MY kid.

Being that most of my friends procreated before me (damn you, infertility!) I have seen it a million times before: super cool fun friend suddenly has nothing to say that doesn't involve their new super duper cool baby, their Facebook feed turns into post after post of that said "super cool" baby did that day... and I'm not even talking things like cure cancer or end world hunger... but for some reason the fact their kid dropped a log in the toilet rather than their pants is some massive accomplishment. Depending on the friend this may or may not include a picture of their kid sitting on the pot in all their bare-bottomed glory.Rolling my eyes I'd think "DUDE, we get it. You like.... made a human and you think it's really cool and all and you want to share it with the world because for SOME reason you think your kid is way cooler than the bajillion other kids in the world. I totally get being proud. In Jr. High I once painted a watercolor picture of an island scene and it was really cool and if I had facebook then I'd totally have posted it... but not every single damn day!"  I would then realize that I had absolutely nothing in common with said friend anymore, and move on vowing that someday when I had kids, I'd only share the really awesome stuff and not become "that mom."

But then this crazy thing happened. I got pregnant. And I had a baby. Like, a really super duper cool baby. And now I post really weird crap, like pictures of breastmilk (twice, actually.) and photo memes about babies and parenting and the mere mentioning of breastfeeding in public, circumcision, or cloth diapering are enough for my soapbox to creep out of the closet. (I mean, on the rare occasion it even makes it TO the closet. I generally leave my soap box right in the middle of the floor, you know, in case someone needs to hear a bit of my infinite wisdom.) I post pictures of Chase daily.... because today's smile is pretty much completely different than yesterday's.

But surely no one is rolling their eyes at my updates like I have towards others so many times. Surely not. Because everything Chase does is super duper cool.
He's not like other babies.
He smiles cuter.
He laughs cuter.
And somehow, when his face is covered in vile, white chunky baby puke, he's still adorable.
His ears are the cutest ears I've ever seen. And those toes. OH and that bum... seriously guys, dangerously cute bum warning on this baby.
Why?
Because he's MY kid.
Mine.
I made him. (Jon helped jump start it but trust me, I take 99.99% credit)
And he's way cooler than any island painting I've ever made. (But seriously, it WAS pretty awesome. It even had a pink sailboat.)

See, guys. See how that smile is like 500% different than the OTHER smile?! 

And now, well... now I get it. I get why all those moms I know were suddenly undeniably convinced that their kid was so super duper cool. Because kids ARE super duper cool. Even when they're not. That's something I never could wrap my head around before having my own. I don't think anyone can. So now, as I scroll my feed and I see "Oh look, little Johnny went to the zoo today and here are 1384723846723 pictures of his first time there!" I smile. I think, "I can't wait to post 1273632469314 pictures of Chase's first trip to the zoo!"

Because he's MY kid.
So, bare with me. Something tells me that this chapter of my life, the baby-having chapter, is going to make me really annoying.

Thoughts from a lowly SAHM

An article written by feminist blogger Amy Glass has taken the internet by storm lately. Titled "I Look Down on Young Women With Husbands and Kids and I'm Not Sorry" it caught the attention of many- myself included. And, being the outspoken person I am, surely I have a few things to say.

The original article can be read by clicking here. 

Do people really think that a stay at home mom is really on equal footing with a woman who works and takes care of herself? There’s no way those two things are the same. 

Excuse me while *I* fight back vomit. I support a woman's RIGHT to choose to not have children and who take on the workforce head strong. Last I checked, I take care of myself. I also take care of my son. Imagine that.
Working isn't easy. Building a career isn't easy. It takes a lot of hard work and dedication, but that doesn't make parenting any less important. In fact, dare i say that if more women did just that- PARENT- we'd have lower crime, and less trouble making hooligans running about?

Having kids and getting married are considered life milestones. ...These aren’t accomplishments, they are actually super easy tasks, literally anyone can do them. They are the most common thing, ever, in the history of the world. They are, by definition, average.

The part of me that struggled and felt EMPTY for MORE THAN THREE YEARS to conceive, all while building a career and running a business just cried a little.
See, the thing is: I've been there. I've had a career. I've worked hard and watched my business grow. We've reaped the success of a thriving small business. I've worked 80 hour weeks. I've dedicated myself to my work so fully my entire life was consumed by it.
I felt nothing short of empty. I did not feel accomplished. I did not feel fulfilled. I did not feel happy. I did not feel in any way successful. Don't get me wrong, I *LOVE* my business and I'm proud of the progress it's made. I'm passionate about it. But at the end of the day, I longed to be a mom. I longed to have babies. That's what I wanted, more than anything. That's what I felt like my calling in life was.
My rad to motherhood was not easy, and three and a half years really is a SHORT road in the heartbreaking reality of infertility that many, many couples face.

You will never have the time, energy, freedom or mobility to be exceptional if you have a husband and kids.

Lies. Lies lies lies. In fact, my role as a business owner is takes away FAR MORE freedom and mobility than my role as a mother. The ignorance in this statement... I can't even.....

 hear women talk about how “hard” it is to raise kids and manage a household all the time. I never hear men talk about this. It’s because women secretly like to talk about how hard managing a household is so they don’t have to explain their lack of real accomplishments.

I've played both roles. I've played the "successful business woman" and currently am playing the "stay at home wife/ mother." Neither role is easy. But really, they aren't even comparable. They have their ups and downs, they have their rewards, their struggles. But at the end of the day it's a whole different lifestyle. I think women should do whatever they feel is right for them. Each individual and situation is different, therefore what is right for each person will be different too.

Women will be equal with men when we stop demanding that it be considered equally important to do housework and real work. They are not equal. Doing laundry will never be as important as being a doctor or an engineer or building a business. This word play is holding us back.

The thing is... the doctor needs clean clothes, no? It takes all different roles to make this world go round.


I think what irks me most about this article is the fact the writer takes what she feels is right for her, and like a giant blanket, applies it to everyone. I mean, SHE feels best when pursuing a career, so EVERYONE ELSE SHOULD TOO!  I felt completely empty while pursuing a career. Should I dedicate my life to it, just because some people place little to no value in anyone who does something as "pointless" as.... oh, I dunno... dedicating their lives to raising the next generation of human beings?! Gosh, how incredibly uninspired of me.

I see this a lot on the internet, actually. People calling themselves feminists who think they are empowering women to do more, be more, accomplish more.... when in reality they are putting down anyone who HEAVEN FORBID actually WANTS to take on that traditional home maker role. If everyone followed their advice the human race would cease to exist in one generation and would therefore be the biggest failure as a species in the history of all time. Real successful, NOT. Why d we have to put down the stay at home mom to empower the working woman? Why do we have to make the working mom feel inadequate to raise the SAHM up? Why can't we just accept that everyone is different, and empower and uplift them ALL for doing what's best for them? Oh... that's right... because that's actually logical and would require folks to actually get over themselves.

I think I'll go make dinner now. From scratch.

 

It's not luck.

I've been told on several occasions how LUCKY I am to be a stay at home mom. I would not trade staying home with Chase for ABSOLUTELY anything in the world. It's so important to me, and to Jon, to have a parent at home full time. I don't know when I decided it was important to me, but it was something that I felt strongly about.
There were times in my life I wasn't even certain I wanted kids but. I always felt very strongly that IF I did, I planned to be a full time stay at home mom. It was important to me to marry someone who put value in that as well- not everyone does and that's OK. It was something I felt strongly enough about that I knew I could not marry someone who expected me to work full time after having kids. Luckily, I married a wonderful man who was on the same page... Someone willing to work and sacrifice to make it possible.
Adjusting to being a single-income home is not easy. It works for us, not because we are lucky, but because we are willing to sacrifice, adapt, adjust, and are dedicated to making it work. There was a time in our marriage when buying a new vehicle was no big deal. Planning expensive vacations, going on cruises, moving, spending a small fortune on pet care... These were just things we did because we could. We didn't think twice about buying a boat, and the idea of increasing our mortgage was no big deal. We're we rich? Certainly not. But we were a childless couple with two incomes. Dinner and a movie didn't need to be planned and budgeted.

Those days are over. It's important to me to maintain a good quality of life for my kids. I certainly don't wish to raise my babies in poverty! But realistically... What does that mean for kids? What determines quality of life? What things are necessary? What can we do without? At what point does sacrificing decrease quality of life?
Im a firm believer that vacations are a necessity. no one can work hard all the time without taking time out to enjoy life. My income allowed us to go on fancier vacations. A yearly trip to California where we would visit a series of overpriced amusement parks, a cruise, a fancy hotel in Jackson Hole,  spontaneous trips to visit friends in Denver and Idaho. But do these things matter to kids? I look at my childhood and think of my most cherished memories. None of them are in fancy hotels. I'd never stepped foot on a cruise ship until I was married. When I think of the things I put value in, it's boating with my grandparents, it's playing tag in the house with my mom and sister one day it's building forts, it's my mom being able to come to school functions- plays, open house, student of the month awards, it's road trips with my grandparents.
Yes, vacations are important. But kids don't care about hotels. They don't care about cruises. They don't care about room service, expensive souvineers, or exotic destinations.
Being a single-income home and stay-at-home parent means my kids may never lay eyes on a cruise ship. They may never order room service, and may never hold passports.... But they'll witness the beauty of sunset at Lake Powell. They'll remember pitching a tent in the backyard. They'll know camping in Provo Canyon. They won't be missing out.

They may never wear name brand clothes, but they will have bedtime stories every night.
They may never have an expensive private school educations, but they will be homeschooled by mama every single day.
They may not know fancy foods and restaurants, but they will have home cooked meals.
They may not have the latest and greatest electronics, but they will know family time and picnics in the back yard.
They may not get to see every movie they'd like in theaters, but they will know family movie nights and snuggles on the couch.

I detest the misconception that to be a stay-at-home-mom your husband must make a huge living. We must more modest income than MOST of the people whom tell us how lucky we are, and how they'd love to be a SAHM too, but could never afford it. I just smile and nod. We "couldn't afford" it either if we weren't determined to make it work and willing to do what it takes.

We must be rich! Wrong. We are creative. We learned the importance of prioritizing and eliminating excess. We learned that when it comes to worrying about our kid's quality of life, we had to look at life through a child's eye to determine what's ACTUALLY important, and what isn't. We aren't rich. We aren't poor. I'd venture to say we have a
As adults, we put value in trivial things. I'd venture to say that MOST families could probably make staying at home work- IF it's even something they want- if they made adjustments. Not all moms want to be at home. That's perfectly ok! Some women are happier working, and they are better moms because of it. Some of the BEST mamas I know are working moms. Some of the strongest women I know are working moms. Heck, my own mother worked- and worked a lot- to provide for us, and I admire her dedication to her family. She's nothing short of incredible. I'm not passing judgement by any means on anyone who chooses differently, I only know what's right for MY family and OUR situation.
 But to credit luck? No, it's not luck. It's sacrifice, determination, and dedication to something we value.

Being able to tuck my babies in at night happened to fall higher on the priority list than.... Well, just about anything. Babies aren't babies long. Soon Chase will not think I'm the neatest thing in the world. I'm going t soak it in while I can. Bath time. Story time. Bed time. Lunch time. Those are the important things to me right now. That may change over time, and our family will morph and change if it does. But for now, there's absolutely nothing that a second income could provide that would be worth missing out on a single moment of this. Not better health insurance, not a looser budget, not anything. None of it would be worth missing out on a single smile, a single fart, a single moment. 

Retrospect

Another year has come and gone. I can't believe the rollercoaster that was 2013 for our little family. As I sit and reflect back on the events the last 12 months, I am humbled. They say hindsight is 20/20 and I must say that this year is such a perfect example of one of those times. I can honestly say that this year, more than any other year, I am thankful for my trials. In retrospect I can see their importance and why things needed to happen the way they did.
Jon started working for Intermountain in January. I can not tell you how nice it is that he's not working nights anymore. His schedule with Wal Mart was brutal on him, and wasn't easy on us in general. His current job has been such a blessing and I'm thankful for it every single day.
We raised two litters of Dane puppies that we sent to their new homes in March. I can't believe they're a year old already! I don't know if we will have any litters in 2014. Probably not. It's SO much work.





In March we decided to sell our house. What. A. Joke. I am so not cut out for house selling. I hated everything about it. It's such an emotional roller coaster, getting under contract, things falling through, questioning if you're making the right decision, having to rearrange things for showings, not ever being able to count on just being home for the day. Screw that. We found our dream home, had it pulled out from under us, got under contract again were within a week of closing, and then that fell through, too. At the time it really seemed like the end of the world.
April 8th is when we discovered we were FINALLY pregnant. Yay! We couldn't have been more excited and happy.
I wanted to be one of those women who loves pregnancy. I mean, it really is amazing when you think of it... growing an entire human being in your belly. Incredible! Amazing! Plus I thought after trying and waiting so long that I would just soak it up. Wrong. I flippin' hate pregnancy. I hate it so much. Feeling movement is incredible, I mean that is the single most amazing thing ever. And it's of course all totally worth the end result. The hip pain. The nausea. The puking all day every day. The headaches. The hemorrhoids. (Yes. I just blogged about hemorrhoids. Actually, it might not even be the first time. I'm not really sure. They really suck.) The cold sweats. The hip pain. The pelvic pressure. No. Just, no. Pregnancy sucks. Unfortunately I want like... four more babies, so I'm pretty sure I have to do it again. *cringe* ANyone interested in being a surrogate. For real. Have my babies for me. Please?
I am so glad I got to make a trip to Texas with my mom to visit Shelly and her family. Oh how I wish they would just move to Utah already. We made some really good memories, and in true family fashion, ate really good food. Not even kidding, I had this burger that had to have been made with unicorn meat and fairy poop because it was just THAT delicious. Though I'm pretty sure "Texas" is just another word for Hell. Talk about hot and humid, holy cow! But my sister drives a rocket ship, so there's that.
At some point during my pregnancy, I started getting nervous we wouldn't even have a home when he came, and we decided to take the house off the market and do some of the renovations we had planned on doing when we moved in. After all, we never fell in love with the house for what it was- but for the potential it had. Fanflippintastic choice!
If there's anything tougher than selling a house- it's renovating one. Especially when you have no idea what you're doing and are also poor. I am SO PROUD of Jon and how much he accomplished.
October 6th I spent 13 hours in labor, thinking I was having braxton hicks. Chase was born 11 weeks early at 12:48am on October 7th, 2013. The following 59 days were spent in NICU and he came home December 4, 2013.

In retrospect, the things that seemed like the end of the world were actually huge blessings in disguise. I am so glad we didn't get a bigger mortgage now given all that's going on medically with Chase. I am so glad that my grandfather owns my house, and that I don't have a conventional loan with a bank- now no matter what happens with our medical bills, they can't take away my house! Plus, we like this charming old place again!
All our hard work is paying off. I am so thankful Heavenly Father gave us these trials and growing experiences this year. I feel like we are stronger as individuals because of it, and all these experiences brought Jon and I closer together than ever.

I am excited for 2014. I am excited to embark on this journey as a new mom. I am excited to grow and be challenged. I am so happy and content with where we are right now. I don't have any life-changing resolutions, because quite frankly I plan to spend the next year slowing down. It's time to just be. It's time to soak in life. I'm over the rat race... the quest for bigger, better, faster has ended for me. I intend to enjoy the things in life that can't be bought or traded. Family. Friends. I'd like to get more active with my church, I'd like to be a better friend, wife, mother, sister, daughter.

So, goodbye 2013. You were fun. Actually, you weren't... You were kind of a nightmare, but I forgive you.

Hello, 2014. 

The First Month Home

Our NICU journey ended one month ago. On December 4th, 2013.... 59 days after little man was born, he finally came home. 

Because he was sent home on an Apnea & Bradycardia monitor, as well as oxygen, we did have to "room in" at the hospital the night before bringing him home. For that night, we were given a room with a [super uncomfortable] bed. and left alone. It was SO NICE to be alone with him... no hovering nurses. Unfortunately we were forced to follow some silly hospital rules still... like not allowing Chase to be on the bed at all, making him sleep in his crib, and sticking to the feeding schedule... things that we knew would all go out the window the second we got home anyway. Chase did NOT like to be laid down and left alone. Trying to follow these rules made for a very unhappy baby most of the night. Sometime around 3am, I gave up. I brought him to bed, snuggled the heck out of him, and we got a few hours of peaceful sleep.

Words can't explain the joy we felt as we walked through those hospital doors, baby in tow, and drove home. All those nights of separation, of waking in the middle of the night anxiously wondering if he was ok- all the days spent driving back and forth from the hospital... they were over. Life was about to change! 

The last month has been challenging but so very rewarding! I absolutely love being a Mom- more than I ever imagined possible. I love everything about it. (except maybe the sore boobs) It challenges me in ways I didn't expect but it's the most rewarding journey I've ever been on. I had no idea babies could be this awesome. In fact, I'm the first to admit... I don't really LIKE other people's babies. (No, really... me saying they're cute does NOT mean I want to hold or interact with your child. Like, ever.) But THIS baby is just better than all the rest. Ok, ok, I may be bias... but it's still my reality. In fact, not a single other person on the face of this planet could get away with pooping, peeing, and puking on me... and still being on my good list. 

We are still figuring out what our new normal is and navigating our new world as parents. We've learned that unsolicited advice is probably always going to come pouring in. ( I PROMISE you I don't really give two hoots what you think about cosleeping, cloth diapering, breastfeeding, circumcision, vaccines, medication, or baby training. Like, really, I don't care at all.... but go ahead and keep telling me and I will keep thinking you're stupid.....) 

Being wintertime and RSV season in full swing, we don't get out much. We have kind of enjoyed the excuse to hole up at home and spend most of the day snuggling though. I am anxious for the weather to warm up a little so we can start exploring this world that will all be so new and mysterious to him. I especially can't wait to take him boating and hope he also shares a love of the water that I have had my whole life. 

We are hoping that he comes off of oxygen soon. We already made the decision to take him off of his A&B monitor when the negatives started to outweigh the possible positives. The leads were giving him sores on his skin (among many other inconveniences) and he hasn't had ANY episodes in over a month. 

I am constantly amazed by him. Sometimes I find myself passing hours at a time just staring at him, soaking in every little detail. I get a little stir crazy sometimes, but I find that more than about 15 minutes away from him just feels wrong. I start to get uneasy and anxious and can't get back to him quick enough. I've never experienced anything like that before.

There have been plenty of surprises. I never expected breastfeeding to be so difficult, but his poor extraction has been a huge hurdle for us. I'm having to pump and bottle feed to keep him on breastmilk exclusively, and we work on his latch and extraction several times every day. I hope we figure it out soon, I really detest pumping so much! I also didn't expect cloth diapering to be so easy... or so much fun! I'm surprised just how content I feel most of the time- given my history of having a pretty impulsive and restless disposition. I'm just so so happy with life right now. I'm content to just BE.  I'm surprised how easy it is to trust my intuition/ gut on most issues. I'm thankful for that, actually. 

We've got one month down. One month of growth, laughter, tears, memories, and a whole lot of poop. I can't wait to see what the next month holds. And infinite months after that. 

The Most Wonderful Time of the Year

I love Christmas. I mean, I absolutely positively love it. I love everything about it- Christmas music, Christmas decorations, giving gifts to loved ones, the charitable spirit that seems to take over communities. It really is just a magical time of the year.
As I look back at the holidays of my married life, I am overwhelmed with joy. Even through the years we were not lucky enough to have little ones of our own, we were still blessed to always be surrounded by family. We are blessed to have memories of being a part of Christmas with our nieces and nephews before having kids of our own. There is something so special about the holiday season for little ones who still believe in all the magic. (now I feel a "Why-we-do-Santa" post coming on....) I'm so glad my siblings allowed us to be a part of those memories for their little families. Even though we get together nearly every single Sunday for dinner, Christmas is just special. I can't explain it, it just IS.
Despite how wonderful our Christmas memories are, each year, at the end of the day, Jon and I get in our car and drive home. Each year we've hoped that it's our last to be spent as a childless couple, as we desperately hoped to grow our little family. There was a certain level of emptiness met with yet another holiday season without a little one to dote on and create memories for. A season that for us is all about family also served as a reminder of our struggles in creating our own.
This year was different.
This year, the joy of the season was paired with the joy of the homecoming of Chase- something that will forever change this time of year for us. This year, we got to play Santa, staying up until 2am on Christmas eve to make the perfect Christmas display, even though he wont remember a darn thing. (many of his gifts were actually re wrapped from his shower. Don't judge.Or other essential items that I bought but hadn't opened yet so they were gifts. I mean, Chase TOTALLY wanted a wipes warmer for Christmas, right?)
 Christmas morning was spent in our home. We woke up without an alarm, we lounged around in bed, enjoying the quiet stillness of morning. Chase began to stir shortly after I woke, and I scooped him up and snuggled him while he ate breakfast. My heart was so full of gratitude and joy. I am so thankful my Heavenly Father trusted me with this perfect little human.
As I laid there in bed, Chase snuggled on my chest, Jon fast asleep, Annie curled up at my feet, I could not help but be overcome with a sense of absolute joy. I am so blessed. We live such a blessed life. We may not have super fancy things. Chase might not have a lot of "stuff." He may never have the latest and greatest toys, he may be getting necessities rather than wants every Christmas for the rest of his life, but you know what? I'm really just thankful that we CAN supply the necessities- especially in this economy!
And of course, the dogs were not forgotten this season, either. Miss Annie is always front and center, and the Danes got plenty of toys for both inside and outside throughout the year that I put in a box and wrapped under the tree.
I got up and made breakfast, and My mom and Tanya swung by after. Carson was happy to help baby Chase open his gifts! After, we went to my mom's and spent the day with family. I wish Shelly & Nathan's family would just move here already- it would really make these kinds of things that much more special to have EVERYONE together.
At the end of the day, we returned home- this year as a party of three rather than two. There was no feeling of sadness as we have experienced in the past. There was no void, no hole that needed filled. Nothing was missing. No, this Christmas left nothing to be desired. We are so blessed. So fulfilled. So lucky. We organized and put away some stuff, and then ended the day in the same way we started it- the three of us (OK, four, Annie totally counts) snuggled up in bed, counting our many blessings, overwhelmed by just how amazing life is right now.
I know many argue that Christmas is just another day, that we should be charitable and grateful year round... and I do agree with the latter. But Christmas is not just another day. It's a special day. I look forward to instilling the holiday spirit in my children, and creating special memories that will last a lifetime. I hope they find this time of year to be as special as I do. I hope Jon and I are able to make it special. It's not about the commercial aspect of the holiday. It's not about gifts. It's about family. It's about Christ. It's about giving. It's about counting our blessings. It's about magic.
And in our house, it's about Chase. <3 This tiny little human that entered our lives and changed everything. I am amazed every single day at how amazing he is- how perfect he is. He challenges me and makes me a better person just for knowing him. This holiday season I am thankful not just for our blessings with are too many to count, but also for our trials this year- for the opportunities for personal growth. Most of all, though, I'm thankful for family. For Jon's family. For my family. For Chase.

What's in a Name?

Chase Albert Lanman

D&C 20:70
Every member of the church of Christ having children is to bring them unto the elders before the church, who are to lay their hands upon them in the name of Jesus Christ, and bless them in his name.

December 15, 2013 was a special day for our family and for Chase. Our families gathered together for Chase's blessing. This is an LDS tradition in which new babies are given their name that will be on record with the church, as well as a priesthood blessing for their spiritual and physical well-being.  It was so special to have so many people from both sides of the family present to support Chase, we are so thankful for those who could be here.
As I looked around the room, my heart was touched. I can't believe the immense amount of support we have around us. Jon's family made the 6 hour drive to be here for the special day, and it really meant the world to us.
I'm thankful that Chase has SO MANY amazing men to look up to. It makes me so happy that he will grow up watching these men and knowing that their wonderful examples will help shape him into a great husband, father, and friend. He couldn't be luckier, he has the best father, grandpas, and uncles anyone could ask for. And the women in his life aren't too shabby, either.
The name we gave him, as most already know is Chase Albert Lanman. Jon and I have talked baby names for three years, and we had a couple picked out we liked, but when I was about 13 weeks pregnant, we felt very strongly that though there were several names we really liked- THIS baby was Chase. That would be his name. We flip flopped on middle names a little bit. I believe a father kind of has a right to name his first born son, and Jon had the absolute final say on middle names. Having no family tradition of middle names, I did suggest that if he wasn't opposed to it, or set on anything else, that there was one name- one person- that I really wanted to honor with a namesake at some point. It didn't have to be the first born son, it didn't have to be this baby, but eventually, at some point I wanted to use the name Albert after my grandfather. We immediately loved the name Chase Albert, and just knew it was his name. It has been his name since before he was born, and unlike so many people who name babies before birth we didn't even consider changing it after he was born.
There was no meaning behind the name Chase. Honestly, I just always liked the name since hearing it on House though it wasn't until I was pregnant we ever considered naming a baby that. Though when Chuck told Jon it was a former nickname of his it completely solidified the decision!
My father made the decision to not be a part of my life. He made that choice. Luckily for me, I was still left with one of the finest examples anyone could possibly have for what it took to be a father, grandfather, and all around respectable being.
I could never list the ways that my Grandpa Albert has positively influenced my life. Through my childhood most of my very best memories include time with my grandparents. He is a leader by example and I've never questioned his testimony or faith in the Lord as I've observed how he lives his life. Even at my worst- even as an arrogant, ignorant, unruly teenager, I've never questioned that my grandpa Albert was there for me- that he loves me and wants me to be happy. Growing up, I really thought Albert had the answers to everything. How things work. How to fix things. How to solve problems. How to live life. And he always has! Now as an adult, I don't just think he has this whole life thing figured out- I know it. He is the wisest, smartest person I've been blessed enough to meet. I honestly believe that his influence has made me a better person, and the same can be said for anyone lucky enough to know him. The year I spent living with my grandparents was probably the single most life-changing year of my life. As I observed my grandparents, things just started to make sense. The way they lived made sense. I could clearly see the way their morals, values, lifestyle, and practices brought them genuine happiness. It changed me. (No, really it did. I even make my bed now. Thanks, Grandma Billie!)
SO, when it came to giving our son a name, we thought about what we wanted it to mean. We knew we want to give our babies family names for middle names. We have several we intend to use eventually. When I think of the kind of person I hope for him to be, the qualities I hope to instill in him- patience, kindness, charity, spiritual strength, a testimony of his Savior, etc. I can't think of anyone who better embodies these traits than my grandfather. It means so much to me that Chase has grandpa Albert's name. I'm so thankful that he has such a wonderful father to look up to- something I never had- because I realize that Chase won't have the example and memories of Grandpa Albert that I cherish so much. It means the world to me that he has his name.

 So that's the story behind his name. Chase Albert Lanman.