The reality that this is just not going to be smooth-sailing pregnancy that results in a full-term VBAC has sunk in. After more ultrasounds and cervical checks (did I mention yet that those are my FAVORITE and totally not mortifying at all?! *sarcasm*)After a follow up with the Maternal Fetal Specialists I had lost nearly all of my cervical length and was scheduled for a cerclage the next day, by which time I had even dilated. The procedure didn't go as smoothly as we had hoped but they were satisfied with the end result. And now we wait.
That was three weeks ago today. I am now 24 weeks, 2 days. That means I've passed that magical date of viability where Max would stand a fighting chance outside the womb with a lot of medical intervention, should it happen. Each day is important, and the statistics do move rapidly at this point. I'm just thankful he's staying put for now.
I think what I have the hardest time with is having to decide every day which of my sons I will take care of: Chase, who just wants mama to come play outside, and walk to the park, and go swimming, and do all the cool fun stuff that Summertime and toddlerhood call for.... or Max, who needs me to be still, to be patient, to be quiet. I struggle each day to bring myself to be social but the truth is, my mind is so busy with all the things that need to get done still before Max arrives I find myself most at ease when I simply recluse. Keep to myself. It's how I cope and how I process, and in general how I handle really crappy situations. The added pressure to socialize and try to pretend everything is OK stresses me out nearly as much as the situation itself. But it makes other people feel bad. And then I feel guilty. And then the issue is compounded with the issue of feeling guilty for not taking care of Chase, or trying to take care of Chase and as a result not taking care of Max. I feel as though I can't really win, and we impose on everyone else around us because I can't do everything for Chase and I like I normally would.
I'm feeling stuck between a rock and a hard place. I feel scared, every minute of every day. I kind of expected that when I realized this was not going to be the make-up-for-last-time pregnancy I was hoping for. What I didn't expect is so much anger. I feel angry.... almost every day. Angry that this is how things are. Angry that Jon is stretched SO very thin and it feels like my fault. Angry that we are imposing on other people so much. Angry that my house is SUCH a mess. Angry that my poor Chase is so lost with what's going on. Why can't mommy go to the park? In the midst of everything.... there's just this ball of anger I can't shake. I'm pissed. This isn't fair.
But I'm also thankful. People have helped us out a lot. My mom has watched Chase a couple of times, Jon's mom and sister made the whole trek from Vegas to help out for a few days, Jeannene actually brought us dinner on a night I was near tears at the thought of take out AGAIN. I'm thankful to even BE pregnant, when so many can not.
So. There it is. I'm scared, angry, and thankful all the time.
Talk about conflicted.
But one thing I know: He's worth it.
