Why I Care (But Still Don't Want Your Opinion)

Since my last post, pretty much telling everyone to can it on telling me how opposed they are to our plans, I've had a few conversations that really have made me think. I went back and re read everything I said, and took some feedback into consideration and I feel the need to clarify just a few things. Don't mistake this for an apology. It's not. I don't regret anything I've said, nor do I take a word of it back. I am sorry if I've offended anyone, but I still stand by my words.
I know that when I put information out there, people will bite. Of course, that's human nature. I have an opinion on everything under the sun.... and if I don't, I sure can come up with one real quick. So why had this been bothering me so much? I make a lot of unconventional decisions that a lot of people don't agree with, and rarely does it actually bother me. I tend to be fairly headstrong and confident in my decisions.
I tend to assume when people are defensive that they are insecure in their position... perhaps questioning the validity of their own thoughts and actions, having doubts, or are otherwise unsure of the points they are defending. I had to look within myself. Was that the case? Was I having doubts about the safety of home birth? Was I really sure of my body's abilities? Was I absolutely positive this is the best path for our family right now? Or was I just trying to tell myself I was? Why did I feel so defensive and so easily offended over the issue? I tend to say what I mean, mean what I say, and make decisions after carefully researching and drawing the most educated conclusion I can with the information available to me. Because of that, when people disagree I usually don't give a darn. Why did I now? Why when people around me make comments that make it clear they think this is dangerous or reckless did I take it so deeply personally?
I really had to ask myself these things, to understand my own out-of-character emotions about the issue.I mean, some of the well-intended things people have said, genuinely trying to help and give guidance have resonated so bitterly with me... and I don't like feeling that way.
Then I realized it, while writing in my journal. WHY this is bothering me. It's not what people are saying. It's not that not everyone agrees. (really, no one but Jon and I need to be on the same page anyway) It's WHO. It's the women whom I look up to in this roll that I am preparing mentally, physically, and emotionally to embark on. This journey to motherhood where I aspire to be like the wonderful women around me. Aunts, cousins, sisters, grandmothers, MY mother... these are the women I watch, in awe of how amazing they are.
I don't tell them enough. I don't tell them at all, really... but ALL of them embody the kind of mother I hope to be in one way or another. My grandmother is the most selfless, giving, POSITIVE person I've ever met in my entire life. The entire world could be in shambles around her and she'd still be able to give you 100 reasons why life is wonderful. My mother is the hardest working, most resilient person I've ever met. She would do anything for her family, and never at any point in my entire life have I been left questioning that. I'm amazed at how she can pull out of anything it seems. My sisters (all three of them) are incredible mothers, who somehow manage their jobs, husbands, kids, and everything else. Shelly is pretty much a gourmet chef (seriously, I'm over here serving grilled cheese and she manages a full dinner AND dessert, WITH a toddler and a baby?! Please, no one let Jon know this is possible!) and Tanya has more patience and love than any single human being on the planet. She even loves OTHER people's kids. Like.... neighbor kids. I pretend I don't hear mine when they run up asking if we have puppies to play with. They probably think I'm deaf. Or just really mean. Or both. I look at the family and kind of kids my Aunt (and Uncle!) raised and I just think wow... they seriously did a thing or two right, all while staying true to their Faith and managing to be phenomenal examples to everyone around them. Truly inspiring.
You get the point. These are women I look up to, WAY more than ANY of them will ever know. They embody what I hope to be. For a long time I didn't even plan to have kids because I'm so terrified I will just screw everything up and be a terrible mother. I fear I will never be able to live up the the examples I've been blessed to have.
So when I feel so strongly pulled in one direction (home birth) with so much passion and certainty, and am met with so much fear, doubt, and opposition from the very people whose examples and opinions on all things motherhood I treasure the most, it leaves me feeling so conflicted. Do I go with what my heart tells me is right for me, or with what was right for those I aspire to be like?
That's what this week has been all about for me. After a lot of thought, and a lot of prayer, I got my answer today. I had an appointment with the midwife we've decided to go with. I felt really good about her before I ever went to my OB. After talking with several local, and reading through all their websites, I just felt so drawn to this one but I hadn't actually MET her. We did today. All week, and again before my appointment I have searched within myself, and prayed to my Heavenly Father that I might know what track I need to be on, that I might be able to set aside my own selfish wants, and sort through the opinions of others, and know what is truly and unbiasly (we're going to pretend for a moment that unbiasly is a word) right for us. Willing to accept any answer that brought peace, I've sought these answers. As Jon and I left our appointment, I felt so overwhelmingly at peace with this decision. I mean, a feeling of complete ease for the first time this entire pregnancy that everything is going to be OK, that we are where we need to be, doing what we need to do, and in good hands. I have no doubts. Jon doesn't either.
I won't be offering up that we are planning a home birth in conversation because really... the only people that need to be on board (Jon and I) are, and I respect where everyone is coming from. I generally try to avoid pregnancy/ baby conversation unless I'm asked anyway, because talking about myself just feels weird, and I know no one cares to hear about it all the time.
So, while  quite frankly you can still take your opposition and shove it... it's not because I think I know better than you, it's because I DO care what you think, just not enough for it to change my very much so made up mind.

Why I DON'T want your opinion. Like, at all.

I'm a reasonably healthy 23 year old woman, on no medications with no diseases. I am a healthy body weight with a BMI of 23.1. For the last year, we have eaten a very healthy diet, mostly whole organic foods, I don't drink alcohol and I don't smoke. It takes a whole lot to get me to take pain killers or any medication for anything and I take care of my body. I'm 18 weeks, 1 day pregnant.
Jon and I have talked about having a baby since we got married pretty much. February 2010 was when we officially started trying. It was a long road, but looking back, I wouldn't change it. We used those three years. We grew closer together, we became more stable in every way, and just as importantly: we learned. The night we decided to start TTC, I posted a status on Facebook. It was a VERY true statement. "I think childbirth might be the most terrifying thing in the world." If you had asked me my ideal birth experience then, I'd have said "Knock me out, do a c section, and wake me when it's over!" The mere idea... the whole concept of childbirth to me was traumatizing. What I didn't know, is I had a doula on my friends list (I had never even heard the word doula) who had to swoop in and comment. I don't even remember WHAT she said, but it got me thinking.
More importantly: it got me reading. It got me LEARNING. 
I found myself so incredibly intrigued by everything. People had babies at home?! Who in their right minds would do THAT?! People actually WANT to do it naturally?! WHY would anyone want to feel the pain when you don't HAVE to?  I had to learn more, I had to know why people would possibly make these crazy decisions that to me made absolutely no sense.
The more I learned, I mean REALLY learned...the less crazy they seemed. In fact, it made a whole lot of sense. What seemed crazy was taking a perfectly healthy pregnancy into a hospital and subjecting what should be a perfectly normal birth to a cascade of risky interventions.
What didn't make sense was spending 9 months avoiding medications, toxins, unhealthy foods, etc. for fear of how they may effect our unborn babies, but come labor, throwing that out the window for seriously heavy drugs like pitocin and epidurals and not even questioning the lengthy list of risks and side effects and complications that come along with them because after all, they're mainstream, common, routine even.
What I couldn't wrap my head around is trusting our bodies to go through this process of pregnancy, to grow our babies strong and healthy, and then throwing that out the window come labor and giving up all trust in the divine design of our bodies as women, and placing more trust in doctors than God, and more trust in medicine and drugs than our own bodies.
What seemed totally nuts is buying into the idea that this perfectly normal process needed any intervention from man in the first place.
Birth in our country is so screwed up. We subject ourselves to interventions that are so routine we don't even question them anymore. Women are given pitocin, and given a box they must fit into. "you must make X amount of progress in X amount of time or else [insert intervention here.]" and the chain reaction begins. Intervention A leads to intervention B which leads to fetal distress (or failure to progress... or a whole list of other "emergencies") which more often than not leads to an "emergency" C-section. Then we sing the praises of the OB a medical staff for saving the day and we're SO glad they were there....when really, all they did was fix a problem created by the medical intervention in the first place.
I don't buy it. The God *I* believe in did not send us here, command us to multiply and replenish and NOT give us the ability to do so. The c-section rate in this country is roughly 33-35%. I refuse to believe that over 1/3 of women are unable to birth their babies without intervention. I refuse to believe that our bodies aren't able to do what our creator himself DESIGNED us to do. I refuse to trust medicine and doctors more than I do my very purpose on this earth.
I trust birth. I trust that my body know how to do this. I trust that when left alone, birth is natural, beautiful, and safe. I DO care about more than just the end result. Getting Chase here safely is of course my top priority but damnit, I matter too. I care about my experience, and because of that I choose to use a care provider that believes in the beauty and safety of birth, that cares about my experience, and that believes not only in my ability to birth my baby, but agrees with my desire to experience it and is willing to work with me towards that goal.
I am SO SICK of hearing that this isn't the right pregnancy for a home birth, or that midwives are "for people who just slip the baby right out and I should focus on getting the baby here safely."(seriously. and I didn't even mention home birth. Just the "M" word when asked what OB I was using)  I assure you, ALL OF YOU, that I am making every single decision with ONE thing in mind: what's best for my baby, for myself, and for our family. I appreciate the concern and the GOOD place that it comes from. Jon and I (and Chase!) are so beyond blessed to have so many people in our lives that care about us, we truly don't take that for granted. I love and respect you all, regardless of your choices. But I am done listening to it. I already allowed myself to be scared into a care provider I have not been comfortable with up until this point, and I'm angry at myself for it. After the bleeding scare (Which is completely fine now, and not a concern for any reason. In fact the bleeding WAS the result of a problem (placenta previa) correcting itself! Amazing! My body knew just what to do with that misplaced placenta, imagine that!) I was feeling so much judgement from everyone around me that obviously things weren't right, and I should use an OB for the safety of baby Chase. And when my iron got low, I was feeling it again... things aren't gong perfect, better stick to that OB.
But you know what my gut tells me? What my brain tells me? These things are common in pregnancy. And guess what? No more bleeding, and just a week on iron supplements I feel a huge difference! Yes, I look tired because I AM tired. There's a lot going on right now! And yes, I have some things in my personal medical history that means I need to pay special attention to a good supplement regimen and nutritious foods, but guess what else? I'm doing that, and I'm feeling good! These are hiccups, not complications. I'm healthy! Chase is healthy! I'm so tired of being made feel like I need to be afraid of this process. All I can do is the best I know how, and trust that the rest will work itself out.

So you know what? THANK YOU to the snarky, judgmental, rude idiot on the phone at Valley OBGYN today, for reminding me EXACTLY why I didn't want OB care to begin with, and giving me the push I very much needed to stand up for what I know is right for my little family, and firing my OB and getting back to a care provider that suits my needs.

I'm not judging women who choose OB care, or to deliver in a hospital, or make ANY choices differently than me. I can see how it would come across that way, as I have some strong opinions. But, these opinions don't apply to you! I only know what is right for me, and what makes sense for me. I'm so glad that I live in a place that I DO have the choices I have. I'm glad women who feel more confident and comfortable in a hospital have that choice and are able to do so! If that's where they feel safest, that's exactly where they should be. If someone feels a birthing center is what they need or want, that's wonderful for them, I'm glad they're becoming more available for women.
As for me, Jon, and our baby? We choose home birth. Please respect our decision. I won't mention it in conversation if you don't.... but really, don't feel obligated to tell me how much you disagree with it. As much as I love and respect you, I really don't want your opinion. Like, at all.

18 Weeks

The last two weeks have been a little bit rough. I've struggled with keeping food down, and actually ended up fainting at the grocery store, thank goodness Jon was there. The last week has been so much better than the one before, I'm able to keep food down more regularly, I upped my supplements, added Iron B complex, and folate, and have been making sure to get more salt in. I'm feeling *SO* much better. Since I'm not so nauseous all the time I'm also able to get a lot more whole, nutritious foods down (and staying down!) and I can tell a huge difference in how I feel. Staying hydrated has been much easier with the vomiting subsiding as well. I'm not saying things are perfect, I still get sick almost every day, but in comparison to what it was last week and the few before that, I'm feeling pretty darn good!
But one thing is for sure. Jon and I have put a TON of thought into our choices for prenatal care and labor/ delivery for this pregnancy. I know there are plenty who disagree with our choices, and that's FINE. I respect that. However, we still feel that even despite the bleeding scare we had at 13 weeks (bleeding completely stopped 100% 2.5 weeks ago, by the way) and my struggles with nausea making food a struggle for a while there... we ARE planning on continuing to plan a home birth, with a midwife.
I've gotten several comments on this from friends and family alike. I KNOW these are well-intended comments, I KNOW it's because everyone cares, and I am SO SO SO SO glad that Chase has so many people that love him and care about him already, what a lucky boy! But please understand that these ARE educated choices on our part. We ARE NOT just taking shots in the dark here and hoping for the best. For many, many reasons we still feel this is the best option, and have every intention of pursuing it. I respect the choices others have made for their own pregnancies and deliveries, and all I'm asking for is the same consideration. Please trust Jon and I as educated adults to make our own decisions.
I hope no one takes this personal. It's not directed at anyone in particular, I promise.


How far along? 18 weeks exactly

How big is baby? According to the babycenter tracker, he's about the size of a bell pepper this week.

Total weight gain/loss: -19. (139) I'm not losing nearly as rapidly as I was now. I had dipped down to -21, but actually in the last three days have GAINED almost 2 lbs, which is a really good thing!

Maternity clothes? Nope. I have one pair of 4's that don't have stretch to them, and they are mildly uncomfortable, but my other jeans have a bit of stretch and don't really feel any different.

Sleep: I've been having some lower back discomfort (going to the chiropractor!) that's had me tossing and tuning to get comfortable, BUT... still getting more sleep than usual, and though I do wake up to readjust a lot, I'm always able to fall back asleep. I'm super enjoying it and hope it lasts!

Best moment the last two weeks: Feeling the first little flutters of movement. Unreal <3

Movement: I'm not feeling regular movement, but I also have a low and front-lying placenta, so that may be a factor. I have felt movement for absolute certain a handful of times, and a handful more that I am not quite sure if it was him, or just tummy rumbles.

Food cravings: Not really having cravings, but food in general is going down easier most of the time. I'm kind of on a yogurt kick... and string cheese. Probably because they're reasonably healthy and super easy to grab, not really craving them.

Food Aversions: Anything leafy. It's a texture thing, rather than taste. 

Gender: Boy. <3

Pregnancy Symptoms: I feel a little "off" emotionally. Not really mood-swingy, and not depressed... just off. I don't have a whole lot to say and I feel really anti social for no reason. Just know that even though I'm a little distant, I AM OK! I promise. I'm finding that I really like to be alone, and left to my thoughts, I've been writing a ton. I know I'm clingy to Jon right now, and pretty much want him (but ONLY him) around every second it's possible... but I don't find other company as appealing. I LOVE my family SO much, I LOVE that we're close, I LOVE spending time with them, and I don't know why I'm so quiet and distant lately.
Other than that, I'm happy to say nausea is getting MUCH better. Mornings and nights are a little queasy and occasionally during the day, but food is going down (and staying down) so much better the last few days. It's GREAT.
I'm tired. But that's pretty normal. :-)

Belly Button in or out? In

What I miss: I miss having energy, and I miss being able to go out to dinner with my husband and not worry about getting sick at the restaurant. But it will be so worth it, and all those things will come back in time. What matters now, and what my focus is NOW, is baby Chase, and growing him strong and healthy.

What I am looking forward to: I can't wait for my belly to really "pop".... the bump is finally starting, though in clothes I don't think anyone can really tell yet, I can't wait for it to really be obvious. I figure if I'm going to be sick all the time I want the novelty belly to show for it!

Upcoming appointments/events: My next appointment is on the 23rd, for the full anatomy scan. I am very confident that we will be able to continue planning a home birth at that point. I feel (and Jon agrees) that it is the right choice for our family. For all three of us.

Milestones: So far: made it through first trimester, had first (and second) ultrasound, and discovered gender, and felt movement

Bump Picture: 

And the progression picture:

The Big Picture

Sometimes, I have to take a step back and remember that there's a big picture.... that all these little day to day scenarios that at the time usually FEEL like they are huge, really are just a piece of the puzzle.
Selling our house has proven to be a very aggravating experience. There's no one to blame for it, it simply is what it is. It's an old house, and just doesn't have some of the neat things that come with newer homes. We have a one car garage, and no master bathroom, small backyard.... and honestly, we have way more square footage than we know what to do with. This place is TOO big for us.
We were one week from closing today, when our second buyer decided to walk, despite our willingness to be flexible with her insane demands. (and yes, her demands were fairly insane. SO what does this mean for us? Well, our house is back on the market, we will have to pull our offer on the north Orem home we were just starting to get really excited about. The dogs aren't coming home at the end of the month, and we have to go back to scheduling our lives around showings.
I'll admit, I spent the morning in tears. It's frustrating to want something SO bad and work on making it happen for so long just to be disappointed time and time again.
The funny thing is... the part that upsets me the most isn't that we will lose the house we were buying. It's not that we will live here longer. Heck, being next door to Scera Pool for the rest of the Summer isn't such a bad thing. It's not that there are even more unknowns added to the plate. It's the showings. It's keeping the house picked up not being good enough... nothing short of spotless 100% of the time will cut it. It's having to leave at the drop of a hat because someone wants to see the house. That's what I'm disappointed in being back to more than anything.
But you know, it will sell eventually. This won't go on forever. This is just one piece of the puzzle, one chapter in the novel. Someday, Jon and I will be able to look back at that one time we went through Hell selling our first house and maybe at that point all the reasons this happened will make sense. I trust that there is a better opportunity around the corner, that maybe the house we were buying wasn't where we were supposed to raise our family, maybe there's a reason we don't understand right now that we need to stay put a bit longer.
I don't know. I can't make sense of it all and I am done trying to. But I'm also done crying and being upset. It is what it is and I'm working on leaving negativity behind and focusing on all the wonderful things in my life. I have an amazing husband, an incredible family, and our baby is doing well. And honestly... in the BIG picture, those are the things that matter. 

Pregnancy Confessions

I have a confession. Well, a few confessions.
Confession #1: I've been a little bit of a pregnancy/ birth junkie for about 3.5 years. Like... borderline obsessed, minus the borderline part. I swear most waking moments (when I didn't have litters of puppies on the ground....) were consumed with reading and learning about all these decisions Jon and I would make for our babies should we ever be lucky enough to have them. In my reading, and many conversations with Jon of which I'm not entirely sure which actually interested him and how much he just went along with to humor me, I learned a whole lot and I'm thankful for that knowledge. I may be a bit weird now. I regularly pull out all (insert embarrassingly high number here) cloth diapers I've acquired and look at them, folding and organizing. Gosh darn it my newborn stash is adorable. I also think placentas are fascinating and totally cool. (I WILL be encapsulating, by the way. Yeah. You can go google that now and be absolutely horrified. I think it's awesome.)
Confession #2: For being fairly educated on these matters, I actually don't know a dang thing. I honest to goodness thought that being a pretty health conscious person with a pretty healthy diet, I would sail smoothly through pregnancy. I was convinced that people generally brought the sickness and nausea on themselves by not taking care of their bodies and paying attention to nutrition and, surely, this process that is what the mere survival of our species depends on can't be THAT hard on an otherwise healthy woman. No, it must be in their heads and in their choices. If only they'd make healthier choices they wouldn't be so miserable. Oh how very ignorant I was.
Confession #3: As much as I was absolutely and completely convinced that I just HAD to be one of those women that loves being pregnant and would never, ever have a single negative thing to say about this magical process, I'm not. During my 3+ years of infertility I admit it would really irk me when I'd hear women complain about their miserable symptoms. I still think it's a little insensitive around those struggling with fertility issues, BUT, I've come to realize that my conception problems didn't make them any less miserable... I didn't understand how anyone could NOT enjoy being pregnant. Then I got pregnant. On one hand, it's wonderful and I do wake up every single day and immediately think of how many weeks and days along I am, counting down the weeks to my guess date, and read all about baby Chase's development. I've never been happier about anything than to be expecting, I want this more than anything in the world. BUT. This pregnancy has not been easy, and it has not been fun.
A part of me has felt too guilty to just be straight up honest. I mean, I wanted this, we tried for this, we prayed for this for SO long, how dare I speak negatively of it now that our dreams are coming true?!

16 weeks.

How far along? 16 weeks exactly

How big is baby? Well, according to BabyCenter: "Right now, he's about the size of an avocado: 4 1/2 inches long (head to rump) and 3 1/2 ounces. "

Total weight gain/loss: -18. (140) Though the weight loss has slowed down the last 5 days, and I haven't lost anything so I'm really hoping that I've turned a corner on that. Even though things don't always stay down, I'm finding my appetite is returning and that's really exciting.

Maternity clothes? All my normal clothes still fit just fine. I don't think I will be needing maternity clothes any time soon.

Sleep: Still enjoying the fact I'm sleeping pretty decent most nights. Also maintaining the most normal sleep schedule I've had in a really long time which is nice. I try not to eat myself up too bad that I'm still requiring nearly 10 hours of sleep a day to feel rested, but the urge to nap in the evening seems to slowly be wearing off.

Best moment the last two weeks: Three words: IT'S A BOY.

Movement: I THINK I maybe felt movement once, I'm not really sure though and it's still a little early. Nothing regularly at all.

Food cravings:  I am really liking fruit right now. Cherries especially, and plums. Also raw peas and of course cucumbers still. I'm back to eating eggs which is nice, they're good energy. Eggs and raw milk are absolute staples. Occasionally I get a bit of a sweet tooth, which isn't normally like me, and I have a little scoop of ice cream at night.

Food Aversions: Still fairly repulsed by anything leafy. It's more a texture thing than anything. (OK, mostly it's the way it clings all over in my mouth coming back up. YUCK) 

Gender: Boy. We're having a boy.

Pregnancy Symptoms: Still just nausea, which also seems to be aggravated by motion sickness. I avoid going anywhere in the car at all costs right now. Also, my boobs hurt. Kind of... a lot. I'm boycotting bras, officially.... I don't really care if the world is offended that I am female, and therefore have breasts fully equipped with nipples. Get. Over. It. Bras hurt!

Belly Button in or out? In

What I miss:Hmm, I miss being able to go out without getting super nervous I'll get sick in public. I honestly don't even care when I get sick at home, it's part of the deal... but throwing up in public is super embarrassing to me.

What I am looking forward to: Hopefully nausea subsiding, and getting a belly.

Upcoming appointments/events: I will go back to my OB on the 23rd, and hopefully be cleared to resume planning a home birth. I'm super hopeful.

Milestones: So far: made it through first trimester, had first (and second) ultrasound, and discovered gender.

Bump Picture: Coming soon. 

It's a BOY!

I'm not sure how people can possibly make it through an entire pregnancy, knowing for more than half of it that they CAN know the gender of their baby... and still choose to not. Don't get me wrong, I think that's awesome if that's what people choose to do, I'm just so impatient.... never, ever could I do that. Ever.
On Friday I called an ultrasound place in Sandy to set up an appointment for this coming week. When I was making it they asked me how far along I was, of course, and then asked if I'd like to come in the next day. Of course I did! I made the appointment, and text Jon right away. The next 24 hours would crawl by.
Saturday I got up and got all ready for the day. That's an accomplishment these days being on bed rest and all. We headed up and we were so excited. The whole way up we talked about what we thought the baby might be. Jon has said boy since the beginning and I maintained that I had no idea and wasn't about to pretend to.
I still don't look pregnant... at all... and the tech looked quite skeptical when I told her how far along I am. She asked if I'd had an ultrasound already (yes) and if the doctor confirmed my due date (yes) and if we had heard a heartbeat recently (yes) but even so, she seemed to doubt me. I laid on the table, and we got started. It was great to see our baby up on the screen again. I'm just amazed at technology sometimes. To SEE my baby moving, wiggling... heart beating, all of that. It's incredible, really. It took no time at all to determine... it's a BOY. Jon is pretty over the moon thrilled about it. I am too but I had no preference to begin with.
We got several pictures in the package we paid for and then were off to share the news with family first, then announced it to the world.
We have already for absolute sure picked a name.

Chase Albert Lanman

Get ready, world.