The Most Wonderful Time of the Year

I love Christmas. I mean, I absolutely positively love it. I love everything about it- Christmas music, Christmas decorations, giving gifts to loved ones, the charitable spirit that seems to take over communities. It really is just a magical time of the year.
As I look back at the holidays of my married life, I am overwhelmed with joy. Even through the years we were not lucky enough to have little ones of our own, we were still blessed to always be surrounded by family. We are blessed to have memories of being a part of Christmas with our nieces and nephews before having kids of our own. There is something so special about the holiday season for little ones who still believe in all the magic. (now I feel a "Why-we-do-Santa" post coming on....) I'm so glad my siblings allowed us to be a part of those memories for their little families. Even though we get together nearly every single Sunday for dinner, Christmas is just special. I can't explain it, it just IS.
Despite how wonderful our Christmas memories are, each year, at the end of the day, Jon and I get in our car and drive home. Each year we've hoped that it's our last to be spent as a childless couple, as we desperately hoped to grow our little family. There was a certain level of emptiness met with yet another holiday season without a little one to dote on and create memories for. A season that for us is all about family also served as a reminder of our struggles in creating our own.
This year was different.
This year, the joy of the season was paired with the joy of the homecoming of Chase- something that will forever change this time of year for us. This year, we got to play Santa, staying up until 2am on Christmas eve to make the perfect Christmas display, even though he wont remember a darn thing. (many of his gifts were actually re wrapped from his shower. Don't judge.Or other essential items that I bought but hadn't opened yet so they were gifts. I mean, Chase TOTALLY wanted a wipes warmer for Christmas, right?)
 Christmas morning was spent in our home. We woke up without an alarm, we lounged around in bed, enjoying the quiet stillness of morning. Chase began to stir shortly after I woke, and I scooped him up and snuggled him while he ate breakfast. My heart was so full of gratitude and joy. I am so thankful my Heavenly Father trusted me with this perfect little human.
As I laid there in bed, Chase snuggled on my chest, Jon fast asleep, Annie curled up at my feet, I could not help but be overcome with a sense of absolute joy. I am so blessed. We live such a blessed life. We may not have super fancy things. Chase might not have a lot of "stuff." He may never have the latest and greatest toys, he may be getting necessities rather than wants every Christmas for the rest of his life, but you know what? I'm really just thankful that we CAN supply the necessities- especially in this economy!
And of course, the dogs were not forgotten this season, either. Miss Annie is always front and center, and the Danes got plenty of toys for both inside and outside throughout the year that I put in a box and wrapped under the tree.
I got up and made breakfast, and My mom and Tanya swung by after. Carson was happy to help baby Chase open his gifts! After, we went to my mom's and spent the day with family. I wish Shelly & Nathan's family would just move here already- it would really make these kinds of things that much more special to have EVERYONE together.
At the end of the day, we returned home- this year as a party of three rather than two. There was no feeling of sadness as we have experienced in the past. There was no void, no hole that needed filled. Nothing was missing. No, this Christmas left nothing to be desired. We are so blessed. So fulfilled. So lucky. We organized and put away some stuff, and then ended the day in the same way we started it- the three of us (OK, four, Annie totally counts) snuggled up in bed, counting our many blessings, overwhelmed by just how amazing life is right now.
I know many argue that Christmas is just another day, that we should be charitable and grateful year round... and I do agree with the latter. But Christmas is not just another day. It's a special day. I look forward to instilling the holiday spirit in my children, and creating special memories that will last a lifetime. I hope they find this time of year to be as special as I do. I hope Jon and I are able to make it special. It's not about the commercial aspect of the holiday. It's not about gifts. It's about family. It's about Christ. It's about giving. It's about counting our blessings. It's about magic.
And in our house, it's about Chase. <3 This tiny little human that entered our lives and changed everything. I am amazed every single day at how amazing he is- how perfect he is. He challenges me and makes me a better person just for knowing him. This holiday season I am thankful not just for our blessings with are too many to count, but also for our trials this year- for the opportunities for personal growth. Most of all, though, I'm thankful for family. For Jon's family. For my family. For Chase.

What's in a Name?

Chase Albert Lanman

D&C 20:70
Every member of the church of Christ having children is to bring them unto the elders before the church, who are to lay their hands upon them in the name of Jesus Christ, and bless them in his name.

December 15, 2013 was a special day for our family and for Chase. Our families gathered together for Chase's blessing. This is an LDS tradition in which new babies are given their name that will be on record with the church, as well as a priesthood blessing for their spiritual and physical well-being.  It was so special to have so many people from both sides of the family present to support Chase, we are so thankful for those who could be here.
As I looked around the room, my heart was touched. I can't believe the immense amount of support we have around us. Jon's family made the 6 hour drive to be here for the special day, and it really meant the world to us.
I'm thankful that Chase has SO MANY amazing men to look up to. It makes me so happy that he will grow up watching these men and knowing that their wonderful examples will help shape him into a great husband, father, and friend. He couldn't be luckier, he has the best father, grandpas, and uncles anyone could ask for. And the women in his life aren't too shabby, either.
The name we gave him, as most already know is Chase Albert Lanman. Jon and I have talked baby names for three years, and we had a couple picked out we liked, but when I was about 13 weeks pregnant, we felt very strongly that though there were several names we really liked- THIS baby was Chase. That would be his name. We flip flopped on middle names a little bit. I believe a father kind of has a right to name his first born son, and Jon had the absolute final say on middle names. Having no family tradition of middle names, I did suggest that if he wasn't opposed to it, or set on anything else, that there was one name- one person- that I really wanted to honor with a namesake at some point. It didn't have to be the first born son, it didn't have to be this baby, but eventually, at some point I wanted to use the name Albert after my grandfather. We immediately loved the name Chase Albert, and just knew it was his name. It has been his name since before he was born, and unlike so many people who name babies before birth we didn't even consider changing it after he was born.
There was no meaning behind the name Chase. Honestly, I just always liked the name since hearing it on House though it wasn't until I was pregnant we ever considered naming a baby that. Though when Chuck told Jon it was a former nickname of his it completely solidified the decision!
My father made the decision to not be a part of my life. He made that choice. Luckily for me, I was still left with one of the finest examples anyone could possibly have for what it took to be a father, grandfather, and all around respectable being.
I could never list the ways that my Grandpa Albert has positively influenced my life. Through my childhood most of my very best memories include time with my grandparents. He is a leader by example and I've never questioned his testimony or faith in the Lord as I've observed how he lives his life. Even at my worst- even as an arrogant, ignorant, unruly teenager, I've never questioned that my grandpa Albert was there for me- that he loves me and wants me to be happy. Growing up, I really thought Albert had the answers to everything. How things work. How to fix things. How to solve problems. How to live life. And he always has! Now as an adult, I don't just think he has this whole life thing figured out- I know it. He is the wisest, smartest person I've been blessed enough to meet. I honestly believe that his influence has made me a better person, and the same can be said for anyone lucky enough to know him. The year I spent living with my grandparents was probably the single most life-changing year of my life. As I observed my grandparents, things just started to make sense. The way they lived made sense. I could clearly see the way their morals, values, lifestyle, and practices brought them genuine happiness. It changed me. (No, really it did. I even make my bed now. Thanks, Grandma Billie!)
SO, when it came to giving our son a name, we thought about what we wanted it to mean. We knew we want to give our babies family names for middle names. We have several we intend to use eventually. When I think of the kind of person I hope for him to be, the qualities I hope to instill in him- patience, kindness, charity, spiritual strength, a testimony of his Savior, etc. I can't think of anyone who better embodies these traits than my grandfather. It means so much to me that Chase has grandpa Albert's name. I'm so thankful that he has such a wonderful father to look up to- something I never had- because I realize that Chase won't have the example and memories of Grandpa Albert that I cherish so much. It means the world to me that he has his name.

 So that's the story behind his name. Chase Albert Lanman.

Annoying Moms on Facebook

Every now and then I stumble across things that I just have to say something about. Today is one of those days. As I was sitting here waiting for my mom to finish her shower (because in case you haven't heard, Jon and I are living with her for the time being. It's nice. There's laundry service.) browsing Facebook, someone had posted a link to a blog of annoying things new moms do on Facebook. Said link was accompanied by a comment about how this person was so upset about what the blogger wrote. I know new moms on FB are annoying. It's comical really. I try not to flood the feed with pictures but dangit I grew a human being- a really damn cute one- and I just can't help it.
I thought to myself, "Gee, it's a shame so many people are so easily offended. Who cares what some blogger things. New moms on Facebook DO post some pretty stupid things, we're annoying.... myself included. Heck, I posted about a chin fat roll this morning, and six weeks ago posted a picture of 2mL of breast milk. So, I clicked the link. You can read the link here. (Tanya.... see how "here" is a different color? That's the link. You can click it.)

So, I'm reading along. Ten annoying things new moms post on Facebook.
Oh, haha, ultrasound pictures, YUP, I was totally guilty of that.
Oh hey, pee sticks. Nope. Didn't post pictures of those other than the actual results window. So half guilty.
Hmm, bodily functions... I don't think I mentioned the bajillion times I did in fact pee my pants, might have mentioned heartburn thought, so maybe I'm a little guilty there. Darn. I am, however, innocent in regards to posting things about HIS bodily functions, but if you must know.... he has had suppositories and enemas, with massive success. Though he did have a fairly impressive man fart last night. Go Chase!
I haven't posted about sick kids.
Though I did my biweekly belly shot for the blog (well, OK, I really kind of failed at actually DOING them...) I certainly never posted bare selfies all the time. Innocent there!

So I'm just laughing along, knowing full well I'm guilty of many of these, and not really caring what most people think because it's my Facebook and I'm just not really one to worry about if people like my stuff or not. I couldn't figure out why someone would be offended by this post.


Then I got to number six. The number six most annoying thing new moms post on Facebook.

6. Babies with tubes hooked up to them.Am I the only one that thinks this is upsetting? Moms, we know you can’t wait to show the world your sweet infant, but for the love of God and humanity, can you not wait until he/she is healthy? Your friends and family hope you have a healthy child and are praying for you, but it doesn’t make anyone feel joy to see that innocent little thing hooked up to a bunch of tubes. It makes us feel sad. For the baby. And for you.

And for the record, sharing personal matters is what email, texts, and phone calls are designed for.

And I actually felt angry. I am NOT one to choose to be offended by how other people think/ feel. (Yes, I believe taking offense is a choice.) But this mentality makes me angry. Really angry.
The first week of his life, my baby had nine different tubes/ wires connected to his little 2 1/2 lb body as he literally fought for his life.  Did he not deserve to be shared with friends and family? Is his life not every bit as important as those fat, beautiful, healthy full- term babies on the 4th floor of the hospital? And it boggles my mind that someone ELSE would be offended by the fact MY baby isn't healthy. Life isn't butterflies and rainbows all the time. Old people fall. Babies get sick. Life
isn't fair, and you know what... NO. NO I can't wait until he is healthy because here, in reality, some babies never DO get healthy. Some babies don't ever go home. What an incredibly selfish person.

I hope Chase's photos haven't offended anyone, but if they have- I'm not sorry. I'm not sorry if someone has made the conscious decision to be upset with me for sharing his struggles and progress. I'm OK with being an annoying mom on Facebook. I use it to share with friends and family how we are doing, and I make no apologies. Do you have any idea what it's liked to feel robbed of a normal newborn experience? I didn't get to hold my baby when he was born. I didn't even get to SEE him for half a day, or HOLD him for nearly a week. Do you know what it's like to go home without your newborn? To have to ask permission to touch or hold him? To have him taken away from your arms because he's not breathing, and his heart rate is dropping? NICU moms are robbed of so many firsts and experiences with their sick babies. I don't want pity- we are one of the lucky ones. My baby will come home. Some aren't that fortunate. It makes me sick to think some folks think those babies don't deserve to be celebrated and shared with the world.
So if this little face offends you, I really very strongly suggest you remove yourself from my friends list, because I have absolutely every intention of posting every milestone and update. It's one of the easiest ways to share with actual family and friends (people who DO care about him) how he's doing. I will not worry myself about if each picture has "too many" tubes and wires. I'm proud of him. I'm proud of his strength and how much progress he's made. I'm proud of him for kicking his cannula to the curb, and I'm proud of him even if he needs it again someday. I'm proud of him for beating his infection, and if he needs an IV for antibiotics again guess what!? Still proud of him. So I will sit down here, in a rocking chair, snuggling my perfect son, snapping all kinds of pictures, and posting as many as I damn well please.

Am I worried about being an annoying mom on Facebook? Not so much.

Stay tuned for the breastfeeding selfies. We're still learning.

Thirty Days of Thanks

Halloween is over. That means my enthusiasm for the Christmas season is slightly less frowned upon now... and you bet I'm already excited. I can't wait for the house to be put together so I can deck the halls with all kinds of holly jolly goodness. Jon is working so hard, and it's getting so close... it's just such a time consuming process.
I'm going to do a whole update on Chase here soon... he's a whole month old today. A MONTH! Can you believe that?! But that's not what this post is. This post is my November crap-I'm-thankful-for post. I know most people do it daily on Facebook, but life is so hectic I don't always get around to that.

So, for every day of November:

1. I'm thankful for my husband, Jon. Because he is my rock, my sanity, my eternal companion, and one of the most respectable people I've ever met. I'm so lucky to have such a hard working man in my corner. I'm so proud of all that he's accomplished this year, and there's absolutely no one else I'd rather be on this journey through life and beyond with. I simply don't tell how amazing he is enough. He challenges me, he drives me nuts, but at the end of the day I know he'd do absolutely anything for our family and I am SO blessed to have someone like that in my life.

2. I'm thankful for my son, Chase. I never imagined I could love someone this unconditionally. The things

he's taught me about life, myself, and love in the last month surpass everything I thought I knew my entire 24 years of life. Without trying, he inspires me to be a better person- to be a better wife to my husband, to be a better friend, to be the best mom I possibly can be... because he deserves that. He deserves the best, and because of that I'm inspired to always better myself. I'm so incredibly proud of the progress he's made, I'm amazed how strong and determined he is. But mostly.... mostly I just love him. Wholly, completely, and unconditionally. I'm thankful God trusted me with this perfect little person. (not to be confused with an actual "little person." He's not a midget. Just a tiny human being.)

3. I'm thankful for my family. All of them. I remember my mom used to tell me (when I was a bratty teenager) that someday I would realize that my family loves me. Boy was she right. How did I not see this back then? I have been blessed with an incredible family, full of wonderful examples and so much love. My mom, grandparents, and siblings truly are my favorite people in the world and there's no one else I'd rather spend my time with. I love our family vacations, I love Sunday dinner, and I love our little traditions.... and not just because I totally dig boating, free food, and Christmas pajamas... but because I love my family.

4.  I'm thankful for my home. It's not new, and it's not fancy. The basement floods from time to time and the windows need replacing. But, it's home. It holds 2.5 years of memories, and is the place we will grow our family. It's where Chase will learn to crawl, and walk. It's where Jon and I will learn how to be parents.  I'm thankful we have a place to call home at a time that many people do not. Even with all its imperfections, I'm thankful for my home.

5. I am thankful for my dogs. I know no one else really gets what they mean to me, and I'm so lucky that Jon loves them too. They bring so much love and joy into our home. They have been our little family for the last 4 years, and I wouldn't change it for anything. I don't think I've been a very good "dog mom" this year, as we tried to move (which was mostly to better accommodate them!) and then tore our house apart, they've spent way too much time boarding. They're such troopers though. I adore them. They're simply a part of me. Especially Annie, whom I'm not even sure how I made it 20 years without.

6. I'm thankful for my staff at Ruff House. What incredible people. I'm not sure how they manage to put up with such an incompetent "boss" but when I count my blessings, I count my staff twice. They are the heart of Ruff House- they make it the great place it is, and I owe them so much. I don't think I could ever adequately express my appreciation for how hard they work, and how much heart and soul they put into it. It does not go unnoticed!

7. I'm thankful for Ruff House, and Jon's job at Intermountain. I know a lot of people are out of work right now and it makes me feel even more blessed that Jon has stable full-time work. Not only that, but we are fortunate enough to own a business that despite the fact neither of us are business-savvy by ANY stretch of the imagination continues to thrive. We aren't rich by any means- probably never will be, but that's OK. We are blessed, and I'm so thankful.

8. I'm thankful for Facebook. As silly as it sounds... I am! It makes it so much easier to keep in touch with people that matter- especially since Chase was born. I love reading updates from friends and family, especially from my sister in Texas. This year I've gotten to know a few great people better through Facebook, too! Yay new friends!

9. I'm thankful for my midwife, Sheri. Not only was she a wealth of information through my pregnancy, but the emotional support and security I found in her care can be passed by none. She's amazing. I did not ultimately have the birth experience I had hoped for, but even at the hospital and after, she's been right there for me. I'm AWFUL at keeping her updated and keeping in touch, but it's my hope that she knows how much I mean it when I say I'm so thankful for all she's done for me, which is more than she'll ever know.

10.  I'm thankful for medicine and technology. How lucky are we to live in a time with so many advancements in technology and medicine?! Anyone who knows me knows I try to avoid medicine, doctors, and hospitals at all costs but boy am I thankful it's there when it's TRULY needed. Thanks to medicine and technology my son will live.

11. I'm thankful for people. Yes, people. I must say, having a positive attitude and outlook isn't something that just comes naturally to me. I can not tell you how many times I've been overwhelmingly touched by the genuine care, concern, and support shown by SO many people since Chase was born. People I haven't spoken to in years- friends of my siblings and mom- complete strangers, they all crept out of the woodwork with nothing but prayers, positive vibes, and well wishes for our family. My faith in humanity is honestly restored. People are GOOD. Please know how much it has meant to Jon and I. Chase's positive progress is no doubt in part thanks to his cheerleaders out there keeping him in mind.

12. I am thankful for access to clean water and food. So many people don't have these very basic things.

13. I'm thankful for my friends. New and old. The few that are like family and the ones I am just getting to know. I'm so lucky to have such awesome people in my life.

14.  I'm thankful for country music. It's true. I love the stories it tells, the memories it holds, and the fact that it has the ability to just make me feel happy just because. <3

15. I'm thankful for Ellen DeGeneres. No, for real... because sometimes you just need to flippin laugh, and she does the trick every single time.

16. I'm thankful for military families- not just the men and women fighting for our freedoms, but their families who are also sacrificing so much every time their loved one goes away with no promises of returning.

17. I am thankful for my testimony of eternal families. I can not tell you how much this has comforted me this month. I love knowing that my family, Chase included, have the opportunity to be together forever. I love my family so much, my only fear is that forever isn't long enough. How wonderful it is to know that there never has to be a goodbye, not really. Even moreso, I'm thankful that my mom and Danny loved our family enough to live life in a way that gave us the opportunity to be sealed. I will NEVER forget how strongly I felt that day, and it's my hope they won't either. I'm glad I have such a great priesthood-holding husband and that Chase was able to be born into an eternal family.

18. I am thankful for the gospel. I wasn't going to get all religious and sappy, but really I just can't make a list of the things I'm thankful for and NOT mention these things. I'm not perfect, goodness knows I stray, but at the end of the day peace, comfort, and joy are to be found in the gospel.

19. I'm thankful for NICU nurses. Even the ones that annoy me. I'm glad there are people who can emotionally handle that job because I never could. Without his nurses, Chase wouldn't stand a chance, and I am so appreciative of their patience with me as I try to navigate this journey and learn about all the things that come with having a very premature baby.

20. I am thankful to be American, and the freedoms and rights that come along with that. It makes me so sad to see our current president threaten our rights and freedoms with his screwed up agenda, but that doesn't change the fact I'm darn proud to be an American! SO many people live without the right to vote, or freedom of religion.

21. I am thankful for my knowledge in nutrition. Though I continue to learn, I am thankful for the things I do know about nutrition. I am thankful that Chase will be able to have a better start because I know what I do. I'm thankful that I know the healing power of real foods, and that I know how to use them to heal my body naturally. It makes me sad how little the general public knows about food... and how in turn very little of what they eat is actually food!

22. I am thankful to live where I do. As much as Utah culture annoys me sometimes, I can't help but feel blessed to live in such a great place. I love our distinct beautiful seasons, (though Fall and Spring are entirely too short!) I love the safety and security of a low violent crime rate- perhaps because so many Utards are too drugged out on RX pain killers watching porn? (Utah has the highest rate of RX drug abuse and porn addiction. How funny.) I love the real sense of community even though I'm not the best at being neighborly. Are there other places I like to think I'd rather live? Well yes. (Looking at you, Northern Idaho!) But when it comes down to it, the proximity to family and all this place has to offer just can't be beat for me.

23. I am thankful for my sense of humor. I'm not sure how I could get through life if it weren't for being able to stop and laugh at myself every now and then. :-) I love making my family laugh... though to be fair they're a pretty easy crowd, but I'll take it!

24. I'm thankful for the examples of motherhood in my life. I'm trying to learn this new foreign role to me. It's a difficult task to navigate with the completely unnatural setting of NICU with rules and hovering nurses, but I'm trying. I'm so thankful for the AMAZING women in my life who are such shining examples of the kind of mom I aspire to be.

25. I'm thankful for books and the ability to read. Despite the fact my nieces and nephews were convinced I didn't know how to read for the longest time, I can. I love reading! I love relaxing with a good novel, and I love picking up a book and learning something new. I can't imagine a life without books!

26. I'm thankful for my past. I really am. Yes I did a lot of stupid things and made some terrible choices (Portland, anyone?)  Through many less-than-ideal experiences I feel like I've gained an irreplaceable perspective on so many things, and I wouldn't trade that for the world. It's made me who I am, and quite frankly, I LIKE who I am. It's hard not to since I'm so awesome and all.

27. I am thankful for doTerra oils and the quick relief they bring my body time and time again!

28. I'm thankful for all the support SO MANY people have shown our family. There's no doubt in my mind that much of Chase's speedy progress is due to all the people praying and rooting for him. I didn't realize how many people cared, I didn't realize that people are just that good. It has been a blessing in so many ways to our family.

29. I'm thankful for all the help family and friends have given as we've put our house back together. We never imagined our renovations would take so long or be so difficult. I feel as if our decision to stay put amounted to a whole lot of work for a whole lot of people. I feel so bad for that, but I'm SO SO thankful for the countless hours people pitched in and helped us with plumbing, electrical, moving stuff around, and so much more. We really never could have pulled these projects together without everyone's help and though we are officially two and a half months past our original goal deadline, it would have NEVER gotten completed if so many hadn't been so willing to help when I know for a fact there were a million other important things on their plates.

30. I'm thankful for cows. Because I like to drink their milk and eat their flesh. Nom nom nom.

How I'm REALLY doing

I try really hard to keep a completely positive attitude on this NICU journey with Chase. I try to be strong for him, and have a positive outlook. I hesitate to share bad news, and try to hang onto enthusiasm over the baby steps in the right direction for as long as possible because sometimes I don't know when the next little bit of progress will come along to rekindle that fire.
Last night, in the car on the way home after some pretty bad news my mom told me it's OK to be real. I said I was afraid if I allow myself to be negative then more negative things would happen. I'm not trying to be negative, but for just one moment... one blog post... I need to be real.

Sometimes I hate it when people ask how I'm doing. I know everyone means well, and really I'm touched by how much support and genuine care people have shown our family through everything. But...I went through three years of infertility, planned a perfect home birth I was excited about, was excitedly counting down the days until my baby would be born at home, spent YEARS making every little decision, only to have all of that go down the drain. Now I sit by an incubator and watch a monitor full of numbers pleading with God  that this tiny miracle might remember to breathe a little better tonight than he did last night, pleading that none of the flashing numbers dip down again that hour, knowing that if they do my skin-to-skin time will be cut short as they assess him and determine if his care regimen needs to change. I wake up every hour through the night, hoping that he's OK, knowing that a bad news phone call could come in at any given time. My phone ringing is all it takes to make MY heart stop beating, my body to break into a nervous sweat, and my mind starts racing. How the Hell do you THINK I'm doing? I'm a new mother separated from my newborn. My baby is in NICU. I'm not OK, and I won't be until he's strong, healthy, and home.

Sometimes, I'm angry. I'm angry that my baby has to get poked and prodded every day. I'm angry that he has to go through tests, blood transfusions and exams every day. I'm angry that his little body looks battered and bruised from all the needle pokes. I'm angry that he is so bothered by all the things taped to his body all the time. I'm angry that he's not home in mama's arms, which is the ONLY place new babies belong. I'm angry that I have to ask permission to hold my own baby. I'm angry that I don't always understand exactly what's going on and what is best for him. I'm angry that I didn't get to spend those first few minutes of his life with him, as I was knocked out and he was rushed off to NICU. I'm angry that we can't be together all the time. I'm angry that he gets a revolving door of nurses rather than a team that gets to know him. I'm angry at my body for not cooperating, for letting this happen, for failing him. I'm angry my c-section isn't healing properly. I'm angry that the pain involved makes it unsafe for me to drive, and that I'm so reliant on rides and other people.

Sometimes I'm sad. My heart breaks for him every time he has to go through yet another traumatic experience. He's only three weeks old and he's been through way too much already. I'm sad that I can't protect him from all this. I'm sad that I am missing out on so much because I can't be at the hospital 24/7. I'm sad that he's in pain.

Sometimes I'm afraid. I'm afraid of infections. I'm afraid of him getting sick. I'm afraid of feeding issues. I'm afraid of apnea. I'm afraid of brady spells. I'm afraid of all the things that keep babies reliant on machines for longer, which in turn keeps them in the hospital longer. I'm afraid of RSV, I'm afraid of the flu. I'm afraid of making wrong decisions and him suffering for it. I'm afraid of letting him down and I'm afraid of not being good enough.

So, when you ask me how I'm doing, and I tell you I'm fine... know that it's a lie. It's a big fat lie. I'm going to continue saying it, in hopes that it eventually becomes the truth. I'm going to keep trying to be positive, and I'm going to continue to have faith it will all eventually turn out OK. I'm going to continue believing that Chase will come home strong and healthy someday, and I'm going to keep dreaming of the day I can hold my son and not stare at the flashing numbers on the screen to know when he needs help breathing. I won't allow the anger, sadness, and fear completely take over... but they are always there, sometimes in the back of my mind, and sometimes front and center.

Our NICU Journey: Week 1

If baby Chase had stayed put, today would have marked 31 weeks. Instead, he is ten days old.

Ten days. I can't believe how much life has changed. Less than two weeks ago my daily agenda revolved around little projects around the house, getting things ready for Chase, and counting down the days to mid-December. Now it's revolved around getting back and forth between NICU to visit him, and pumping milk every two hours.  

Nothing can prepare you for something like this. Through our TTC journey and then through this pregnancy, we just didn't think about "what if he comes super early?" I don't think anyone does, because it's one of those things that you just don't expect to happen to you. But it did. 

Sometimes I don't know how I'm supposed to feel. I am overwhelmed with gratitude that he is here safe, and that we will be able to bring him home- even if it's not as quickly as I would have liked. I love him so much. But sometimes, generally in the middle of the night, I just feel angry. I feel angry that he's not here with me, angry that he's having to go through all this, angry at the situation. I don't understand how it's decided who gets healthy babies and who doesn't. I try to push those feelings out and be thankful for what we DO have, thankful for how many things ARE going great with him... but it's not easy. Being separated from him feels very unnatural. 

The first time I got to hold him I have to admit- I was a little scared. Certainly not scared enough to not jump on the chance when it was offered to me, but I was nervous. He's so tiny. His little arms and legs... there's just nothing to them. I mean, all of him weighs less than 3lbs. 3lbs is tinier than I pictured it. I was afraid that he wouldn't be happy, that he would just want to be put back- and afraid that I'd do something wrong and hurt him. All of those things went through my mind but at the end of the day, I wanted to be close to him and knew these fears were something I

needed to just get rid of. I have a son now, and he's going to need me to be there for him- there's no room for fear in that. (as someone I greatly admire told me this week: there is not room for fear in parenting.) 

Holding him for the first time, which happened on October 12th, was the best feeling in the world. He just melted and snuggled in, and for an hour- life was perfect. It was natural, he was exactly where he belongs. We get to do that every night, and if he starts to gain weight better will add in mornings too. 

I'm amazed at the progress that can be made one baby step at a time. In a week, he moved off the ventilator onto a CPAP, and then gradually weaned him off of that onto a regular nasal cannula. That didn't go super smoothly so they put him back on CPAP, and then a high flow cannula. As of today, he's back to a regular nasal cannula. He had so many tubes and wires going on the first couple of days and several of them have since come out. His PICC line will come out in the next day or two as long as he continues to tolerate his feedings well. I know we still have a long road ahead, and these things are often two steps forward, one step back (as we learned with his oxygen...) but the idea of him needing LESS machines makes me really happy. As much as I can accept the PICC line, cannula, and feeding tube as things that are helping him that he needs, I know they can't be the most comfortable, and if he's strong enough- I'd rather he not have them. He's such a trooper. 

Seven weeks or so- best case scenario. He has at least seven weeks left in NICU. I hope every week goes by as quickly and overall smoothly as this one has. 

Where we're at now: Chase is having acid reflux after his feedings, which he may or may not grow out of, but we aren't overly concerned about it at this point. His biggest hurdle is that his brain isn't reliably telling his body to breathe- so he tends to stop breathing, which in turn makes his heart rate nosedive, and he has to be moved/ roughed up to stimulate him and then he comes back around. His lungs in and of themselves are just fine- he just forgets to use them. His weight dropped down to 2lbs 10.5oz, but is picking back up. He's at 2lbs 14oz now, which is just an ounce below his birth weight. The more weight he gains, the more we get to hold and touch him so that's a really big deal. 

As for me and Jon... we are hanging in there. It gets overwhelming and we have our moments of pity parties, for sure. Jon is working hard (as always! He's such an amazing husband and father) on getting things prepared at the house for all of us to come home. Since everything is so torn apart and I've been a little out of commission lately, we've been staying at my mom's. I'm anxious to get the house put back together and settle into whatever our new normal is going to be. Plus it's a shorter drive to the hospital and I'm pretty sure we're spending a fortune on gas alone. I'm mostly focusing on eating, drinking, and pumping like crazy. Soon, I will be staying at the hospital during the days and being as present as possible for absolutely everything. A couple things have gotten in the way of that this week- recovering from my c-section, inability to drive, lack of cooperation from my body, etc. but Chase needs me, and I need him. 

When Things Don't Go According to Plan: The Birth Story of Chase Albert

Generally, today, I’d be telling you all about weeks 28-30 of pregnancy. I'd tell you my bellybutton is still an innie, that I'm not wearing maternity clothes- but perhaps I'm cheating because I officially live in sweats. I might comment that I’m nauseous, or tell you how crazy I’ve been nesting lately. I might mention that our house is coming right along and that I started putting all of Chase’s cloth diapers on the shelf this week. I’d tell you all about how I sent Jon to the grocery store at midnight to satisfy the most intense grilled cheese craving of all time, and about how I still adore egg and cheese burritos, as long as they are smothered in hot sauce. I’d surely mention how far away December is and that I was so looking forward to meeting my son, whom was growing rapidly in my body.

But, sometimes things don’t go as planned. Sometimes, no amount of preparation, learning, or striving towards a particular goal is enough to make it happen. Sometimes God writes a different plan, one that catches us completely off guard, one that we may not understand at the time, (or ever!) and we must learn to be flexible. You can imagine my surprise, after nearly three and a half years of planning a beautiful natural home birth, and nearly 30 weeks into a healthy, fairly textbook pregnancy, when I went into labor at just 29 weeks, 4 days.

Chase Albert Lanman was born at 12:48AM on October 7, 2013 via emergency c-section. He was 15.5” long, and weighed 2lbs 15oz. His gestational age at the time of his birth was 29 weeks, 5 days, and this is his birth story.

Anyone that knows Jon and I knows that we were very passionate about the beautiful natural home birth we had been planning for the entirety of our 3+ year TTC journey. Birth has become a real interest of mine during that time as I’ve been fascinated learning about all things pregnancy, birth, and baby. It really is an incredibly interesting topic! I’m a firm believer that medicine and routine intervention really have no place in normal childbirth and tend to cause more problems than they solve. I am, however, thankful for the technology and options available for those FEW times that for whatever reason, birth doesn’t go quite so “normal,” when it really IS necessary to intervene. I am thankful for the knowledge I have acquired. I am thankful that I took the time to learn what I did, so I can look at my birth experience and know that what we did was necessary, that this was one of those not-too-common cases where medicine was necessary, where it was valid, where it was right. I am at peace with the decisions that were made. I cannot deny being disappointed that we did not get the beautiful birth we had planned and hoped for, but we did get a growing and learning experience that has brought our family closer together. 

My labor with Chase was easy. Mostly because I had absolutely no idea I was really in labor until I was pretty well into transition and my body wanted to push him out. I had what I thought were Braxton hicks contractions all day and went to my midwife’s to get checked out- certain everything was OK and just wanting peace of mind. After checking me, we all just suspected that I was maybe getting a bladder infection which was causing the contractions, (the pressure and discomfort I was feeling was very consistent with this- and because I didn’t even suspect I was in labor- and only 29 weeks along it wasn’t the first thought to cross anyone’s minds, it made sense.) We decided to go down to the hospital and just get some things checked out, just for peace of mind- urinalysis, probably get some antibiotics, and maybe a non-stress test for Chase. We left pretty convinced we’d all be home and in bed at a decent hour. In fact, at this point we didn’t even think to contact family or anything, figuring there was nothing to report. “Hey, everyone, just letting you know I maybe have a bladder infection!” No. No one does that.

At the hospital, I gave a urine sample, and they strapped the monitors to my belly to make sure Chase was doing well while we waited to hear back on that. He was. Several contractions came and went during this time. I was able to breathe through them, allowing the waves to come in, peak, and wash away one at a time. Sherri supported me through each one. Her presence brought me so much peace and comfort, I was able to relax completely even in uncertainty. The hospital nurse gave me a pelvic exam which was immensely uncomfortable to no fault of hers. Contractions came and went, and I noticed they started to come more and more quickly. At some point it occurred to Sherri that maybe this had nothing to do with a bladder infection, and maybe I wasn’t even in early labor- maybe I was actually in late labor. At seemingly that exact moment I suddenly felt like I needed to use the bathroom. When I voiced this, I think what was happening “clicked” throughout the room because it was like everything stopped for a moment. A moment after, I started getting shivers, though I wasn’t cold. I wasn’t really in pain, but I felt very pushed to my limit in a very physical sense. Each contraction that came would push me right until I felt like I couldn’t do it anymore, and then it would roll back and I’d catch my breath. At this point, a doctor came in. I have no recollection of him even being there, as I was so tuned into myself and what was happening I didn’t even know he was in the room… until things started to unravel….

Once we confirmed (by complete chance…) that I was in real labor, and there was no going back or stopping it, and there was talk of c sections, and ambulances, my fear set in, and so did the pain. I was managing OK, right up until the EMT said no one could go in the ambulance with me- not even Jon- and then I just could not cope with the fear. I have a lot of anxiety around hospitals, and I recognize that, so to take my main support system away, and add in all the uncertainty going on, the idea of having to go alone was just terrifying. How would I make it through the contractions without Sherri’s support? How would I know everything was OK without Jon’s calming presence? No, this wasn't what birth was to me. It wasn't OK. I was scared. I felt myself slip into a panic as I struggled to regain focus on my breathing and relaxation. Unfortunately the overwhelming fear translated into overwhelming pain and I found myself being “that woman” in labor begging for “help.” Vocally I was asking for pain medication, but that wasn't what I needed. I needed to get out of my own head- to get rid of the fear. I knew it was the fear getting in my way, but I also didn't know how to cope with that. My whole coping mechanisms depend on the fact that I trust birth- and I do- but I trust natural birth. This was out of my comfort zone, and in that moment I didn't know how to adapt to it. I didn't know how to let go of that fear. At some point, in the ambulance, I was able to get myself refocused to some extent. I accepted that this was not the plan, but it was happening, and I knew that my son needed me to work with him and to do that, I HAD to set my fear aside. I laid there, allowing the contractions to roll over me as I fell into them, humming and ahhhhing deeply through them. They were doubling over each other at this point- lasting longer than the breaks in between them were. I knew from everything I read that Chase’s appearance wasn't far off. I wasn't ready for him to come but in that moment, listening to the sirens of the ambulance, I accepted that this was happening. We arrived at the hospital and they wheeled me into labor and delivery. I felt a bit silly as I vocalized through my contractions. I looked up at the EMT and told him baby was not going to wait any longer. He just said “They’ll check you when we get you upstairs and see if you can have an epidural.” I don’t think he understood what I was saying. I felt movement low in my body- very low. I knew his feet were presenting. An animalistic roar escaped my mouth, and everyone looked at me. Suddenly I’m being yelled at to stop pushing. I didn't know I was pushing! It was completely involuntary and uncontrollable. The room turned to chaos again as a few nurses grabbed my bed and rushed me down the hall to the operating room. I went into myself, humming and ahhhhing through the waves, trying to close out the chaos around me. The doctor was harsh and short with me, telling me to be quiet and listen to him. He was trying to explain what they were doing- but I didn't care. I didn’t care what he had to say. I knew I was having a c-section. I knew it was happening now. I knew I would not get to hold my baby immediately, and I knew that the best thing I could do for Chase was stay in my little bubble of peace and hummm and ahhh through it. So I tuned him out.  He was also yelling at the anesthesiologist to hurry up, as a nurse prepped my abdomen for surgery. The last thing I remember once I felt the medicine in my vein, was telling Chase not to be scared, and that we could do this- together. And we did.

If I could remove the moments of panic, I would say my birth experience was wonderful. The pain did not rear its ugly head until the fear and panic did. It was confirmation to me that birth absolutely can be everything I thought it could be. Contractions don’t have to be immensely painful. Labor doesn’t have to be miserable. There does not need to be chaos and panic. When those things don’t happen, and I was able to just fold into myself and let things happen, it was nothing short of amazing. In fact, those final moments, right before I went under the anesthesia, when I had accepted everything going on, I can honestly say it was a powerful and spiritual experience. I believe birth is beautiful. I believe that even though circumstances prevented it this time, Jon and I absolutely will experience a wonderful home birth next time around. And the time after that. And the time after that. I know enough to feel confident in saying that though I didn’t have the experience I was preparing and hoping for- I know that I can someday.

Chase’s birth wasn’t normal. That’s OK! That’s why we are so thankful that medicine and doctors exist- so we can call upon them when it’s necessary! I have no regrets on ANY decisions Jon and I made as a couple for this pregnancy and birth. Words cannot express how thankful I am we found Sherri, nor the value of the comfort and peace of mind she brought to me through my pregnancy and as she supported me every step of the way at the hospital. What an incredible woman. I am a better person just for knowing her. I can only hope she is available my next pregnancy so we can totally ROCK a VBAC at home. I can so do this whole birth thing, don’t let my gnarly c-section scar fool you.

Chase has a long road ahead before he’s strong enough to come home with us. Jon and I have been absolutely overwhelmed by the amount of love, support, and kindness that have come pouring in the last couple of days. PLEASE know that while it’s been difficult to individually return every message, they do not go unread, they do not go ignored. Your thoughts and prayers are so very appreciated- and keep them coming, they are working!! I’m a believer in positive energy and creating your own reality starting with thoughts, and I have no doubt that we can thank all of you out there rooting for us for Chase’s progress so far.