Weeds- Gardening Applied to Life.

I was working out in the garden today while Chase snoozed. His sleep has been so thrown off lately due to some obnoxious neighborhood issues, so I let him cat nap any time he can.
I've enjoyed gardening more than I thought I would to be honest. I have liked watching my little plants grow and blossom. I weed my boxes as often as I can- some weeks that's daily and it only takes a few moments a day and sometimes I just don't get the time and I can spend a solid hour catching up. Luckily the latter hasn't happened many times. But even when it has I enjoy the time out to just think as I thread through the boxes digging in the Earth, pulling what's not wanted to leave more room and nutrients in the soil for what is.
I am amazed at how many parallels and life lessons there are in something as simple as a novice vegetable garden as I find time to just reflect on whatever is on my mind at the time.
I recall a long time ago sitting on the edge of the hill with my grandmother as I picked peas and devoured their contents. Grandma was pulling weeds. I remember asking why they had to be pulled because I thought they were pretty. I had a particular fondness for the morning glories as I liked to stick my nose in them and inhale making the little white flowers cling to my face. I remember her telling me that she had to pick the weeds so there was room for the peas. I didn't get it. Here before me was a garden of clearly thriving plants- AND a few weeds. Pretty weeds. Obviously they could coexist. Silly Grandma.
As I moved about my boxes, reaching in the soil and pulling out weeds- some of which were quite pretty- I came across a small pea plant. This plant bore no blossoms or pods like the others, and it was being swallowed by some ugly grass looking weed. The base of it was dry, and the leaves a bit wilted. The weeds had robbed the soil- the foundation- and prevented this little pea plant from thriving. As my fingers followed the roots beneath the ground, I tugged and pulled trying not to damage the pea plant any further in my attempts to clear the ground. The roots intertwined and criss crossed and I was unable to pull the weeds out without completely removing the tiny plant with them. So there I was, pea plant in hand as I cursed the weeds for taking over. But it wasn't really the weed's fault, it was mine. I didn't foster a healthy environment for my little plant. I allowed the weeds one by one to take root and grow bigger and stronger until they overpowered it, greedily sucking the minerals from the soil leaving my plant to wilt and suffer.
As I reflected on that lesson my grandmother taught me long ago I realized how very true it is. A healthy garden with a few weeds can flourish- if you pick the weeds. However, if you neglect those weeds, they will take over at the expense of all things desirable in the garden.
I applied this principle to so many facets- both religious and secular- of my life as I knelt in the garden. How simple a concept.
I have many weeds in my life. Some I have more control than others over. Some are challenges that prevent me from doing things I know I should.

My social anxiety makes it difficult to attend church meetings the way I should.
My pride makes it difficult to admit when I am wrong.
My selfishness gets in the way of being the kind of wife I want to be.
My impatience is a challenge as I strive to be a good mother.
My insecurity and thirst for acceptance makes it difficult to walk away from people who only bring negativity to my life.

Indeed I am a person of many flaws- as we all are. However, I'm also a person of many strengths.
I have a good sense of humor and can make those around me laugh without much effort.
I'm compassionate and giving.
I have good common sense and reasoning.
I'm forgiving.
I'm honest, and a person of my word.

As I cleared the ground of weeds- strengthened the foundation of my garden- I thought of things I ought to do to weed out my own life. I placed that little plant back in the ground, gave it some water- unsure of if it even had a chance as I came back inside to clean myself up. Several hours later, when I went to get the mail, I checked in on my little plant and though it may be in my head, it's looking greener and healthier already.
It's my goal to clear my life, mind, and heart of the many weeds that take root... to pull them from my mind like a weed from the earth, and leave time, space, and energy to foster a firm foundation for the more desirable traits of my personality and self to flourish. 

Peas Please!

Ah, Summertime. It's here once again. This Summer is so much different than every other in my life for several reasons. For one, it's our first Summer as parents. Jon and I have enjoyed several Summers just the two of us but now we are blessed with sweet little Chase. We get to make plans that include him, so even though we plan to do much of the same things we always have- none of them will be the same anymore, and that's a good thing. We couldn't be happier. There's also the fast that it's the first Summer that we will navigate without Albert. My heart still aches over his absence every day. I won't carry on about that. It would be easy for this to become "The fifty billion reasons I need my Grandpa back" blog. 

One of the things I looked forward to this year is the fact we have a garden now. When we decided not to sell our house, we also put in a few garden boxes because I refused to not have one if I'm committing to stay here for at least 5 more years.
So, my awesome husband went to work and built six raised beds.
And yes, that's a marching band in that picture. I will tell you all about the marching band later. 

We are both new to gardening. I mean- mostly. I remember picking peas and raspberries at my grandparent's every Summer since the beginning of forever, but as far as the know-how and work of actually making a garden a success, no. That's new to me. I always got to skip that and get straight to the good part- the food!
We started everything from seeds, and for a while I didn't know if they were going to take. Jon and I would get excited every time we'd see green pop up, and then we'd watch for a week only to discover it was indeed just a weed. Just when I was pretty sure our attempts were not enough, all of a sudden everything just... flourished. It got too hot too fast for our cauliflower, which I figured was going to be the case but it didn't hurt to try anyway. Everything else though- peas, beans, peppers, cucumber, tomato, lettuce, strawberries... they're all doing well. Our peas are getting their very first pods this week and I am so excited. 

There's a lot of things we will do a little differently next year, but I'm pretty proud at our first go at gardening. I hope we can get the rest of our yard fixed up in a timely manner so we can enjoy it for the Summertime but at least our garden is doing well. I can't wait for everything to mature and be ready for picking so we can enjoy and share the fruits of our labor! 

I'm also excited to be able to teach Chase hands-on about where some of our food comes from. Being able to provide clean, organic produce straight from our ground is an added bonus too. 

I didn't get raspberries in this year but I have a spot all primed and ready for them next year. I know they are fragile plants but hopefully they will take. 

I also didn't get my herb garden going this year. We are doing it gutter-style along the front of the massive shed Jon built. I think it will make that less of an eyesore, by providing a wall of yummy green goodness. Not that Jon's shed isn't great- it's just a shed. I'd rather look at a wall of living green herbs than a giant white box.

Means + Priorities = Lifestyle

I've been thinking a lot lately about the things that matter to me- and the things that don't. It's so easy to get caught up in unimportant things telling myself there will be time for the things that matter later. Suddenly days become weeks, weeks become months, and months become years. I always heard my Grandpa say to never put off for tomorrow what can be done today, and to not sweat the things that don't really matter. I've been reflecting on this a lot lately.
I firmly believe that lifestyle is a choice. We choose the things that are important to us, we use our means to make them happen, and we are always making decisions even when we are unaware of it. Like right now, I'm choosing to spend this time blogging. I could be doing other things. I could be mopping the floors. But I'm not. Later I might say "I didn't have time to get to the floors today." But the reality is "I chose to do other things with my time today and the floors didn't get done." Time, money, and resources are all spent with our choices.
I am making an honest effort to live my life in a way that truly reflects my priorities. I am taking a proactive approach rather than saying the things I want and complaining I don't have them.


It is important to me to live by my family.
It is important to me to own our home.
It is important to me to feed my family wholesome, fresh organic foods.
It is important to me to have pets a part of our lives.
It is important to me to maintain our yearly family boating trip.
It is important to me to be a present mom to Chase.
It is important to me to be a present wife to Jon.
It is important to me to be a stay-at-home-Mom.
It is important to me to take care of our Earth and make choices that aren't damaging to her as best I can.
It is important to me to be as self-sufficient as possible.

Other things matter too don't get me wrong. I love it when our budget allows a cruise or trip to San Diego- but never at the expense of the family trips that mean so much more to me. We would LOVE to live on acreage someday but won't consider any place that takes us too far away from family. I cherish my friendships, but not in a way that I'd allow them to take me away from Chase or Jon. We could absolutely use more income to buy fun things and take fun vacations- but not at the expense of me staying home to raise Chase.
I challenge you to reflect on if your own priorities are reflected in your choices. Can you REALLY not afford xyz, or is it that abc is more important? Do you REALLY not have time for xyz, or is it that abc is a higher priority? If you're not happy with something in your life- change it. Everyone's priorities are different and that's OK. In fact, that's necessary and beautiful. We are all individuals.

May 2014

May 2014 was one of the longest, most emotionally draining months of my life. Losing Grandpa Albert has created this void that some days seems entirely consuming. They say time heals- but I'm still stuck in the part where it's getting harder before getting better. The grieving process is different for everyone, but despite knowing without the shadow of a doubt that I will one day see him again, I find myself feeling lost more often than not. I guess I didn't even realize all the things I relied on him for and each day seems to bring more questions I need answered, and my go-to person is gone. This empty darkness easily pulls me in and makes it hard to remember that even though Albert is gone, we still have so much to be thankful for. This loss has brought my family even closer together. It's hard to imagine that's even possible. We still have family. And I'm thankful in this family- we have eternity.
Though the month brought much heartache and even more tears, we have had more than our share of good moments as well. Shelly was able to come visit for three weeks, which has never happened before! Three whole weeks. Jackson and Hailey both celebrated birthdays during this time that we made a point of making special. It was really nice to have everyone together. It felt right. Even though each day has brought our moments of sadness where the reality of our loss hits us all over again, we've gone through this together. Truly together. We've cried until we've had no more tears to cry, but we've also laughed until our sides and cheeks ached. And some of us may have peed our pants, just a little. And honestly, the good moments have been some of the best we've had in a long time.
We played laser tag as a family on Jackson's (& Albert's)  birthday. It was so much fun. I had never played before and I am indeed AWFUL but who cares. We even got Mom to play. Honestly it was the first time in two week's time I think any one of us had laughed and felt at least somewhat carefree. Life throws moments at you every now and then that you'll remember and charish forever. They may not even seen special or extravagant at the time, but they are. This is one of mine.
I am beyond happy that my kids are born into this family. Just Chase for now, but I know he won't be our only. I believe it takes a village so to speak to raise a baby and it's so true. He is surrounded by grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins that love him, and he will grow to love them too because that's just the kind of family we have. Even those who don't live nearby- Chuck, Michelle, Trish, Grandma and Grandpa Lanman... we are just so lucky to have the family we do. So much love.
Cousins are special. They are like special friends that come built-in to whatever life you have. I've got great memories of looking forward to summertime when we'd come to Utah and stay with Grandma and Grandpa and play with cousins every day. That was so much fun. Chase won't have to wait until Summertime! I have loved so much watching all the kids play and interact. Sometimes more harmoniously than others as they figured out their dynamics with those Texas cousins thrown in the mix. (Really, they need to be here more often. My life especially needs more Lexi in it. Seriously. Are you reading this Shelly? Move to Utah. Pronto.)
We also finally made it to the zoo. I've lived here since 2009 (save for a few months in Vegas that I'd like to just forget ever happened!) and still hadn't made it. We all went- all the siblings and kids, and of course Grandma Sharlyn. Growing up with the world famous San Diego Zoo being our most local zoo, and this being my first time at any other it was just a tad dinky in comparison but still a good time. The kids especially had a fun time. Chase didn't care much about anything I tried to show him but I didn't expect anything else with him so little. I do hope he gains a love and appreciation for the world's animals like I have. At the very least, I will teach him to respect all living things.
At a time when the monster of sadness lurks in every shadow ready to pounce at any given moment and fill my hear with an empty sorrow, I'm especially thankful for these good moments. It's so easy to get lost in... well, loss... and I'm trying to remind myself just how much we have to not only be thankful for... but to be excited about. I get to caught up in the fact that my kids won't have Grandpa Albert memories. How then can they even have a good childhood?! But... their childhood is not mine, and they have something different and equally amazing. They have Grandma Sharlyn! (on my side of the family. Several amazing Grandmas on Jon's side as well!) They will have cousins that live close by to play with. Chase will have his own buddy in Dean.
Life is different now. SO many things will never be the same. Boating. Father's Day. Sunday dinner. Renovation projects. Gardening. Memorial Day. The entire month of May. Tacos. Gravy. They're all different now. But that's OK. At least, it's going to be OK. Because family is eternal, and life is beautiful. And sometimes things happen that we don't understand. I don't understand WHY Grandpa had to leave us. I don't understand it, I don't like it, and I'm sure as hell not happy about it. But I am confident that we will find a new normal, continue making new memories, and in the end we're all still together.

Gone but NEVER Forgotten

Sometimes I still feel myself slip into denial that this is real- that this is happening. That it has happened. I convince myself he's still coming home, that it isn't over. He's invincible, always has been. He's the most incredible man I've ever known- surely the Lord knows how much I need him- how much we all do. He's the rock of our family. He's so much more than just Grandpa. He filled the father figure role my entire childhood. We have plans when he comes home from vacation. Camping. Boating. Projects that require his wisdom and help. He can't just be.... gone.

My Grandpa Albert passed away while on vacation in Belgium. Tonight is the viewing- where friends and family will gather to view his body one last time before we lay him to rest tomorrow after the funeral. I wish it weren't so, but Grandpa Albert has passed away, and slowly I am accepting it. There are good moments- moments of clarity where I am able to hang onto the eternal perspective and know it's not the end and death is simply a part of life that we all must do someday... but I still have my not-so-shining moments. Moments of disbelief, denial, and downright anger. I don't know HOW to live without Albert because he is a part of literally every aspect of my life. His death is the tug on the string that unravels everything.

I believe with all my hear that families can be together forever. That's really what has gotten me through this. I was incredibly close to my grandfather- we have so many memories. When most people think "grandparents" it's someone on your Christmas card list, or perhaps someone you'd see a handful of times a year- a birthday phone call. My grandparents are so much more than that to me. I'm talking the entirety of every Summer my whole life spent at their house. Usually Spring, too! Boating every single year. Trips to the Grand Canyon. Though there were 700 miles between our homes we still spent so much time together. After I moved to Utah I lived with them for a year before getting married. He was so patient with me as I picked up the pieces of my past life and moved in a more positive direction. There's not a doubt in my mind that had it not been for Albert I would have never made it to the Temple with my own eternal companion. We have dinner together every single Sunday and generally there are visits during the week. My whole life I've been able to depend on him. He's guided me in business, in financial planning, in my marriage, in everything. My own father made the conscious decision to not be a part of my life and my Grandpa stepped right up and filled that role better than anyone ever could. I don't know why my dad did what he did but I am thankful for the relationship it fostered with Grandpa.

I find peace in the fact Grandpa passed quickly and peacefully. None of us wanted to see him suffer in any way, and none of us wanted to see him go downhill as so many do in their senior years. No, he went out with his dignity. He was Albert til the end. I am nervous for his funeral tomorrow. It will just be one more thing that makes this nightmare real. But at the same time, I am anxious to get it behind us so I can move forward. That's what Grandpa would want- he was always progressing, never idle.

I believe that the Lord had a special mission and needed a most special person to do it. He is so important to my family, I believe that if there wasn't something even MORE important waiting for him on the other side surely he wouldn't have been taken from us. I am so thankful for the guiding light he has been in my life. I can't even begin to tell you the lessons he taught me. When I say he filled the father figure role in my life that doesn't even do it justice. He was grandpa, dad, best friend, voice of reason, role model.... he was everything. I believe with all my heart I will see him again. I know that without a doubt. I will even more so cherish every moment with my sweet Grandma from here on forward.  I'm thankful for my little boy who bares Albert's name. What an honor that is. I'm thankful for the memories I have with him and the blessings his influence has brought to my life. I can't help but smile when I think of all the wonderful times we had. He truly is an incredible man.

I will always miss you, Grandpa. Every day. Until we meet again. 

Sunshine and Poop

The weather is seriously playing games with me lately. It can't decide if it wants to be pleasantly warm, blisteringly hot, raining, and even snowing. All of these within the last week. I'm a big fan of Spring and Fall, both of which seem to pass very quickly smooshed between painfully long Summers and Winters. If you blink you might miss it. 

I am excitedly anticipating Summertime for a few reasons this year. My family is most active in the Summer. We BBQ. We boat. We camp. We go to the pool. I can't wait to watch Chase learn and experience all of these things. There's something so incredible about watching a little one discover the world. I am amazed by the wonder in his eyes over the very most simple things. If you ever need to rediscover the beauty of life and the world, just have a baby. 

BUT. I'm also excited to get to use my clothesline regularly. Partly because it saves money, and partly because there's something really calming about a line full of fresh, clean laundry. (Though... I could do without the stiff crinkly part.) Also, the sunshine is amazing at removing tough stains. All of Chase's cloth diapers were starting to look pretty gross. Between being exclusively breastfed, wearing all natural fibers, and a few rounds of medications we had some seriously ugly staining going on. I don't like to use bleach on them because I want them to last for multiple babies so I try to keep my laundry routine as simple as possible to not degrade the materials. I finally had laundry day fall on a somewhat sunny afternoon. Though not as effective as direct sunlight, I was really happy with just how much the sun did in indirect light for only a couple hours. I can't wait to see what a whole afternoon of direct rays can do. I can't believe he's outgrowing these diapers and moving up already, and I want to get them nice and stain-free before packing them away for the next baby. 

So, the moral of this post is that if you have a clothesline, use it. If you have a yard and no clothesline, get one. Sometimes I think I was born in the wrong generation. I actually quite ENJOY laundry and hanging my clothes out to dry. I like to sit on the porch swing and watch the sun do its magic. I love being outside. 

Unfortunately, it's supposed to rain most of this week. I enjoy a good rainstorm. A downpour with thunder and lightening makes me pretty happy. But this raining just enough to keep my yard a constant mud pit which makes dog ownership totally miserable. Not so much. No, thank you. 

If you need me this Summer, I will be on the swing outside, watching laundry dry. Probably with lemonade. 

Six Months in Pictures

So much has happened in the last six months. I can not believe our baby is half a year old. Time has flown by so fast, and yet on the other hand I hardly remember life before Chase. What a rollercoaster his life has been so far. 

Just days before his unexpected arrival, I thought I has 11 weeks of puking left to do. I had *finally* started showing and was excited to sport the belly.

But on October 7th, we welcomed the tiniest little person I ever did see. And though he was tiny, he was perfect. We named him Chase Albert and knew he'd be OK, but had NO IDEA what the road ahead of us held. 

The first few days were mostly a blur as we struggled to learn the medical terminology that now flooded our lives. So many prayers and well-wishes came our way. 

Nearly a week after we welcomed our little miracle, I got to hold him in my arms for the first time. I can't put into words how I was changed that day-but it was incredible. 

For two months, we watched him take steps forward and backwards. He had a bowel infection, a blood infection, a spinal meningitis scare, several blood transfusions, digestive problems, acid reflux, more apnea and bradycardia than I can count- several oxygen desats, and despite ALL of this, he has thrived. 

I had a new relationship in my life- with a breast pump. Every two hours, around the clock, for two months. I was determined for him to get the breastmilk his fragile body so desperately needed and I clung to the LAST detail of my postpartum experience that had not been thrown away. I got quite the freezer stash going- most of which has since been donated to mothers of adopted babies. 

On December 4th, 8.5 weeks after his birth, my little Buddy came home. It is, to date, the single best day of my entire life. Walking out of those hospital doors- WITH my baby- knowing we did not need to come back in a few hours for the very first time was such a relief. Sure, he had monitors and oxygen still, he was finally ours, finally with us. Finally ours, all 5lbs 1oz of him. 

We were so blessed to have Chase home for his first Christmas. It was a beautiful day spent with family. 

Surrounded by family, Jon and I have learned how to fill our new role as parents to the best of our abilities. Sometimes we do better than others. One month after his homecoming, Chase finally passed his second oxygen study and we were able to go wire and tube-free! No more monitors, leads, oxygen tanks and tubes!

Around the same time, he also *finally* learned to breast feed and we were able to kick the pump to the curb! It took a lot of work, a ton of tears, and a bunch of patience but we did it! 

In March, Chase took his first trip to Las Vegas to visit Jon's family! We hit bad weather driving and ended up spending the night in Saint George for a night. We learned the joy that is road tripping with a baby, and how it extends the travel time.... by a lot. 

March also brought with it a case of RSV. We spent three weeks back and forth between the doctor's office, suction clinic, and home... constantly wondering if we were making the right choices. We held him while he coughed, soothed him as he cried. It broke my heart to see him so sick. Breathing treatments every 4 hours, medications, and Essential Oils seems to make little difference most days. He spent most of those three weeks teetering between needing to be hospitalized and being OK to watch from home. My weight plummeted as I could not sleep in fear that he would stop breathing. Luckily after three long weeks of sickness, he got better. 

When he was healthy again, we went on our first stay-cation as a family of three. Along with my sister's family and mom we spent the day poolside at a hotel in Midway. Chase enjoyed the water so much!

He continues to get stronger, and healthier. He is such an important part of our family. He fits right in! He loves his cousins, and we spend a ton of time at Grandma Sharlyn's house. He is fascinated by our dogs and Annie and Mousse have taken a particular liking to our new little Buddy. 

Most recently, he celebrated his first Easter! We're glad the Easter Bunny found his way to Grandma's house- where we stayed the night. 

I can't believe 6 months has come and gone. He's come so far, our family has grown so much. I can't wait to see what the next 6 months hold... but if they could go by a bit slower, that'd be OK with me