionist who informed me that it looked like the clomid didn't work and my doctor would be calling me back with a plan. I didn't get too down on that, I mean round one, no big deal. After the brief sting of "not this month" wore off I went about my day.
When my doctor called me back, she said that my progesterone was not just low.... that my panel looked... menopausal. I was informed that my needs are beyond what their clinic can facilitate and we are being sent to the fertility clinic for further testing. We are hopeful that we might be candidates for IVF, though how we might manage to finance that is beyond me, where there's a will there's a way right? If my original doctor is right, however, we may be out of options.
I am trying not to get too ahead of myself. I am trying not to worry too much over things we do not know for certain yet. One blood draw is not enough to completely confirm what my reproductive status might be. But if I'm being honest? I'm scared. To death. The idea of never having another baby absolutely breaks my heart for a laundry list of reasons. I'm not ready for this chapter of my life to close and the thought of it makes me feel so much anger. It's not fair. It's not right. It's not what we want. The idea of not being able to give my son siblings tears me apart. If he doesn't have siblings..... who is going to be there for him when Jon and I are gone? Who is going to be is best friend when he's grown? A life without siblings? No. It's not what I want for him, for anyone.
We know adoption is something we want to do eventually- regardless of the verdict on future biological children, but it is also a long, expensive process and some people wait forever and never get picked.
We are going to a seminar on Tuesday to learn more, and then plan to hopefully pick a clinic here soon and schedule a consultation. A part of me is afraid to start this process because if it is indeed menopause, then it will be the nail in the coffin. That will be it for me. I'm done. And that absolutely positively breaks my heart in a million little pieces. Jon and I have always wanted at least 4 kids, and at this point we are just desperately hoping that we can get one more.
I know other people have gone through this, but I'm feeling pretty alone these days. Partly because... well, I AM alone most of the time, and partly my own doing: I know I've pulled away from basically everyone because quite frankly, I have nothing to say. I'm not fun to be around. I'm not social. I'm not happy. I'm at a place right now where I am questioning absolutely everything and I feel like I'm on the verge of having my only hope and dream that actually means anything ripped from me. Mom is all I've wanted to be. Nothing more. Nothing less.
I love my son with all my heart. I love my husband. And with this, it feels as though I've failed them both.
Unfortunately, we were wrong.
I went in for my day 21 blood work feeling cautiously optimistic. Unfortunately when the results came back they weren't in our favor. Initially I spoke with a receptionist who informed me that it looked like the clomid didn't work and my doctor would be calling me back with a plan. I didn't get too down on that, I mean round one, no big deal. After the brief sting of "not this month" wore off I went about my day.
When my doctor called me back, she said that my progesterone was not just low.... that my panel looked... menopausal. I was informed that my needs are beyond what their clinic can facilitate and we are being sent to the fertility clinic for further testing. We are hopeful that we might be candidates for IVF, though how we might manage to finance that is beyond me, where there's a will there's a way right? If my original doctor is right, however, we may be out of options.
I am trying not to get too ahead of myself. I am trying not to worry too much over things we do not know for certain yet. One blood draw is not enough to completely confirm what my reproductive status might be. But if I'm being honest? I'm scared. To death. The idea of never having another baby absolutely breaks my heart for a laundry list of reasons. I'm not ready for this chapter of my life to close and the thought of it makes me feel so much anger. It's not fair. It's not right. It's not what we want. The idea of not being able to give my son siblings tears me apart. If he doesn't have siblings..... who is going to be there for him when Jon and I are gone? Who is going to be is best friend when he's grown? A life without siblings? No. It's not what I want for him, for anyone.
We know adoption is something we want to do eventually- regardless of the verdict on future biological children, but it is also a long, expensive process and some people wait forever and never get picked.
We are going to a seminar on Tuesday to learn more, and then plan to hopefully pick a clinic here soon and schedule a consultation. A part of me is afraid to start this process because if it is indeed menopause, then it will be the nail in the coffin. That will be it for me. I'm done. And that absolutely positively breaks my heart in a million little pieces. Jon and I have always wanted at least 4 kids, and at this point we are just desperately hoping that we can get one more.
I know other people have gone through this, but I'm feeling pretty alone these days. Partly because... well, I AM alone most of the time, and partly my own doing: I know I've pulled away from basically everyone because quite frankly, I have nothing to say. I'm not fun to be around. I'm not social. I'm not happy. I'm at a place right now where I am questioning absolutely everything and I feel like I'm on the verge of having my only hope and dream that actually means anything ripped from me. Mom is all I've wanted to be. Nothing more. Nothing less.
I love my son with all my heart. I love my husband. And with this, it feels as though I've failed them both.
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