Bubbles and Babies

I'm not the person I used to be.
I believe that life is fluid, and our idea of who we are are ever-changing as we press forward. The things I believed defined my very existence in previous chapters of my life aren't even things that I think twice about today. I feel I am at a place now that I know who I am- for the first time in my life I have priorities, plans, AND purpose... I don't think I've had all three at any given point previously.
In a former life (or at least it SEEMS that long ago) I was very adamant that I would absolutely *not* raise my family in Utah. I didn't like it here. It was to much of a bubble. I wanted more than that. There's a whole world out there beyond this community and dangit I wanted my kids to grow up experiencing it.
But then I got pregnant.
And as it often does, that pregnancy led to a baby.
And now I'm a mom.
And this bubble doesn't seem so bad.
In fact, I honestly don't care if the only friends my kids ever know are cousins.
I don't care if my kids never EVER see a Las Vegas billboard for XXX Pussycat Dolls Nasty Club.
The idea of my family setting roots and being a part of this silly little community is fine by me.
I want my kids to know who they are, and unlike this new trend in gender-neutral parenting and hands-off approach, I feel as a mom it's my calling to help guide them in their self-discovery- religiously, philosophically, morally. I'm using plurals here as I know in my heart Chase will not be an only child. I'm thinking of more than just him here.
 I still stand pretty strong that this place is severely lacking diversity, and I *DO* want my kids to explore the world and know different cultures than their own. I hope in a future chapter of our lives we can travel with them, show them places and things that I never have had the chance to see. I can't protect them from everything- and I don't want to. They have to know that there's more out there, but they can learn that without being bombarded by it. Making your own choices is part of discovering who you are and what you want. But I see so much benefit to this bubble now.
I'm thankful for neighbors who see Jon struggle to unload heavy furniture from the truck, and offer to help.
I'm thankful for a community not cluttered with pornographic ads because the general public doesn't accept it as OK.
More than anything, I'm thankful my babies will  grow up surrounded by family. Aunts, Uncles, grandparents, cousins... people who love them AND share a similar moral code. I'm thankful to know that Jon and I are not on our own to raise our kids, that we have the support of the people we love. As the old saying goes: it takes a community to raise a child, a
nd it's SO true.
Don't be fooled. there are things about Utah I don't particularly love. Winter is too long. Fall is too short. Property is too expensive. Orem is laid out REALLY stupid. I wish there were more cultural diversity.
I hope someday Shelly can move here. I hope someday Jon's parents will move here. (Because we for SURE will never, ever move to Vegas again. Ever.) In the world we live in, I can't think of anyone I'd rather surround our nuclear family with than... more family. 

Boys and girls

There's this fad going on in parenting... Or perhaps it's not a fad at all and I am just discovering it. Either way, I think it's freaking nuts. The fad? Gender neutral EVERYTHING. Why? Because how dare you assign a gender to your baby/toddler/kid/teen. That's for them to decide!
Let's back up a minute.
I'm really a very accepting person. I recognize that many people struggle with their identity be it gender, orientation, or whatever. Dude. I get it. I desperately wanted to be a redhead in Jr. high. In all seriousness I am not making light of those struggles. I can't say I quite understand it, because I'm totally cool with the fact I sport lady bits and wouldn't change it even if I could. My intent here is not to shame anyone. I've got my own demons in the closet. Trust me.
 But, I honestly don't understand where the benefit is in pretending that boys are girls are just "it" until they're "old enough to decide what they want to be." And honestly, the mere idea of it kind of annoys me a little. I change about 8-10 diapers per day. Chase is indeed a boy. It's part of his identity. Wether or not he chooses to accept or change that at a later time in his life, is up to him. But here, now, today... He's a happy, healthy, 6 month old baby BOY.
So, having been born a boy, he will be raised as a boy. He's too young to have preferences now, but you bet we lean towards trucks, dinosaurs, blue, green, sports, and all manner of boy things. I would never dress him in dresses and pink and buy him barbies. Rather than worry that I'm pressuring him to be a boy, I feel I am teaching him to rejoice in the many beautiful differences between boys and girls, how we are so wonderfully opposite in so many ways, and yet so complimentary. Because, you see... while I could accept whomever my son grows to be I do feel an absolute duty to raise him in a way that teaches him who he is, where he came from, why he is here, and rather than leave his self-discovery to be guided by the media and friends and social pressure, Jon and I play the important role of guiding him. I wish more parents were more hands on in this way. Insisting that boys and girls are the same and that it's just society that inserts differences is silly. We are hard wired completely differently and pretending otherwise really just sets our little ones up for more confusion in my opinion.
But then again what more can you expect in a society that shames those who hold strong to religion and have beliefs beyond "Everything is right and good and ok and there is no such thing as right and wrong and how dare you think my lifestyle choices are possibly sinful!" I hold firmly that is is not our place to judge others. It's not. Chase will be raised to treat every human being with respect and love- regardless of race, religion. Orientation, or any other factor. But I also won't stand back while society lets him believe that there is no right or wrong. There is. Just as there are boys and girls. 

Dear Chase,

Dear Chase,
My sweet boy, oh how I wish I could put into words the fierce love I feel in every corner of my heart every time I look at you. For the few years your daddy and I hoped and prayed for a baby to join our family I often imagined what you would be like. I wondered what you would look like, what would make you smile, how you would change our lives. When we discovered we were expecting you I don't think we've ever been more excited. For months I marveled at my changing body, the life and movement growing within me. I loved you before I ever felt the first kick. You'd wake me up every morning- 4am. I'd cradle you in my belly as you flipped and kicked. I called it our morning dance parties. I felt as if I already knew you. We already had routines, traditions I could count on. I'd smile as you wiggled, and poke you back.
When you arrived early I was scared. I was scared that I'd done something wrong- that you were somehow paying for a mistake I made. But you were strong, so strong. You beat every odd stacked up against you. Your dad and I would watch you every night and wonder how in the world we were deemed worthy of having such a special little boy in our lives. Your doctors and nurses all would comment what a fighter you were, and how good-natured. Even through the uncomfortable and often painful procedures you have always been such a happy boy.
The day we finally brought you home- 59 days after your birthday- is the single most happy day of my life to this point. As we drove home from Provo- just the three of us- I knew it was the start of something amazing. The start of a whole new life. Your eyes glittered with excitement and joy as the sunshine bounced off your perfect skin for the first time.
You are only five months old now. So strong and yet so tiny. I am so proud of how far you've come, and I know within my heart you are destined for greatness. But today, you are sick. Your little body has been through so much already and the RSV is so hard on you. I am trying to be strong for you. I cradle you and feel the sickness rattle in your chest. I pray, endlessly, that your Heavenly Father will bring you comfort and healing. I am so thankful your daddy is a worthy man and is able to give you blessings. I am scared for you because I love you, but I know that you are a fighter. This virus won't get the best of you. You inspire me, as you grin between coughing fits. Every time I see the pain and discomfort in your eyes my heart breaks for you, and just when it's nearly overwhelming you giggle and reach out to me as if to reassure me that you've got this. You're my everything, little buddy. You are strong, much stronger than me. I'd do anything for you. Absolutely anything to keep you safe, strong, and healthy.
I know this time is precious. You won't be little forever. There will come a day that you realize my singing voice is terrible and it will no longer soothe you. Someday, a dance party with mom won't be the easiest way to make you grin. There will come a day that snuggling under the covers all morning won't be your favorite thing. But today? Today you love my singing. Today you love to dance with me. Today, snuggling under the covers is the only sure fire way to soothe your discomfort... so that's exactly what we will do.

I love my buddy, and my buddy loves me.
He's the cutest buddy that you ever did see.
There's nowhere in the world that I would rather be,
Than all snuggled up, just my buddy and me.

Confessions of the Introverted Social Hermit

It's not that I don't care. It's not that I don't like you. It's not that I'm miserable.
It's that.... I just really like my space. A whole awful lot.

1. I intentionally don't carry my phone on me 99% of the time. Because then I have to answer it, and I really don't want that.

2. If I'm not expecting someone, I refuse to answer the door. In fact, I refuse to even check who it is. I will indeed put forth my best effort to appear NOT home. I will even let the dogs bark on without hushing them to add to the illusion. Please. Don't ever show up unannounced. It really pisses me off- even if I like you.

3. I don't actually like people in my house. Not even people I love a whole awful lot. Not even people I enjoy being around otherwise. It weirds me out. It throws off my routines, it throws off the dogs, and I don't like it.

4. I rarely make plans, because he second I do I want out of them. The exception to this rule is family, oh I will plan things with family ANY time. But that lunch I committed to weeks ago? That meeting on the calendar? I likely spend more time trying to think of an excuse to cancel than anything. I just don't like committing my time to things in advance. It's not that I don't WANT to see people, I do... but having a strict agenda makes me really uneasy and irritated. I'm like a 90 year old woman- if I have a hair appointment at 2pm on Wednesday, I'm busy for the week. No more commitments can be made.

5. I don't like meeting new people. I'm really quite comfortable in my small social circle that consists primarily of family. I don't have interest in putting forth the kind of time and energy commitment required to build new friendships and relationships. See confession #4.

I really wish people could see that these things are not a reflection of how I feel about them PERSONALLY. They're just.... me. It's just how I am. So, please don't be offended if I haven't invited you over in a while (or... ever) or if I didn't answer your calls. I prefer to care from a distance. Nothing is wrong, you haven't offended me. 

MY kid.

Being that most of my friends procreated before me (damn you, infertility!) I have seen it a million times before: super cool fun friend suddenly has nothing to say that doesn't involve their new super duper cool baby, their Facebook feed turns into post after post of that said "super cool" baby did that day... and I'm not even talking things like cure cancer or end world hunger... but for some reason the fact their kid dropped a log in the toilet rather than their pants is some massive accomplishment. Depending on the friend this may or may not include a picture of their kid sitting on the pot in all their bare-bottomed glory.Rolling my eyes I'd think "DUDE, we get it. You like.... made a human and you think it's really cool and all and you want to share it with the world because for SOME reason you think your kid is way cooler than the bajillion other kids in the world. I totally get being proud. In Jr. High I once painted a watercolor picture of an island scene and it was really cool and if I had facebook then I'd totally have posted it... but not every single damn day!"  I would then realize that I had absolutely nothing in common with said friend anymore, and move on vowing that someday when I had kids, I'd only share the really awesome stuff and not become "that mom."

But then this crazy thing happened. I got pregnant. And I had a baby. Like, a really super duper cool baby. And now I post really weird crap, like pictures of breastmilk (twice, actually.) and photo memes about babies and parenting and the mere mentioning of breastfeeding in public, circumcision, or cloth diapering are enough for my soapbox to creep out of the closet. (I mean, on the rare occasion it even makes it TO the closet. I generally leave my soap box right in the middle of the floor, you know, in case someone needs to hear a bit of my infinite wisdom.) I post pictures of Chase daily.... because today's smile is pretty much completely different than yesterday's.

But surely no one is rolling their eyes at my updates like I have towards others so many times. Surely not. Because everything Chase does is super duper cool.
He's not like other babies.
He smiles cuter.
He laughs cuter.
And somehow, when his face is covered in vile, white chunky baby puke, he's still adorable.
His ears are the cutest ears I've ever seen. And those toes. OH and that bum... seriously guys, dangerously cute bum warning on this baby.
Why?
Because he's MY kid.
Mine.
I made him. (Jon helped jump start it but trust me, I take 99.99% credit)
And he's way cooler than any island painting I've ever made. (But seriously, it WAS pretty awesome. It even had a pink sailboat.)

See, guys. See how that smile is like 500% different than the OTHER smile?! 

And now, well... now I get it. I get why all those moms I know were suddenly undeniably convinced that their kid was so super duper cool. Because kids ARE super duper cool. Even when they're not. That's something I never could wrap my head around before having my own. I don't think anyone can. So now, as I scroll my feed and I see "Oh look, little Johnny went to the zoo today and here are 1384723846723 pictures of his first time there!" I smile. I think, "I can't wait to post 1273632469314 pictures of Chase's first trip to the zoo!"

Because he's MY kid.
So, bare with me. Something tells me that this chapter of my life, the baby-having chapter, is going to make me really annoying.

Thoughts from a lowly SAHM

An article written by feminist blogger Amy Glass has taken the internet by storm lately. Titled "I Look Down on Young Women With Husbands and Kids and I'm Not Sorry" it caught the attention of many- myself included. And, being the outspoken person I am, surely I have a few things to say.

The original article can be read by clicking here. 

Do people really think that a stay at home mom is really on equal footing with a woman who works and takes care of herself? There’s no way those two things are the same. 

Excuse me while *I* fight back vomit. I support a woman's RIGHT to choose to not have children and who take on the workforce head strong. Last I checked, I take care of myself. I also take care of my son. Imagine that.
Working isn't easy. Building a career isn't easy. It takes a lot of hard work and dedication, but that doesn't make parenting any less important. In fact, dare i say that if more women did just that- PARENT- we'd have lower crime, and less trouble making hooligans running about?

Having kids and getting married are considered life milestones. ...These aren’t accomplishments, they are actually super easy tasks, literally anyone can do them. They are the most common thing, ever, in the history of the world. They are, by definition, average.

The part of me that struggled and felt EMPTY for MORE THAN THREE YEARS to conceive, all while building a career and running a business just cried a little.
See, the thing is: I've been there. I've had a career. I've worked hard and watched my business grow. We've reaped the success of a thriving small business. I've worked 80 hour weeks. I've dedicated myself to my work so fully my entire life was consumed by it.
I felt nothing short of empty. I did not feel accomplished. I did not feel fulfilled. I did not feel happy. I did not feel in any way successful. Don't get me wrong, I *LOVE* my business and I'm proud of the progress it's made. I'm passionate about it. But at the end of the day, I longed to be a mom. I longed to have babies. That's what I wanted, more than anything. That's what I felt like my calling in life was.
My rad to motherhood was not easy, and three and a half years really is a SHORT road in the heartbreaking reality of infertility that many, many couples face.

You will never have the time, energy, freedom or mobility to be exceptional if you have a husband and kids.

Lies. Lies lies lies. In fact, my role as a business owner is takes away FAR MORE freedom and mobility than my role as a mother. The ignorance in this statement... I can't even.....

 hear women talk about how “hard” it is to raise kids and manage a household all the time. I never hear men talk about this. It’s because women secretly like to talk about how hard managing a household is so they don’t have to explain their lack of real accomplishments.

I've played both roles. I've played the "successful business woman" and currently am playing the "stay at home wife/ mother." Neither role is easy. But really, they aren't even comparable. They have their ups and downs, they have their rewards, their struggles. But at the end of the day it's a whole different lifestyle. I think women should do whatever they feel is right for them. Each individual and situation is different, therefore what is right for each person will be different too.

Women will be equal with men when we stop demanding that it be considered equally important to do housework and real work. They are not equal. Doing laundry will never be as important as being a doctor or an engineer or building a business. This word play is holding us back.

The thing is... the doctor needs clean clothes, no? It takes all different roles to make this world go round.


I think what irks me most about this article is the fact the writer takes what she feels is right for her, and like a giant blanket, applies it to everyone. I mean, SHE feels best when pursuing a career, so EVERYONE ELSE SHOULD TOO!  I felt completely empty while pursuing a career. Should I dedicate my life to it, just because some people place little to no value in anyone who does something as "pointless" as.... oh, I dunno... dedicating their lives to raising the next generation of human beings?! Gosh, how incredibly uninspired of me.

I see this a lot on the internet, actually. People calling themselves feminists who think they are empowering women to do more, be more, accomplish more.... when in reality they are putting down anyone who HEAVEN FORBID actually WANTS to take on that traditional home maker role. If everyone followed their advice the human race would cease to exist in one generation and would therefore be the biggest failure as a species in the history of all time. Real successful, NOT. Why d we have to put down the stay at home mom to empower the working woman? Why do we have to make the working mom feel inadequate to raise the SAHM up? Why can't we just accept that everyone is different, and empower and uplift them ALL for doing what's best for them? Oh... that's right... because that's actually logical and would require folks to actually get over themselves.

I think I'll go make dinner now. From scratch.

 

It's not luck.

I've been told on several occasions how LUCKY I am to be a stay at home mom. I would not trade staying home with Chase for ABSOLUTELY anything in the world. It's so important to me, and to Jon, to have a parent at home full time. I don't know when I decided it was important to me, but it was something that I felt strongly about.
There were times in my life I wasn't even certain I wanted kids but. I always felt very strongly that IF I did, I planned to be a full time stay at home mom. It was important to me to marry someone who put value in that as well- not everyone does and that's OK. It was something I felt strongly enough about that I knew I could not marry someone who expected me to work full time after having kids. Luckily, I married a wonderful man who was on the same page... Someone willing to work and sacrifice to make it possible.
Adjusting to being a single-income home is not easy. It works for us, not because we are lucky, but because we are willing to sacrifice, adapt, adjust, and are dedicated to making it work. There was a time in our marriage when buying a new vehicle was no big deal. Planning expensive vacations, going on cruises, moving, spending a small fortune on pet care... These were just things we did because we could. We didn't think twice about buying a boat, and the idea of increasing our mortgage was no big deal. We're we rich? Certainly not. But we were a childless couple with two incomes. Dinner and a movie didn't need to be planned and budgeted.

Those days are over. It's important to me to maintain a good quality of life for my kids. I certainly don't wish to raise my babies in poverty! But realistically... What does that mean for kids? What determines quality of life? What things are necessary? What can we do without? At what point does sacrificing decrease quality of life?
Im a firm believer that vacations are a necessity. no one can work hard all the time without taking time out to enjoy life. My income allowed us to go on fancier vacations. A yearly trip to California where we would visit a series of overpriced amusement parks, a cruise, a fancy hotel in Jackson Hole,  spontaneous trips to visit friends in Denver and Idaho. But do these things matter to kids? I look at my childhood and think of my most cherished memories. None of them are in fancy hotels. I'd never stepped foot on a cruise ship until I was married. When I think of the things I put value in, it's boating with my grandparents, it's playing tag in the house with my mom and sister one day it's building forts, it's my mom being able to come to school functions- plays, open house, student of the month awards, it's road trips with my grandparents.
Yes, vacations are important. But kids don't care about hotels. They don't care about cruises. They don't care about room service, expensive souvineers, or exotic destinations.
Being a single-income home and stay-at-home parent means my kids may never lay eyes on a cruise ship. They may never order room service, and may never hold passports.... But they'll witness the beauty of sunset at Lake Powell. They'll remember pitching a tent in the backyard. They'll know camping in Provo Canyon. They won't be missing out.

They may never wear name brand clothes, but they will have bedtime stories every night.
They may never have an expensive private school educations, but they will be homeschooled by mama every single day.
They may not know fancy foods and restaurants, but they will have home cooked meals.
They may not have the latest and greatest electronics, but they will know family time and picnics in the back yard.
They may not get to see every movie they'd like in theaters, but they will know family movie nights and snuggles on the couch.

I detest the misconception that to be a stay-at-home-mom your husband must make a huge living. We must more modest income than MOST of the people whom tell us how lucky we are, and how they'd love to be a SAHM too, but could never afford it. I just smile and nod. We "couldn't afford" it either if we weren't determined to make it work and willing to do what it takes.

We must be rich! Wrong. We are creative. We learned the importance of prioritizing and eliminating excess. We learned that when it comes to worrying about our kid's quality of life, we had to look at life through a child's eye to determine what's ACTUALLY important, and what isn't. We aren't rich. We aren't poor. I'd venture to say we have a
As adults, we put value in trivial things. I'd venture to say that MOST families could probably make staying at home work- IF it's even something they want- if they made adjustments. Not all moms want to be at home. That's perfectly ok! Some women are happier working, and they are better moms because of it. Some of the BEST mamas I know are working moms. Some of the strongest women I know are working moms. Heck, my own mother worked- and worked a lot- to provide for us, and I admire her dedication to her family. She's nothing short of incredible. I'm not passing judgement by any means on anyone who chooses differently, I only know what's right for MY family and OUR situation.
 But to credit luck? No, it's not luck. It's sacrifice, determination, and dedication to something we value.

Being able to tuck my babies in at night happened to fall higher on the priority list than.... Well, just about anything. Babies aren't babies long. Soon Chase will not think I'm the neatest thing in the world. I'm going t soak it in while I can. Bath time. Story time. Bed time. Lunch time. Those are the important things to me right now. That may change over time, and our family will morph and change if it does. But for now, there's absolutely nothing that a second income could provide that would be worth missing out on a single moment of this. Not better health insurance, not a looser budget, not anything. None of it would be worth missing out on a single smile, a single fart, a single moment.