Antisocial Media

Social media is in nearly every home these days. I applaud those who have kept it out. Sometimes I wish I had. 

I love how easy it makes it to connect with people. I have a sister in Texas that I keep in good contact with very easily. Jon's family in Vegas are all on Facebook. I have a wonderful, supportive group of ladies with babies close to Chase's age that I've connected with that have been a huge help to me the last year. Old friends, new friends, family... it's all easy communication. Social media is like an open window into our lives, where we can share as much or as little as we wish. 

But sometimes I feel like our lives could use some time with the curtains drawn. I find myself stressing over things that normally wouldn't matter. Moreso lately than usual I have found myself debating if I would make different decisions if I was not concerned what everyone would think. You see, I'm feeling a bit stretched thin these days. Overextended. Overwhelmed. I feel like I'm trying to maintain my dogs, be a Mom, be a good wife, a good friend, prepare the house to sell, raise these puppies right, and deal with the huge crisis that our nuclear family is going through and it's proven to be a bit much. I often find myself laying awake at night for hours on end with my mind racing until my body gives in to exhaustion and I fall into a restless, anxious sleep.

When will the house sell? When will the puppies sell? Where will we live? Am I going to lose my car? Will the dogs be ok extended boarding AGAIN? Are people judging me poorly for them being in this situation? Is this going to hurt my business? I don't want to be a burden on those around me. Are Chase's delays more than just delays? Am I doing things right with him? I feel like people blame me for his not hitting his milestones on time. 

There's so much good that can come with social media. Unfortunately it also allows for a lot of unnecessary transparency that gives way to people's judgement and opinion. Likely, this is happening more in my head than in reality but it doesn't change the fact that too often I am weighing what people will think- how our choices will be perceived by the outside world- when making decisions for our family and I think sometimes it gets in the way of what's best for us.
The truth is, I'm an introvert by nature and though I limit my interactions with people because I find it truly exhausting, I still have this childish need for acceptance. This need has led to me overextending myself and my resources. And, if I'm being totally honest with myself it's had more of a negative impact on my family than I'd like to admit. I try to be a people pleaser and it really effects me when I think people are mad at me or doubt my intentions. It shouldn't, but it does, and I feel like social media makes it easier to worry about the things that don't matter because they're so easily brought to the forefront of everything.
I feel like it's time to really refocus my priorities and figure out what I want out of this chapter of life. Jon and I are going to be moving this winter- something we did not plan or want but we have no choice in the matter due to circumstances- and I feel like though it's a huge cause of stress right now maybe the opportunity to start over is exactly what we need. We really have been though so much. Very few people know what our marriage has weathered. There's a lot of uncertainty in our lives right now but I am thankful to know for absolute certain that no matter what comes our way, we will face it together. I am immensely blessed to have him in my life and though there have been times in the past we have taken each other for granted, (and really, what married couple hasn't?) he's my rock. I would not have chosen to be in the situation we are in, not in a million years, but it's starting to make sense. I am seeing a silver lining ahead. A fresh start. A new beginning. And all we have to do is brave this storm to get there.

Garden Noms!

I can not believe that Summertime is coming to an end. Mostly, I can't believe Chase is almost a year old. We've had some really good times and made some really good memories this season. Our family has been through some tough stuff, and continues to endure through the storm, but all in all, I can't make too many complaints.
One of the things I've really enjoyed this Summer has been our first year gardening. When we ultimately made the decision to NOT move last year, there were a few things that had to change on this property- one of which was finding space for a garden. We didn't want to give up any of our backyard space because it's already so limited and we have so many darn dogs that like to run and play, so Jon built 6 6'x6' garden boxes that we plopped right into the front yard. I didn't know how it would turn out. I am not an experienced gardener by any means.
We learned a lot about what we will do differently next time around. Everything got planted while Jon's mom was in town and I was spending most of my time with my family as Grandpa Albert's passing was so fresh we were still processing together. When Jon told me we had 12 tomato plants in one box I knew things would be interesting... and they have been!
Our peas were planted about two weeks late, and had a rough start but they did end up producing for quite a long time and I loved every single one of them. Our green beans for some reason boomed but have failed to actually produce beans yet. I'm not sure if they WILL or if we goofed up on them somehow. For sure something to troubleshoot and sort out for next year. Our cauliflower went in way too late and we knew it. We knew when we planted it that the chances of it making it were slim- and we were right.
We are at the peak of the season now and enjoying our daily haul. Fresh onions, carrots, cabbage, two kinds of lettuce, bell peppers, cucumbers... and when my tomatoes begin to ripen we will indeed be swimming in romas and beefsteak. I am pretty proud of the success we've had because we started everything from seeds, outdoors.
We have not used ANY weed spray or pesticides in our garden whatsoever. I weed the earth by hand. We have lost some leaves and whatnot to bugs but so far the produce has been left alone and has tasted wonderful.
If we were staying in this house, we would spend the winter smothering the grass in preparation for a jigsaw of garden boxes to cover the entire front yard. I have learned that though it is hot, tiring work sometimes I really enjoy gardening a lot. After sunset when Chase goes down for an evening nap I am just itching to get out there and see what the garden has to offer for that day. It's a time that brings me a lot of mental clarity, too. I often times get overrun by my busy mind that I struggle to shut off, but something about being in the garden helps me to think more clearly.
I have always felt a certain level of responsibility to become as self-sufficient as possible. It just makes no sense to me to be watering lawn just because that's what society has decided is the ideal use of ground space in the suburbs here. My garden isn't costing me anything other than what I was already spending. The difference is that I am picking delicious veggies rather than mowing that much more lawn. I can't help but wonder how many less hungry kids there would be if everyone adopted a front yard garden in place of turf. I feel good about being able to provide something so valuable for my family and friends. It is my hope that when we move we can find room for another garden, and implement all the lesson we've learned and make it that much more successful. I have hopes of being able to feed my family and a few others from what our new ground will have to offer.
It is important to me to be contributing positively not only to my nuclear family, but to extended family and my community as well. I feel like this is one way I can do that, and the fact I find it so healing to my mind is a huge, huge bonus. 

Lost Bodies

Bodies. We all have one. We are often taught that our bodies are temples and to take care of them. I mean, after all you only get one! Our bodies can do some incredible things, and when you really stop and think about every system and process we are capable of, and how it all works it can be really mind-blowing. Pregnancy in particular is fascinating. The ability for a whole new life to form, grow, and be birthed. Honestly, I think it's incredible. I mean, not that turning a taco into poop isn't totally impressive too, it is- but of all the bodily functions I do find reproduction to be one of the more impressive and intriguing.
Thanks to my browsing history, many of the ads and articles that come up on my laptop are baby and postpartum related... well, that and Great Dane. I'm often times put off by how many of those are related to "getting your body back after pregnancy." Now, I know I am probably being a little nit picky on wording here but... what the heck does that even mean anyway? I mean, do people actually LOSE their bodies when they become pregnant and then have to go out and search for them to get them back? Does this actually happen? NO!
In fact- pregnancy made me more aware of my body than ever before. No way was I misplacing it. Not even a limb or two. No doubt pregnancy changed my body. I have stretch marks I didn't have before. (Don't worry, they just blend in with the roadmap of the ones that were there already. Thank you non-elastic skin type!) My belly which once grew my sweet boy is now squishy like Jell-O. Like, seriously squishy. I'm totally rocking what in the cat world is known as a spay sway. My boobs aren't quite what they used to be. In fact, first thing in the morning I have awesome boobs and feel like maybe I don't want that boob job after all. But, as the day goes on they deflate and sport the rock-in-a-sock look. My c-section scar which is bigger than most due to the emergency nature of my surgery will always be there. But you know what? These are signs, physical reminders, of the life my body created.
We as a society put so much value in pretty bodies we neglect to recognize the pure beauty in a body that has created life- one that has gone through the most divine transformation a human body can possibly go through. My postpartum body isn't what most consider pretty. It's not what you see on a tabloid. But it's mine. And I am learning to love it.
My body has been through many chapters of life. It's been abused by alcohol and drugs. It's been marked by ink. I was that teenager that never actually was overweight but thought I was fat anyway. I've been 258 lbs. I've been 107lbs (my low last year- it was NOT pretty, or intentional. That's what having a baby in NICU does...) I now reside at a healthy weight for my body, but battle a very sensitive digestive system. I have skin so sensitive that shaving my legs means being covered in painful red spots. So guess what? Sometimes, I go WEEKS without doing it. Being body positive is something I've always struggled with. No matter what I've looked like I've been able to find something wrong with myself- something worth hating. Until now. Now, through all those imperfections and "uglies" I see a body that did something UH MA ZING. I see these bodies all around me. And I see women hating themselves, constantly commenting on the baby weight, the wide hips, the bigger clothing.
I guess my point is... to all the mamas out there who somehow lost their bodies while incubating an entire human being, I hope you are able to find them. And when you do, relish in the beautiful changes. (And then freaking put a GPS locator on that thing. Never again should you be running around without a body.) And then pat yourself on the back because you made a freaking PERSON. And that's really damn impressive. 

Freedom and Business

Freedom is a funny thing. We love to have it. Many have died for it. We take pride in it. Oh yes, we Americans sure do love freedom... until someone does something crazy like... oh, I dunno, exercise it.
Last week it was Hobby Lobby, and this week it's CostCo.
Honestly, it didn't surprise me that the Hobby Lobby court case caused a huge uproar. It's *REALLY* easy to make Democrats cry victim. Somehow their refusal to cover certain contraceptives translated into them denying contraceptives to their employees. Which, let's just back up for a quick minute here. I'm NOT going to buy you a new car. Ever. Does that mean I am denying you the "right" to own a car? No. It means I'm not giving it to you, go buy your own. Problem solved. For some reason this big chunk of the population is sadly under the impression that 1. contraceptives are a human right, and that 2. everything in the world should be given to you. Neither of which are true. So, Hobby Lobby is no longer forced under Obamacare to provide "contraceptives" that interfere with the progression of an already fertilized egg- such as the plan B pill, but they still provide 16 out of 20 available methods of birth control. Go them. Not to mention their employees are treated very well and paid more than most retail jobs. Go ahead, liberals, cry that you might have to pay for your own abortions. *eyeroll* Yeesh, if you don't like the terms of employment- work for a different company! Find work elsewhere. If it's SUPER important to you that your employer provide you the morning after pill every time you screw up then work for one who does. It's really that simple. And if you're all in a tizzy that Hobby Lobby can't do this because it's none of their business... guess what? Your healthcare is none of their business, either. They don't have to provide ANY insurance, but they do. For a company that large they;d be better off paying the fees/ taxes and not providing any at all, but that's not what they did because they're not assholes.
What DID surprise me a bit here recently is that CostCo pulled a book with conservative views from the shelves and Republicans freaked out about it. Um. What? A business has a right to sell or not sell any product they want. Again, CostCo not selling XYZ book is NOT censorship. It's a business deciding they don't want to stock something because of sales, morals, or any slew of reasons. Guess what? In my storefront I refuse to carry poor quality crappy dog foods like Purina, Iams, and Pedigree. I, as the business owner, have made that decision- that products that don't meet *MY* standard in quality won't have a space on our shelves. I have a right to do that. I am in no way infringing on your right to buy whatever the heck you want, you will just have to go to another store to poison your animal. CostCo can choose to carry or not carry whatever they want. I see people commenting how they're going to boycott CostCo and go sign up for Sam's Club. Because, you know, the sister company to Wal Mart in NO WAY presents moral and ethical conflicts of their own. CostCo treats their employees well (overall rated one of the best companies to work for) and presents reasonable prices on quality products. Plus, their bacon is freaking delicious. Whether them pulling the book actually had to do with sales, or if it was the head honcho's bias that led to it- it doesn't matter. All these people crying censorship and complaining about their rights are idiots. Id. I. Ots.

I'm sure as heck not boycotting Hobby Lobby for the owners having a moral conflict with certain forms of birth control, and defending their right to not pay for them. There's a lot of things I have moral issues with. I don't support rodeos- so I don't give my money to them. I don't support abortion- so I don't donate to Planned Parenthood. I don't support animal abuse an exploitation- so I don't donate to PETA or HSUS. (oh, snap!) People can choose to take part in these things all they want. I will not stand in someone's way to jump in line for a rodeo ticket. I don't get in the way of people's murders abortions. I don't stop people from donating to whatever scam charity they wish. But, I want nothing to do with it and forcing me to contribute to it would be unethical. So, good for Hobby Lobby. You don't have to agree with their stance on the issue to see that they have every right to not pay for something like that.
I'm also not boycotting CostCo for their decisions to pull a book from the shelves- even a book that I probably support more than not. (I can't say for sure, I haven't read it) Why? Because that's their prerogative and if I want to read that book there's a million other places I can get it. If the owners of CostCo want to pull a product due to sales or morals, go them. I don't care. I will keep going. I will keep buying bacon.
I also have to chuckle to myself because I know most of these people are all talk. History shows that very few people ACTUALLY will inconvenience themselves or change habits just for the principle of the matter. If someone is pissed at CostCo, but it's a close, convenient store... they're not going to stop going.

Also, people suck.

Dogs and Cops

It's happened again. A police officer shot a canine and now the dog community is all kinds of in a tizzy.

In a search for a missing child, an officer in Utah went on private property where he shot and killed a weimerainer, Geist, in his own yard. I love my dogs. I mean, I really really freaking love my dogs. Jon and I have seriously built our life around our pack. Seriously, some of the things we sacrifice and do for them borderline insanity at times. They are a part of our family and if anything like this happened to one of them, I'd be completely beside myself heartbroken. The mere thought of losing Annie particularly makes my heart ache.
Now there's a group of people demanding justice for poor Geist. Dog people, of course. While I AGREE that the death of this beautiful creature is a tragedy, and a sign that we need to do better, I don't think going after this officer like he's a murder-happy, dog-hating first class jerk is the answer. I can't get on board with that, and here's why.
Imagine for a moment that you have the safety and welfare of your entire community in your hands. Your job requires you to make some life-changing and sometimes life-ending decisions for other people because SOMEONE has to do it. Imagine that every time you stepped out of your front door, you had to consciously think about the fact it could be the last time you see your family. Imagine if a "bad day" at work easily meant a fatal injury and not just cubicle gossip and a broken copy machine. Imagine putting your life on the line for your community- a community that often times is unappreciative and critical. There are those who will relate to that- particularly military and law enforcement- and then there are those of us who make up the majority who will NEVER know what it feels like to HAVE TO make a split second judgement call that could take another person's (or in this case- dog's) life. We will NEVER know what that's like. But we are quick to think we know what we'd do.
There's speculation to if this missing child search even had reason to be on that property. Many have their panties in a bunch because this officer supposedly had no reason to be there in the first place. To this I say- do you really think this man was having a grand ol' time poking around aimlessly? Do you really think that he went out in search for a dog to shoot for kicks and giggles? If this is your impression I venture to say I think you are sorely mistaken.
I *HUGELY* believe that police officers need constant and more extensive education on canine aggression. I think they are ill-equipped to determine when a dog is a true threat and when they're not and as a result of this animals die. It's not acceptable. I think there are a good chunk of times that dogs are harmed or killed because their body language and signals are misread or misinterpreted as aggression. I think the general dog community has a hard time accepting the fact that sometimes to keep people safe- animals have to die.
I have five dogs living on my property right this second. I can tell you that all of them are sweethearts. They have all slept in my bed, they live in my house, they are a part of my family. I love them dearly. I trust them with my son. I enjoy their companionship. They are well-trained, well-socialized, and not at all a threat to society.
BUT.
but.
I also recognize that they're dogs. And that a 140lb strange dog is probably intimidating to someone who isn't particularly a giant breed enthusiast. I also recognize that if they feel threatened, they would be particularly intimidating.
I have one, my largest male, who avoids conflict at all costs. He is protective. He would growl at an intruder. A 140lb dog growling at you is probably something nightmares are made of for most people. I have no doubts that he would bite if he felt pushed, but I also know someone could probably walk through my entire house and as long as they didn't actually approach him, he wouldn't approach them either. I don't expect a stranger to know this. A growling dog to someone not well-informed on canine behavior- is perceived as a serious threat.
I have one, a female, that probably wouldn't hesitate to bite your face off if you came on the property. Yes, indeed, if an officer had reason to come in my back yard, unannounced and unsupervised... he probably would have to shoot her to protect himself. I pray that never happens.
I know one of my dogs is friendlier than friendly and would beeline to an intruder convinced that a member of his fan club had arrived and it was now his duty to be a complete ham. I know this dog well. I know he's the most bombproof dog I've ever met and that he isn't in any way a danger. I also know that a 130lb dog charging straight at you is hugely intimidating for most people, wagging tail or not.
My point is- you can't expect a stranger to know your dogs. There's a huge call for this officer- this man who daily puts his life on the line to protect YOU- to be fired.
Let me remind you, folks... this was a missing CHILD search. A 3 year old. This officer was doing his job, combing the area. What would you suggest he do if that were YOUR child? Skip all yards with dogs because.... why? Because a dog's life is valued over a child's? Sadly in much of the dog fanatic community this is the case. And it disgusts me.

I do NOT support the "Justice for Geist" movement because I feel it is misdirected. I think if officers are expected to enter people's property where there may be companion animals then we need to better equip them to make those terribly difficult judgement calls. We need to supply them with the correct information on how to most accurately assess a TRUE canine aggression threat. Too many animals die every year simply because someone doesn't know the difference between a dog that is a bite/ attack risk and a dog that is not. I am ALL FOR requiring more in this area.

In saying ALL of this I will acknowledge the issue of crooked cops, particularly that it is especially a problem in Utah right now. I don't overlook that. But I also don't think that is relevant to this case. This was a case of an officer doing his job- looking for a missing child- and doing what he felt necessary to protect his life from a threat. Perception is reality. 

Weeds- Gardening Applied to Life.

I was working out in the garden today while Chase snoozed. His sleep has been so thrown off lately due to some obnoxious neighborhood issues, so I let him cat nap any time he can.
I've enjoyed gardening more than I thought I would to be honest. I have liked watching my little plants grow and blossom. I weed my boxes as often as I can- some weeks that's daily and it only takes a few moments a day and sometimes I just don't get the time and I can spend a solid hour catching up. Luckily the latter hasn't happened many times. But even when it has I enjoy the time out to just think as I thread through the boxes digging in the Earth, pulling what's not wanted to leave more room and nutrients in the soil for what is.
I am amazed at how many parallels and life lessons there are in something as simple as a novice vegetable garden as I find time to just reflect on whatever is on my mind at the time.
I recall a long time ago sitting on the edge of the hill with my grandmother as I picked peas and devoured their contents. Grandma was pulling weeds. I remember asking why they had to be pulled because I thought they were pretty. I had a particular fondness for the morning glories as I liked to stick my nose in them and inhale making the little white flowers cling to my face. I remember her telling me that she had to pick the weeds so there was room for the peas. I didn't get it. Here before me was a garden of clearly thriving plants- AND a few weeds. Pretty weeds. Obviously they could coexist. Silly Grandma.
As I moved about my boxes, reaching in the soil and pulling out weeds- some of which were quite pretty- I came across a small pea plant. This plant bore no blossoms or pods like the others, and it was being swallowed by some ugly grass looking weed. The base of it was dry, and the leaves a bit wilted. The weeds had robbed the soil- the foundation- and prevented this little pea plant from thriving. As my fingers followed the roots beneath the ground, I tugged and pulled trying not to damage the pea plant any further in my attempts to clear the ground. The roots intertwined and criss crossed and I was unable to pull the weeds out without completely removing the tiny plant with them. So there I was, pea plant in hand as I cursed the weeds for taking over. But it wasn't really the weed's fault, it was mine. I didn't foster a healthy environment for my little plant. I allowed the weeds one by one to take root and grow bigger and stronger until they overpowered it, greedily sucking the minerals from the soil leaving my plant to wilt and suffer.
As I reflected on that lesson my grandmother taught me long ago I realized how very true it is. A healthy garden with a few weeds can flourish- if you pick the weeds. However, if you neglect those weeds, they will take over at the expense of all things desirable in the garden.
I applied this principle to so many facets- both religious and secular- of my life as I knelt in the garden. How simple a concept.
I have many weeds in my life. Some I have more control than others over. Some are challenges that prevent me from doing things I know I should.

My social anxiety makes it difficult to attend church meetings the way I should.
My pride makes it difficult to admit when I am wrong.
My selfishness gets in the way of being the kind of wife I want to be.
My impatience is a challenge as I strive to be a good mother.
My insecurity and thirst for acceptance makes it difficult to walk away from people who only bring negativity to my life.

Indeed I am a person of many flaws- as we all are. However, I'm also a person of many strengths.
I have a good sense of humor and can make those around me laugh without much effort.
I'm compassionate and giving.
I have good common sense and reasoning.
I'm forgiving.
I'm honest, and a person of my word.

As I cleared the ground of weeds- strengthened the foundation of my garden- I thought of things I ought to do to weed out my own life. I placed that little plant back in the ground, gave it some water- unsure of if it even had a chance as I came back inside to clean myself up. Several hours later, when I went to get the mail, I checked in on my little plant and though it may be in my head, it's looking greener and healthier already.
It's my goal to clear my life, mind, and heart of the many weeds that take root... to pull them from my mind like a weed from the earth, and leave time, space, and energy to foster a firm foundation for the more desirable traits of my personality and self to flourish. 

Peas Please!

Ah, Summertime. It's here once again. This Summer is so much different than every other in my life for several reasons. For one, it's our first Summer as parents. Jon and I have enjoyed several Summers just the two of us but now we are blessed with sweet little Chase. We get to make plans that include him, so even though we plan to do much of the same things we always have- none of them will be the same anymore, and that's a good thing. We couldn't be happier. There's also the fast that it's the first Summer that we will navigate without Albert. My heart still aches over his absence every day. I won't carry on about that. It would be easy for this to become "The fifty billion reasons I need my Grandpa back" blog. 

One of the things I looked forward to this year is the fact we have a garden now. When we decided not to sell our house, we also put in a few garden boxes because I refused to not have one if I'm committing to stay here for at least 5 more years.
So, my awesome husband went to work and built six raised beds.
And yes, that's a marching band in that picture. I will tell you all about the marching band later. 

We are both new to gardening. I mean- mostly. I remember picking peas and raspberries at my grandparent's every Summer since the beginning of forever, but as far as the know-how and work of actually making a garden a success, no. That's new to me. I always got to skip that and get straight to the good part- the food!
We started everything from seeds, and for a while I didn't know if they were going to take. Jon and I would get excited every time we'd see green pop up, and then we'd watch for a week only to discover it was indeed just a weed. Just when I was pretty sure our attempts were not enough, all of a sudden everything just... flourished. It got too hot too fast for our cauliflower, which I figured was going to be the case but it didn't hurt to try anyway. Everything else though- peas, beans, peppers, cucumber, tomato, lettuce, strawberries... they're all doing well. Our peas are getting their very first pods this week and I am so excited. 

There's a lot of things we will do a little differently next year, but I'm pretty proud at our first go at gardening. I hope we can get the rest of our yard fixed up in a timely manner so we can enjoy it for the Summertime but at least our garden is doing well. I can't wait for everything to mature and be ready for picking so we can enjoy and share the fruits of our labor! 

I'm also excited to be able to teach Chase hands-on about where some of our food comes from. Being able to provide clean, organic produce straight from our ground is an added bonus too. 

I didn't get raspberries in this year but I have a spot all primed and ready for them next year. I know they are fragile plants but hopefully they will take. 

I also didn't get my herb garden going this year. We are doing it gutter-style along the front of the massive shed Jon built. I think it will make that less of an eyesore, by providing a wall of yummy green goodness. Not that Jon's shed isn't great- it's just a shed. I'd rather look at a wall of living green herbs than a giant white box.