Wednesday, February 11, 2015

He's still around.

Jon and I are trying to figure out SO many things right now. Not a second of the day goes y without several big decisions weighing heavily on our minds. It's not a bad thing. Really, it's neither here nor there, we've just reached yet another of life's many forks and we are trying to figure out which path we are going to embark on together. If there's anything I've learned it's that life is so fluid. The things I'm certain of today may be completely different tomorrow, and I'm trying to become OK with this and allow myself to be fluid as well. I am learning to let go of some of the preconceived ideas of what I want our distant future to look like and consider opportunities as they come our way.
As I sit here in my living room, in the house that we have worked tirelessly to make a home, I know that we may not stay here forever. For so many reasons. We have unfinished business in Utah, things that will keep us here through 2015 for sure. But after that we don't know right now.
Historically when I have felt so bogged down with decisions and felt lost, I have taken my concerns to that comfortable safe haven up on the hill. Grandpa's house. Not a single situation seemed to be beyond Grandpa's wisdom and he always, ALWAYS had a listening ear. I didn't always take his advice, but knowing it was there has always been a comfort to me. He really is such a rock in my life. Now, with him gone, and Jon and I facing some of the bigger decisions we've ever had to make I've found myself feeling lost. Even bitter at times. It's been almost a year- the longest I've gone in my entire life without seeing him. Most days I feel pretty OK. I mean, there's a void, but we've slowly learned to pick up the pieces, find comfort in our eternal family, and carry on. But some days I've felt so overwhelmed and consumed with doubt, anger, and frustration and I struggle to navigate my life.
In my right mind, I can actually see how his passing was so necessary. He took such good care of us all, we could not grow with him here. I see it in my own marriage, I've had to rely so much more on Jon, and that's the way it SHOULD be, that's the dynamic that works. I know in my hear this is part of the plan for us, and I am at peace with that.
I had an experience last night, where I was once again feeling doubt, fear, and yes... anger. I have so many questions I need to ask him, and I was  feeling bitter that I can't just go on up the hill and find the peace of mind that's always resided there. I began to question things I know to be true. Is he really still around? Will I ever see him again? What am I even doing here?
And Jon and I got in the car to drive home after attending an Infertility and IVF seminar. I was feeling hopeful but confused. And then through the speakers came an old, familiar song. One that brought me back to our motorhoming days. One that filled my heart and every fiber of my being with a warm comfort and cast out any doubt I had. He's still around. And as I listened, and smiled to myself as memories of motorhoming shuffled through my mind, I had reconfirmation that this is all going to be OK.
I mean, I don't have a damn clue what we are going to do long-term. I don't know when or how we will build our family. I don't know what Jon's career path will look like. I don't know where our little family will call home. I don't know all of these things, but I know what Grandpa would tell me.
So, for now, I'm going to quit my bellyaching. I'm going to quit being dumber than a post. I'm going to get back to living in the now and focusing on things that ARE in my control and let the rest go. I'm going to enjoy my little boy.... because he sure is a handsome dude for having some funny looking parents. And I'm going to live. And along the way, I am going to enjoy the music.

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